I think tomorrow I will tell whomever calls me from the shrink bay that I will go seek therapy elsewhere. I really don't want to deal with anyone at that practice anymore.
Theo has a vet appointment tomorrow as well. He is very overdue for his shots. Taking him to the vet is a difficult event, and I have been avoiding it. It makes him very anxious which makes me anxious, but it has to be done I suppose.
I had extreme pain in my upper left eyeball for over 12 hours from last night into today. It seems to be gone now. I'm having an "out of it" type of day.
July 27, 2008
July 26, 2008
C'mon, internet box!
I cannot believe how out-of-date my laptop is. I have an iBookG4 purchased about this time in 2004. It's obsolete. So slow, 2 OS behind (running 3.9), and the keyboard is missing its "a" button. Not to mention all the letters except "Q", 80% of "Z", 40% of "X", and a sliver of "J". It's not so much a computer anymore, but simply an internet box. I'll have to live with it though for a while since I don't foresee having any of the money to buy a new MacBook in the near future.
Am I "hearing voices" if I have conversations with real people in my head? Like, I replay a random scenario that happened in the past with some person I've interacted with on some level in my life and change it around, or like I was in that situation having that conversation again. When I was a kid I would have interviews with people in the mirror. I would pretend I was some important, famous person having an interview with Diane Sawyer or Rosie O'Donnell. That is more childhood imagination, but it's a similar concept. I don't talk out loud now, it's all in my head. I suppose it's not abnormal if others do it. Reviewing real life situations mentally seems to be a normal process, some believe that is the purpose of dreaming. But I am having conversations with people in my head, though it's not with fake people and I usually stop when I realize I am doing it.
I've calmed down a bit over the whole therapist issue. But if I can't see J anymore, then I will not see anyone at least from that office. I don't need pills, though the Ativan seemed to be okay for daily use (and I can always sell it...I could call my shrink a drug dealer). I do not know about continuing therapy. It's a pain to find someone who you get along with (and who won't tell me I can't anymore have access to my therapy because I personally choose to activate my cannabinoid receptors in a small way). I think I may go camping in the Appalachians a littler earlier, then the fest, then maybe more camping. I kind of need to get away from the bullshit of life. I need a break, time to really be alone and relax for a bit. Also, I need time to contemplate my changed plan. The most extreme thing I think of doing is going far away, disconnect with everyone, and just see what happens. Maybe I die, maybe not. No outright suicidal thoughts though, and no stabbing though I held back mainly because come 2 weeks there would be no place for cuts to be covered and hid. I was way depressed yesterday but I am starting to not care as much.
Am I "hearing voices" if I have conversations with real people in my head? Like, I replay a random scenario that happened in the past with some person I've interacted with on some level in my life and change it around, or like I was in that situation having that conversation again. When I was a kid I would have interviews with people in the mirror. I would pretend I was some important, famous person having an interview with Diane Sawyer or Rosie O'Donnell. That is more childhood imagination, but it's a similar concept. I don't talk out loud now, it's all in my head. I suppose it's not abnormal if others do it. Reviewing real life situations mentally seems to be a normal process, some believe that is the purpose of dreaming. But I am having conversations with people in my head, though it's not with fake people and I usually stop when I realize I am doing it.
I've calmed down a bit over the whole therapist issue. But if I can't see J anymore, then I will not see anyone at least from that office. I don't need pills, though the Ativan seemed to be okay for daily use (and I can always sell it...I could call my shrink a drug dealer). I do not know about continuing therapy. It's a pain to find someone who you get along with (and who won't tell me I can't anymore have access to my therapy because I personally choose to activate my cannabinoid receptors in a small way). I think I may go camping in the Appalachians a littler earlier, then the fest, then maybe more camping. I kind of need to get away from the bullshit of life. I need a break, time to really be alone and relax for a bit. Also, I need time to contemplate my changed plan. The most extreme thing I think of doing is going far away, disconnect with everyone, and just see what happens. Maybe I die, maybe not. No outright suicidal thoughts though, and no stabbing though I held back mainly because come 2 weeks there would be no place for cuts to be covered and hid. I was way depressed yesterday but I am starting to not care as much.
July 25, 2008
I neglected to mention the sex...
This is an internet chat conversation with Colette about a dream I had a few nights ago that involved her. I did remember a sexual type dream I had earlier in the week that involved her, but I feel uncomfortable telling people that I've had a sex dream with them even though it's not about the sex in the dream. Maybe it is, but I think it's symbolism for something else. I also had a sex dream with Chris last week, but in real life sex with him would be impossible and I think my subconscious would know that...
2:08 AM | i wanted to tell you that i have had a couple dreams with you in them the past few days
12:08 AM | Wow.
12:08 AM | it feels like more than 1 but it could just be the one
12:08 AM | Did I kill anybody?
12:08 AM | no
12:08 AM | nothing negative
12:08 AM | definately wierd
12:08 AM | What'd I do?
12:09 AM | well this was the scenario of the dream I really remember, I think I might have had glimpses of you in others but I don't remember them that much
12:09 AM | anyway
12:10 AM | well first do you have any dreams time-based like you were in elementary school, but you were your adult self in mind
12:10 AM | like everyone else is a child but you are the present you, or you are in situations from that time
12:10 AM | Ha yes, but less elementary and more highschool.
12:10 AM | okay
12:10 AM | i have a lot of dresden dreams
12:10 AM | this was one of them
12:11 AM | Ahhh.
12:11 AM | but i think we were adults reminiceing (spelling?) about something that happened at dresden
12:11 AM | and it was like a flashback
12:11 AM | it was you, me, and chris
12:11 AM |
12:12 AM | and we were riding a bus, i don't remember if it was the short bus or a "normal" size bus...I also don't remember if there were any others there, I think so like a couple other random people my mind made up
12:12 AM | Heh.
12:13 AM | we are on the route
12:13 AM | in the morning, going to school
12:13 AM | and we're in warren, like 10 mile or something, though we still went to dresden and pretty much lived where we did
12:13 AM | but the bus driver too us to this different school
12:13 AM | for some "special" program
12:14 AM | then we were in this different school in a classroom
12:14 AM | i don't remember much what happened here, but I am sure you looked like you did in 5th grade or so
12:15 AM | Wow.
12:15 AM | i think we had a teacher teaching us some of this "special" instruction, i remember a teacher type figure
12:16 AM | Hrm.
12:16 AM | and i think the reason we went to that different school was because it saved time on the route, that is what they told us or my child mind thought of the reason
12:16 AM | BUT
12:16 AM | then you, me and chris are back to adult forms
12:17 AM | and we figure out or you guys tell me that the "special" things they were teaching us was like anti drug propaganda
12:17 AM | and so they took us there because they wanted to give us an anti drug education
12:17 AM | and it lasted for a month, i remember that
12:18 AM | Wow.
12:18 AM | Hahaha.
12:18 AM | so it was like I got it that that was why I was in the "special program"
12:18 AM |
12:18 AM | like i said, wierd
12:18 AM | Nice, heh.
2:08 AM | i wanted to tell you that i have had a couple dreams with you in them the past few days
12:08 AM | Wow.
12:08 AM | it feels like more than 1 but it could just be the one
12:08 AM | Did I kill anybody?
12:08 AM | no
12:08 AM | nothing negative
12:08 AM | definately wierd
12:08 AM | What'd I do?
12:09 AM | well this was the scenario of the dream I really remember, I think I might have had glimpses of you in others but I don't remember them that much
12:09 AM | anyway
12:10 AM | well first do you have any dreams time-based like you were in elementary school, but you were your adult self in mind
12:10 AM | like everyone else is a child but you are the present you, or you are in situations from that time
12:10 AM | Ha yes, but less elementary and more highschool.
12:10 AM | okay
12:10 AM | i have a lot of dresden dreams
12:10 AM | this was one of them
12:11 AM | Ahhh.
12:11 AM | but i think we were adults reminiceing (spelling?) about something that happened at dresden
12:11 AM | and it was like a flashback
12:11 AM | it was you, me, and chris
12:11 AM |
12:12 AM | and we were riding a bus, i don't remember if it was the short bus or a "normal" size bus...I also don't remember if there were any others there, I think so like a couple other random people my mind made up
12:12 AM | Heh.
12:13 AM | we are on the route
12:13 AM | in the morning, going to school
12:13 AM | and we're in warren, like 10 mile or something, though we still went to dresden and pretty much lived where we did
12:13 AM | but the bus driver too us to this different school
12:13 AM | for some "special" program
12:14 AM | then we were in this different school in a classroom
12:14 AM | i don't remember much what happened here, but I am sure you looked like you did in 5th grade or so
12:15 AM | Wow.
12:15 AM | i think we had a teacher teaching us some of this "special" instruction, i remember a teacher type figure
12:16 AM | Hrm.
12:16 AM | and i think the reason we went to that different school was because it saved time on the route, that is what they told us or my child mind thought of the reason
12:16 AM | BUT
12:16 AM | then you, me and chris are back to adult forms
12:17 AM | and we figure out or you guys tell me that the "special" things they were teaching us was like anti drug propaganda
12:17 AM | and so they took us there because they wanted to give us an anti drug education
12:17 AM | and it lasted for a month, i remember that
12:18 AM | Wow.
12:18 AM | Hahaha.
12:18 AM | so it was like I got it that that was why I was in the "special program"
12:18 AM |
12:18 AM | like i said, wierd
12:18 AM | Nice, heh.
July 24, 2008
why do I bother.
Posted the below to the talk list. When things start to look up again, I am brought down by stronger forces. I may not be able, no probablty not be able, to have sessions with my therapist anymore because I use cannabis and she isn't qualified to deal with patients who "use drugs". Very upsetting news. Right now I am calm and I have not had any seizure or panic symptoms yet. I guess Monday is the day when everything is decided. Right now I have many thoughts as to what I may do. None of them are self-harming but some are self-sabotaging.
Really, it's all a bunch of bullshit.
******
I just had a big pile of crap dumped on me because of my personal cannabis use. I put this as OT because it is a personal event and there is a lot of ranting, but it is very on topic since it is directly realted to my personal cannabis use and just another example of how policy against it is wrong.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist since February and while I thought it might backfire on me, I told her that I use cannabis when she did the general background/medical history interview in the first session and asked me if I did any "drugs" (I was also asked about my caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco use but of course those aren't "drugs"). I figured it would be better to be truthful than lie and hide it. She gave me disapproving looks each time I would tell her my use hadn't changed and she would say stuff like "you don't need it now that you're on medication" (being pills....though she agreed that it was okay that I was using cannabis to control my spasms last autumn but only in lieu of pills). Oh yeah, I take on average a single hit from a pipe each day in the evening, usually before going to bed. If you know anything about amounts and smoking habits of people, then you would know that that isn't a whole lot. But of course she has no idea about cannabis and its uses, she just knows it as a drug. My use is recorded on just about every appointment sheet from her in my folder, whenever she asks I tell her nothing has changed because I see no point in changing an effective therapy. Since I need more than just a pill to get over my anxiety enough to have a somewhat normal productive life, I started to see a therapist about 2 months ago in the same office as my psychiatrist. Again, in the first session she asked me the standard questions and I told her I use cannabis on a regular basis. That was that, she never brought it up in any of my sessions since it wasn't an issue. So I have been seeing her as well for about 2 months and I feel progress is being made (I have anxiety that resulted in seizure-like panic attacks last autumn, since then I haven't been ble to attend classes more than a few weeks and forget about a job).
I get a call from my psychiatrist today saying that I cannot see my therapist anymore. Since my therapist is just starting out, fresh out of grad school or whatever, she does not have the accredidation or qualification or something to have patients who "use drugs", and since I use cannabis on a regular basis I fall into that category. This is the policy of the main psychiatrist who runs the office and I was NOT informed of this policy until this afternoon. Even though my psychiatrist knew of my use and it was in my folder, I was not informed of this "policy" and now it seems like I might have to stop seeing my therapist after 2 months of progress. It doesn't matter if I was a full out heroin addict or use cannabis in the amount that I do, and it wouldn't be an issue if I drank alcohol instead or if I was addicted to caffeine (well, as long as it wasn't interfering with my life in a negative way. But of course since Cannabis is illegal, it MUST be messing me up!).
I talked this over with my psychiatrist for about 15 minutes when she called to inform me of this policy and it seemed like the only option I had in order to keep seeing my therapist, she thought, was to stop using cannabis. I of course do not think I should, I know it helps me and I do not smoke for hedonistic reasons. I have been prescribed Xanax and Klonopin, and those pills affected me more like a drug than cannabis ever could. She didn't know if I had to take drug tests, but if I don't and I say I stopped smoking they would have no idea. Stupid, I could be lieing the whole time and things would be okay. How would they know? I really do not like the fact that I may have to lie about my cannabis use to appease them and the asinine policy. I shouldn't have to lie about anything, especially what I choose to put in my own body. But apparently maybe it is better to lie in some cases...
This "policy" is of course pure crap in itself, and even moreso is the fact that I was not made aware of it from the beginning. I do not think I will have a chance to appeal my case or the fact that I am progressing with my therapy has any merit against this "policy" (still while smoking, though I had about a month-long break up until yesterday and that is another thing, they assumed I still use the same without asking me first.). This event made me very upset, as I am sure any of you would be upset over too. If this was a general physician it wouldn't be so bad for me personally, it would still be an unreasonable policy and one I would not comply with. But the fact that this has to do with my mental health and anxiety, which has postponed any life goals I had for a year, and that I actually was working with a therapist I liked (hard to find a good one that you get along with) makes it especially hard. It is obvious these people have no idea what cannabis really is or what it does medically, and think it is equal to the real drugs that can in reality really mess up my health and life (prescription pills included, but those don't count since they are "legal" and given to me by medical professionals who have my best interests in mind...yeah right).
So I don't know what to do or what my options are really yet. It is not my therapist who made this rule up, but she has to obey it since she is practicing in this office. I hope I get my chance to appeal my case but I doubt it. It seems once again the patient has no say in their treatment. And even so, what could I say? I could bring up studies and numbers and statistics, but if this woman is so irrational to have this policy to begin with I do not think any fact could sway her. I could pretend to stop using if only they need that on paper, I will not do any drug tests because I feel them to be a huge invasion of privacy and in general a very unpleasant experience. If it's not for a direct medical test, I don't want to give my bodily fluids to anyone. And again, I wish I could easily just stop going to this practice because I think this policy against their patients is wrong but I do need to see this therapist unless I may face another 6 months of life postponement. On a personal level I feel defeated. I feel like I start to see some progress and another thing comes up to ruin it all. I am very upset and just the nature of the disappointment along with the unfair treatment might be enough for me to give up, to just not care anymore about getting better and getting treatment. School starts in a month and I was looking forward to a full schedule and maybe even finishing a semester without having a serious panic attack, now that simple goal is in jeopardy. I will get another call from someone at the office on Monday to talk it over more, so I guess I will see then what will happen.
Again, I wanted to share this story as an example of improper treatment by those of "authority" because of my personal use. I am ultimately being punished in this situation, just like if I were in legal trouble or if my medical issue was a serious physical/painful ailment. Intolerance comes from everywhere.
Really, it's all a bunch of bullshit.
******
I just had a big pile of crap dumped on me because of my personal cannabis use. I put this as OT because it is a personal event and there is a lot of ranting, but it is very on topic since it is directly realted to my personal cannabis use and just another example of how policy against it is wrong.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist since February and while I thought it might backfire on me, I told her that I use cannabis when she did the general background/medical history interview in the first session and asked me if I did any "drugs" (I was also asked about my caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco use but of course those aren't "drugs"). I figured it would be better to be truthful than lie and hide it. She gave me disapproving looks each time I would tell her my use hadn't changed and she would say stuff like "you don't need it now that you're on medication" (being pills....though she agreed that it was okay that I was using cannabis to control my spasms last autumn but only in lieu of pills). Oh yeah, I take on average a single hit from a pipe each day in the evening, usually before going to bed. If you know anything about amounts and smoking habits of people, then you would know that that isn't a whole lot. But of course she has no idea about cannabis and its uses, she just knows it as a drug. My use is recorded on just about every appointment sheet from her in my folder, whenever she asks I tell her nothing has changed because I see no point in changing an effective therapy. Since I need more than just a pill to get over my anxiety enough to have a somewhat normal productive life, I started to see a therapist about 2 months ago in the same office as my psychiatrist. Again, in the first session she asked me the standard questions and I told her I use cannabis on a regular basis. That was that, she never brought it up in any of my sessions since it wasn't an issue. So I have been seeing her as well for about 2 months and I feel progress is being made (I have anxiety that resulted in seizure-like panic attacks last autumn, since then I haven't been ble to attend classes more than a few weeks and forget about a job).
I get a call from my psychiatrist today saying that I cannot see my therapist anymore. Since my therapist is just starting out, fresh out of grad school or whatever, she does not have the accredidation or qualification or something to have patients who "use drugs", and since I use cannabis on a regular basis I fall into that category. This is the policy of the main psychiatrist who runs the office and I was NOT informed of this policy until this afternoon. Even though my psychiatrist knew of my use and it was in my folder, I was not informed of this "policy" and now it seems like I might have to stop seeing my therapist after 2 months of progress. It doesn't matter if I was a full out heroin addict or use cannabis in the amount that I do, and it wouldn't be an issue if I drank alcohol instead or if I was addicted to caffeine (well, as long as it wasn't interfering with my life in a negative way. But of course since Cannabis is illegal, it MUST be messing me up!).
I talked this over with my psychiatrist for about 15 minutes when she called to inform me of this policy and it seemed like the only option I had in order to keep seeing my therapist, she thought, was to stop using cannabis. I of course do not think I should, I know it helps me and I do not smoke for hedonistic reasons. I have been prescribed Xanax and Klonopin, and those pills affected me more like a drug than cannabis ever could. She didn't know if I had to take drug tests, but if I don't and I say I stopped smoking they would have no idea. Stupid, I could be lieing the whole time and things would be okay. How would they know? I really do not like the fact that I may have to lie about my cannabis use to appease them and the asinine policy. I shouldn't have to lie about anything, especially what I choose to put in my own body. But apparently maybe it is better to lie in some cases...
This "policy" is of course pure crap in itself, and even moreso is the fact that I was not made aware of it from the beginning. I do not think I will have a chance to appeal my case or the fact that I am progressing with my therapy has any merit against this "policy" (still while smoking, though I had about a month-long break up until yesterday and that is another thing, they assumed I still use the same without asking me first.). This event made me very upset, as I am sure any of you would be upset over too. If this was a general physician it wouldn't be so bad for me personally, it would still be an unreasonable policy and one I would not comply with. But the fact that this has to do with my mental health and anxiety, which has postponed any life goals I had for a year, and that I actually was working with a therapist I liked (hard to find a good one that you get along with) makes it especially hard. It is obvious these people have no idea what cannabis really is or what it does medically, and think it is equal to the real drugs that can in reality really mess up my health and life (prescription pills included, but those don't count since they are "legal" and given to me by medical professionals who have my best interests in mind...yeah right).
So I don't know what to do or what my options are really yet. It is not my therapist who made this rule up, but she has to obey it since she is practicing in this office. I hope I get my chance to appeal my case but I doubt it. It seems once again the patient has no say in their treatment. And even so, what could I say? I could bring up studies and numbers and statistics, but if this woman is so irrational to have this policy to begin with I do not think any fact could sway her. I could pretend to stop using if only they need that on paper, I will not do any drug tests because I feel them to be a huge invasion of privacy and in general a very unpleasant experience. If it's not for a direct medical test, I don't want to give my bodily fluids to anyone. And again, I wish I could easily just stop going to this practice because I think this policy against their patients is wrong but I do need to see this therapist unless I may face another 6 months of life postponement. On a personal level I feel defeated. I feel like I start to see some progress and another thing comes up to ruin it all. I am very upset and just the nature of the disappointment along with the unfair treatment might be enough for me to give up, to just not care anymore about getting better and getting treatment. School starts in a month and I was looking forward to a full schedule and maybe even finishing a semester without having a serious panic attack, now that simple goal is in jeopardy. I will get another call from someone at the office on Monday to talk it over more, so I guess I will see then what will happen.
Again, I wanted to share this story as an example of improper treatment by those of "authority" because of my personal use. I am ultimately being punished in this situation, just like if I were in legal trouble or if my medical issue was a serious physical/painful ailment. Intolerance comes from everywhere.
July 14, 2008
Basic Needs
Jennifer, my therapist, gave me this "home work" to do for the next appointment. It's a list of 24 "basic needs" and she wants me to rate the ones that apply to me from 1-5; somewhat to most important. As with most things, there are exceptions and different situations where each basic need may have a different rating. I figured I would type out the exceptions to my "basic needs" (well, the basic needs on this sheet at least).
1. Physical safety and security: I do not feel this is a basic need of mine. Where I am at is one of the "safest" cities in the country based on whatever poll measures safety. I don't lock my car and growing up we didn't make a habit of locking the house door every night. My brother had his bike stolen a couple times when the garage door was up, that was the worst. I usually walk home from Chris' in the AM hours of the night alone. I'm not worried about physical safety at the moment, the only thing that would happen is an accident and shit happens. So I do feel threatened by such events. I am most worried about other humans harming me and I go through scenarios in my mind, usually when it is dark out and I am alone. But I remind myself that I am the thing that goes bump in the night...people are probably more fearful of me than I am of them.
2. Financial Security: I ranked this as a 1. I do not measure success in dollars but rather through happiness. However, I know that in order to really survive and thrive in this society, one must have money. Right now my situation makes it that I don't have to worry about bills, rent, insurance, etc. My middle class status is maintained by my mother and she is happy to provide for me I feel because she wants me around. I -could- live with her the rest of my life and have her provide for me, I am sure she would have no problem with that. I have a huge problem with that though. I don't want to be here, living in her house, but rather I have to until I am well enough to go to and stay in school or get a job. Even though I do not have to, I scrimp and save by using coupons and rarely buying anything extraneous. I put clothing into this category. I try to buy from thrift stores first, and this is where I buy my shirts. It is hard to find things my size otherwise though. Earlier in the summer I bought a pair of sandals and 2 pairs of shorts from a national retailer, and I expect them to last years. I felt very guilty when I did buy them (well, Mom paid for them). I always buy generic/store brand when possible and have lately started to clip/use coupons. Even though I don't have to, I find ways to save the most money. I didn't get my hair cut or trimmed for 2 years because I didn't think it was worth the $12 is costs at BoRics to get the job done. I think the last time I paid for a haircut was in late 2005.
3. Friendship: Ranked 2.5. It would be a 5 if friendship could stay at a level that didn't include drama. Like what I expereinced with Chris last week, bullshit doesn't make friendship worth it. I really need to see people once in a while though to be happy. Most of the people I might consider "friends" I really just hang out with once in a while. We don't get in deep with emotion or stupid drama, the relationship just doesn't develop that far. When I was a child, there were periods where I had few friends (like one) and I never had "lots" of friends. In the past year I went a month at a time a couple of times without socializing, and that made me really depressed (mainly because I wasn't doing anything else and it felt like I was abandoned by so-called friends when my seizures were at the worst). I am fine alone and I think the majority of the time I prefer it. Having a friendship with someone means expectations, and people oftentime disappoint me. So I keep my relationships light. Right now I have quite a few accquaintances. I would say this is the first time I have been part of a social "group", aside from perhaps in New Mexico. I do wish I had "friends with benefits". I do like to socialize with people I know and hang out, it does make me happy. So there's the 2.5, it's all in that.
4. The attention of others: I have not ranked this one, and I don't know if I should. I generally dislike people and try my hardest to avoid/ignore them when out in public. Of course 10 years ago that was very different, I wanted to be noticed by everyone. But as far as attention from people I have some sort of relationship with, that is a need of mine. Last autumn when the seizures started and were the worst, I recieved a small amount of attention. Way less than I expected. This attention I wanted was more in the way of support, but I was often ignored. This is when I realized that "online friends" were really not friends at all and purged all but a handful from LiveJournal. In settings with "real life friends", I would rather be an observer than a participant in most cases. I'm there, that's usually enough. In fact I feel awkward when a lot of attention is placed on me, I'm not used to it. I am indifferent to attention from family. Most of the time I want my mom to leave me alone, and I rarely talk to my siblings save for the week or so a year I might see them (I don't dislike them, we just don't talk). So I suppose in the situations where I need attention I really need it, but those occassions are very rare. Rank 1.5.
5. Being listened to: I grouped this with "the attention of others". I'm just not used to it, I have things to say but rarely am asked to say them so I keep it to myself. Or rather I say them to myself. When I have something to say it usually would benefit other people. I may or may not make the suggestion. If I do and the person or people don't listen to me, then I validate myself in knowing better and think them a fool. As for getting ideas out, I have outlets for that. I used LJ for people "listening" to me on a regular basis and that was quite effective. Things changed though, and now I have this blournal which may or may not be read by eyes other than mine. I am my own best listener. Last summer when I had 90's party 2, Paul and I were in the closet and he wanted to hear the stories about my mental hospitalization. I spent an hour + talking to him, and he was listening, and it was a really nice experience. It's nice to have someone listen to me but I never expect it. Now I have someone to listen to me for an hour every week, even if I have to pay her, but it's alright. I don't know the benefits of having someone listen to me, especially in personal matters. I feel that no one I know can really give me super-valuable advice, at least nothing better than I can give myself. While it is good to "get things out", I use this blournal medium for that. I don't think I need actual human interaction to fulfill the need of being listened to. I am rarely heard and this goes back to childhood, ESPECIALLY in childhood I was rarely listened to. So it's internalized or I shout in different ways - like cutting or overdosing. But that hasn't been much of an issue as of late.
6. Guidance: Not ranked and not given much thought. While tripping on LSD this past October I thought my life would be so much easier if I had a mentor. Someone to help guide me with my life decisions. But I'm not going to get that, maybe 300 years I would have. For a while I was LOST and confused, I really needed guidance from something abstract like life in general as far as giving me answers in what I should do for the rest of my life; major, career, etc. Though it might have been possible to get it from an actual person (definately not anyone in my family) and for a bit I found it through psychedelics in a way. Now I realize that time will give me the answers, and I really have to be my own guide. I did just rank it as a 0.5 on the sheet because I think guidance might be a reason why I befriend older people easily or want friends of different generations.
7. Respect
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8. Validation : Ranked together with a 1.5, I feel the two are almost one in the same for me. Respect is not something I really desire this point of my life. The people I want respect from I have, and I just want respect as a competent human being who has something to offer. If someone does not respect me, I see it more as an issue with them and not myself. I am not in any position where I have others "below" me (I hope I never am, except for maybe if I have children). I think most people respect me because I am intelligent and well-spoken, and I can certainly think for myself.
I know I need validation. My validation is mostly internal and arrogant, however. Like, it's an "I told you so" or "I knew better" type of thing that I keep in my mind. I need or have assumptions and thoughts validated more than myself and my actions. I don't think I am looking to please anyone other than myself. The only time I really want validartion from someone is when I paint them something, I need to know that they sincerely like it. I can't think of other ways I need to feel validated.
9. Expressing and sharing feelings: Very similar to #4 and 5, ranked at a one. I rarely express feelings to others and never really want to share them. I would rather hold it in because when I do share them, drama happens (like with Chris...). People don't like to hear negative thoughts about themselves from others, to me it's not even worth it to say when someone is acting in a way I feel objectionable. I think I am more prone to expressing feeling when I am alone, if I am sad or depressed enough and need to cry then I cry. If I am angry enough to break stuff, while not a good method, I do it. If someone were to ask how I felt, I would tell them. But no one ever does, and I either don't feel comfortable enough bringing it up or I feel it is self-centered.
10. Sense of belonging: Not ranked. I don't feel I need to "belong". Belong to what? A society I loathe? Maybe I need to feel that I belong on this earth to live out my life for some productive reason. I have family, I have some sort of social network. That's all I need for belongingness.
11. Nurturing: Not ranked, mainly because it is ambiguous. I have a need perhaps to be the nurturer, I like taking care of people and being hospitable. I am not in a situation where I would do that now. But if the nurturing is done onto me, I don't think I really have that need. It is nice to be taken care of when sick, that rarely happens to me and I can always take care of myself. That's a small answer though.
12. Physically touching and being touched: ranked 2.5. It was difficult for me moving back to Michigan and having no one to cuddle with (or at least have sex with). For months in NM I had that opportunity available to me, then it went to nothing. I had to settle for the cuddles of my cat, which was okay but not satisfying as if I were with a human. Three years ago I would rank this as a 5, however since I have been in a physical drought I have become used to not having that form of human affection. I still get urges to cuddle with people from time to time, but never act on it because I don't know how affectionate they are or if they would be comfortable with that. It is still a need but I can deal with not having it. Something that might be odd, is that I hate when my mom touches me. I never hug her, she hugs me and that doesn't happen too often. I don't know the last time I gave her a kiss was, and I feel physically uncomfortable if she touches me anywhere on my body and I don't know it until it happens.
13. Intimacy: Not ranked. I assume this means physical intimacy, mainly of a romantic kind. Since I have no one of romantic interest, and haven't had one in over a year, this does not apply to me. I would like to have an "intimate friendship", but no one I know of now is around me nor can have that type of level of friendship. Emotional intimacy? Forget about it. Like I mentioned above, I would rather aboid that in most friendships.
14. Sexual Expression: Not ranked. I suppose I have a need to sexually express myself at a basic, evolutionary level since I am an available female of childbearing age (presumably fertile). But I am not advertising that availability, and sex is not something I really need. I did go from having multiple partners and having sex everyday, sometimes by more than one partner, to sex every few months to no sex for about a year. When I get aroused I take care of it. My clothing seems to be bland and not sexually expressive, though I do wear tight shirts to compensate for the lack of bra. No makeup and hair that transcends gender roles... Nope, not expressing much.
15. Loyalty and trust: Not ranked. I beleive these not a need, but a necessity. I automatically give trust, and what a person does either continues the trust or negates it. The same goes for others' trust in me, I am a trustworthy person so there is no issue. I take pride in the fact that I don't tell secrets. I don't much care for gossip, which some friends of mine (especially the ones who live together) participate in frequently. I may ask someone about the status of another just so I can be "caught up". I am usually out of the loop with things. Loyalty seems kind of an antiquated value when talking about intrerpersonal relationships. People do not need to be loyal to me, I'm not going to be in situations or relationships where one needs to be loyal to me. I don't even really know what that would mean in a relationship so I looked up the definition and "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." came up which may be a relevant thing, but in the rare occassion someone does not hold up a plan for a "good" reason, I don't get upset. It just shows me the character of that person. I'm sure the people I have around me "got my back" if I ever need it. If they didn't, they wouldn't be my friends.
16. A sense of accomplishment: Ranked at 3. This is another need that is placed in the middle because for different reasons it is very high or very low. Up until recently, like the last year or so, I was very concerned with what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Especially with what I was going to major in. This is due to how I was raised, I had high expectations very early on and until I reached college I was motivated by success, it was really the most important thing. My life was based on accomplishments that it was already assumed I would make. I don't know if I categorize "accimplishment" differently or if I have realized that it's not so important that accomplishments become benchmarks of life. Now I generally go with the flow of life, I have goals but I do not have a time set for them to be accomplished. I do what I can when I can. Of course it is a morale boost when I do accomplish something. Smaller accomplishments are recognized more often, like when I do a particularly good painting or one for someone that they really like. I even feel accomplished when I have a good fossil hunt. I still have goals and I still have a need to accomplish them, but I'm not too concerned with when they are achieved.
17. A sense of progress towards goals: Not ranked. Partially for reasons I mentioned in #16 in that progress is made when progress is made. But mainly because I have learned not to plan for anything to go right or according to life schedule. I guess my ultimate goal is to be happy and to live out my life, and that happens each day that goes by that I am not suicidal (which is a rare occassion). Heck, my goals keep changing just as often as my life plans do. I had a goal to have my associate's at the end of spring '08 semester. But something out of control came up and I had to skip a whole academic year. Oh well, I'll finish school when I can. Having goals, I feel, is more important than the progress. Plus I really am a procrastinator, especially when it comes to mundane things. Every day I have goals (one might call them chores) than need to be accomplished, sometimes I do them and sometimes I don't. It does happen eventually, the process might just be prolonged a few months.
18. Feeling Competent or masterful in some area: Ranked 2. Perhaps this should be a higher ranking, but I don't have the need for it because I already feel competent in many areas and masterful in a few. Though "masterful" might be too high of a word. When I was younger I was pushed to be the best of the best. I never had any accelling talent, except for maybe my knowledge of animals. But nothing really practical at least. I at least was more than competent in my school work, until the last 2 years of high school. But I always had science, especially biology, to feel masterful in. I of course thought that academics, sports, music, art, etc. were the only areas one could be masterful in. I never thought that my compassion or caring nature could be considered a master trait. Over the past 5 years I realized that there are areas which I am "masterful" in that aren't so obvious, like finding fossils or working with young kids. Others might say I am masterful at the painting I do. I am competent in many areas, both academically and personality-wise. I know and am aware of this. Likewise, I still have a bit of adolescent thought in that I can always be better and it's not good enough unless it's the best. I may think a painting isn't so good even though others like it a lot. I generally try to suppress these thoughts, but they are common.
19. Making a Contribution: Ranked 5. This need is great, it is the only one I ranked with a 5. In the sense that affects me, I need to make a contribution on a worldly scale. Last summer I had a bad case of existential crisis, where I questioned "what does it all matter?" when eventually everything will be gone; Homo Sapiens will probably be extinct in a few million years if not replaced by the next evolution, civilization and the world as I know it will likely be eradicated in thousands of years by who knows what, the sun will burn out in 4.5 crisping earth in the process and even the universe won't last FOREVER. So what does it matter, why should I exist if it is all bound to end. I don't know how I got out of this, it may have been with my last suicide attempt this past December where I realized suicide was not meant to be my death (not then at least). But I figure, if I'm not here for myself I might as well be here for others. And hopefully I will make a better world and life for them through my own. If I'm not active in bettering society/the world/life in general then there really is no point to me being alive. My activism at the moment feels like a contribution in a way. I hope that what I do with my career greatly contributes something, and I plan for it to. Probably on this sheet, "making a contribution" means more like giving ideas to collective group decisions or something to do with interpersonal social matters. That really is not an issue for me as much. I can give suggestions and hope others think about it, but I don't really need to consciously contribute things all the time in relationships. I do that already.
20. Fun and Play: Ranked 4.5. If you can't have fun, what is the point? I still have a bit of child in me in that not everything is so serious and I still keep a bit of wonderment. I enjoy activities like flying kites which many adults do not think of participating in. While I don't necessarily play with imagination like a child, I can still get into a fairytale cartoon or play a video game and imagine being the character. I do watch cartoons on a regular basis, I enjoy both classics I grew up with and a few modern cartoons. I do enjoy playing with kids. I like to have fun as much as I can, even if it is sharing a funny anecdote about my cat with my mom. I certainly know the difference between immaturity and having fun. I can still be serious while being light hearted. I think a lot of people lose this perspective as they get older, they get out of touch with their childlike senses. It is really important to me though and it's all about attitude. There isn't a time I can think of where I couldn't have the fun and play outlook. Of course it comes and goes depending on the situation, if it is a serious matter then it goes away or if I am really depressed it hides too. But my normal personality always has a bit of fun in it.
21. Sense of Freedom, Independence: Ranked 4.
22. Creativity: Ranked 3
23. Spiritual Awareness - connection with a "higher power": Not ranked
24. Unconditional Love: Not ranked.
1. Physical safety and security: I do not feel this is a basic need of mine. Where I am at is one of the "safest" cities in the country based on whatever poll measures safety. I don't lock my car and growing up we didn't make a habit of locking the house door every night. My brother had his bike stolen a couple times when the garage door was up, that was the worst. I usually walk home from Chris' in the AM hours of the night alone. I'm not worried about physical safety at the moment, the only thing that would happen is an accident and shit happens. So I do feel threatened by such events. I am most worried about other humans harming me and I go through scenarios in my mind, usually when it is dark out and I am alone. But I remind myself that I am the thing that goes bump in the night...people are probably more fearful of me than I am of them.
2. Financial Security: I ranked this as a 1. I do not measure success in dollars but rather through happiness. However, I know that in order to really survive and thrive in this society, one must have money. Right now my situation makes it that I don't have to worry about bills, rent, insurance, etc. My middle class status is maintained by my mother and she is happy to provide for me I feel because she wants me around. I -could- live with her the rest of my life and have her provide for me, I am sure she would have no problem with that. I have a huge problem with that though. I don't want to be here, living in her house, but rather I have to until I am well enough to go to and stay in school or get a job. Even though I do not have to, I scrimp and save by using coupons and rarely buying anything extraneous. I put clothing into this category. I try to buy from thrift stores first, and this is where I buy my shirts. It is hard to find things my size otherwise though. Earlier in the summer I bought a pair of sandals and 2 pairs of shorts from a national retailer, and I expect them to last years. I felt very guilty when I did buy them (well, Mom paid for them). I always buy generic/store brand when possible and have lately started to clip/use coupons. Even though I don't have to, I find ways to save the most money. I didn't get my hair cut or trimmed for 2 years because I didn't think it was worth the $12 is costs at BoRics to get the job done. I think the last time I paid for a haircut was in late 2005.
3. Friendship: Ranked 2.5. It would be a 5 if friendship could stay at a level that didn't include drama. Like what I expereinced with Chris last week, bullshit doesn't make friendship worth it. I really need to see people once in a while though to be happy. Most of the people I might consider "friends" I really just hang out with once in a while. We don't get in deep with emotion or stupid drama, the relationship just doesn't develop that far. When I was a child, there were periods where I had few friends (like one) and I never had "lots" of friends. In the past year I went a month at a time a couple of times without socializing, and that made me really depressed (mainly because I wasn't doing anything else and it felt like I was abandoned by so-called friends when my seizures were at the worst). I am fine alone and I think the majority of the time I prefer it. Having a friendship with someone means expectations, and people oftentime disappoint me. So I keep my relationships light. Right now I have quite a few accquaintances. I would say this is the first time I have been part of a social "group", aside from perhaps in New Mexico. I do wish I had "friends with benefits". I do like to socialize with people I know and hang out, it does make me happy. So there's the 2.5, it's all in that.
4. The attention of others: I have not ranked this one, and I don't know if I should. I generally dislike people and try my hardest to avoid/ignore them when out in public. Of course 10 years ago that was very different, I wanted to be noticed by everyone. But as far as attention from people I have some sort of relationship with, that is a need of mine. Last autumn when the seizures started and were the worst, I recieved a small amount of attention. Way less than I expected. This attention I wanted was more in the way of support, but I was often ignored. This is when I realized that "online friends" were really not friends at all and purged all but a handful from LiveJournal. In settings with "real life friends", I would rather be an observer than a participant in most cases. I'm there, that's usually enough. In fact I feel awkward when a lot of attention is placed on me, I'm not used to it. I am indifferent to attention from family. Most of the time I want my mom to leave me alone, and I rarely talk to my siblings save for the week or so a year I might see them (I don't dislike them, we just don't talk). So I suppose in the situations where I need attention I really need it, but those occassions are very rare. Rank 1.5.
5. Being listened to: I grouped this with "the attention of others". I'm just not used to it, I have things to say but rarely am asked to say them so I keep it to myself. Or rather I say them to myself. When I have something to say it usually would benefit other people. I may or may not make the suggestion. If I do and the person or people don't listen to me, then I validate myself in knowing better and think them a fool. As for getting ideas out, I have outlets for that. I used LJ for people "listening" to me on a regular basis and that was quite effective. Things changed though, and now I have this blournal which may or may not be read by eyes other than mine. I am my own best listener. Last summer when I had 90's party 2, Paul and I were in the closet and he wanted to hear the stories about my mental hospitalization. I spent an hour + talking to him, and he was listening, and it was a really nice experience. It's nice to have someone listen to me but I never expect it. Now I have someone to listen to me for an hour every week, even if I have to pay her, but it's alright. I don't know the benefits of having someone listen to me, especially in personal matters. I feel that no one I know can really give me super-valuable advice, at least nothing better than I can give myself. While it is good to "get things out", I use this blournal medium for that. I don't think I need actual human interaction to fulfill the need of being listened to. I am rarely heard and this goes back to childhood, ESPECIALLY in childhood I was rarely listened to. So it's internalized or I shout in different ways - like cutting or overdosing. But that hasn't been much of an issue as of late.
6. Guidance: Not ranked and not given much thought. While tripping on LSD this past October I thought my life would be so much easier if I had a mentor. Someone to help guide me with my life decisions. But I'm not going to get that, maybe 300 years I would have. For a while I was LOST and confused, I really needed guidance from something abstract like life in general as far as giving me answers in what I should do for the rest of my life; major, career, etc. Though it might have been possible to get it from an actual person (definately not anyone in my family) and for a bit I found it through psychedelics in a way. Now I realize that time will give me the answers, and I really have to be my own guide. I did just rank it as a 0.5 on the sheet because I think guidance might be a reason why I befriend older people easily or want friends of different generations.
7. Respect
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8. Validation : Ranked together with a 1.5, I feel the two are almost one in the same for me. Respect is not something I really desire this point of my life. The people I want respect from I have, and I just want respect as a competent human being who has something to offer. If someone does not respect me, I see it more as an issue with them and not myself. I am not in any position where I have others "below" me (I hope I never am, except for maybe if I have children). I think most people respect me because I am intelligent and well-spoken, and I can certainly think for myself.
I know I need validation. My validation is mostly internal and arrogant, however. Like, it's an "I told you so" or "I knew better" type of thing that I keep in my mind. I need or have assumptions and thoughts validated more than myself and my actions. I don't think I am looking to please anyone other than myself. The only time I really want validartion from someone is when I paint them something, I need to know that they sincerely like it. I can't think of other ways I need to feel validated.
9. Expressing and sharing feelings: Very similar to #4 and 5, ranked at a one. I rarely express feelings to others and never really want to share them. I would rather hold it in because when I do share them, drama happens (like with Chris...). People don't like to hear negative thoughts about themselves from others, to me it's not even worth it to say when someone is acting in a way I feel objectionable. I think I am more prone to expressing feeling when I am alone, if I am sad or depressed enough and need to cry then I cry. If I am angry enough to break stuff, while not a good method, I do it. If someone were to ask how I felt, I would tell them. But no one ever does, and I either don't feel comfortable enough bringing it up or I feel it is self-centered.
10. Sense of belonging: Not ranked. I don't feel I need to "belong". Belong to what? A society I loathe? Maybe I need to feel that I belong on this earth to live out my life for some productive reason. I have family, I have some sort of social network. That's all I need for belongingness.
11. Nurturing: Not ranked, mainly because it is ambiguous. I have a need perhaps to be the nurturer, I like taking care of people and being hospitable. I am not in a situation where I would do that now. But if the nurturing is done onto me, I don't think I really have that need. It is nice to be taken care of when sick, that rarely happens to me and I can always take care of myself. That's a small answer though.
12. Physically touching and being touched: ranked 2.5. It was difficult for me moving back to Michigan and having no one to cuddle with (or at least have sex with). For months in NM I had that opportunity available to me, then it went to nothing. I had to settle for the cuddles of my cat, which was okay but not satisfying as if I were with a human. Three years ago I would rank this as a 5, however since I have been in a physical drought I have become used to not having that form of human affection. I still get urges to cuddle with people from time to time, but never act on it because I don't know how affectionate they are or if they would be comfortable with that. It is still a need but I can deal with not having it. Something that might be odd, is that I hate when my mom touches me. I never hug her, she hugs me and that doesn't happen too often. I don't know the last time I gave her a kiss was, and I feel physically uncomfortable if she touches me anywhere on my body and I don't know it until it happens.
13. Intimacy: Not ranked. I assume this means physical intimacy, mainly of a romantic kind. Since I have no one of romantic interest, and haven't had one in over a year, this does not apply to me. I would like to have an "intimate friendship", but no one I know of now is around me nor can have that type of level of friendship. Emotional intimacy? Forget about it. Like I mentioned above, I would rather aboid that in most friendships.
14. Sexual Expression: Not ranked. I suppose I have a need to sexually express myself at a basic, evolutionary level since I am an available female of childbearing age (presumably fertile). But I am not advertising that availability, and sex is not something I really need. I did go from having multiple partners and having sex everyday, sometimes by more than one partner, to sex every few months to no sex for about a year. When I get aroused I take care of it. My clothing seems to be bland and not sexually expressive, though I do wear tight shirts to compensate for the lack of bra. No makeup and hair that transcends gender roles... Nope, not expressing much.
15. Loyalty and trust: Not ranked. I beleive these not a need, but a necessity. I automatically give trust, and what a person does either continues the trust or negates it. The same goes for others' trust in me, I am a trustworthy person so there is no issue. I take pride in the fact that I don't tell secrets. I don't much care for gossip, which some friends of mine (especially the ones who live together) participate in frequently. I may ask someone about the status of another just so I can be "caught up". I am usually out of the loop with things. Loyalty seems kind of an antiquated value when talking about intrerpersonal relationships. People do not need to be loyal to me, I'm not going to be in situations or relationships where one needs to be loyal to me. I don't even really know what that would mean in a relationship so I looked up the definition and "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." came up which may be a relevant thing, but in the rare occassion someone does not hold up a plan for a "good" reason, I don't get upset. It just shows me the character of that person. I'm sure the people I have around me "got my back" if I ever need it. If they didn't, they wouldn't be my friends.
16. A sense of accomplishment: Ranked at 3. This is another need that is placed in the middle because for different reasons it is very high or very low. Up until recently, like the last year or so, I was very concerned with what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Especially with what I was going to major in. This is due to how I was raised, I had high expectations very early on and until I reached college I was motivated by success, it was really the most important thing. My life was based on accomplishments that it was already assumed I would make. I don't know if I categorize "accimplishment" differently or if I have realized that it's not so important that accomplishments become benchmarks of life. Now I generally go with the flow of life, I have goals but I do not have a time set for them to be accomplished. I do what I can when I can. Of course it is a morale boost when I do accomplish something. Smaller accomplishments are recognized more often, like when I do a particularly good painting or one for someone that they really like. I even feel accomplished when I have a good fossil hunt. I still have goals and I still have a need to accomplish them, but I'm not too concerned with when they are achieved.
17. A sense of progress towards goals: Not ranked. Partially for reasons I mentioned in #16 in that progress is made when progress is made. But mainly because I have learned not to plan for anything to go right or according to life schedule. I guess my ultimate goal is to be happy and to live out my life, and that happens each day that goes by that I am not suicidal (which is a rare occassion). Heck, my goals keep changing just as often as my life plans do. I had a goal to have my associate's at the end of spring '08 semester. But something out of control came up and I had to skip a whole academic year. Oh well, I'll finish school when I can. Having goals, I feel, is more important than the progress. Plus I really am a procrastinator, especially when it comes to mundane things. Every day I have goals (one might call them chores) than need to be accomplished, sometimes I do them and sometimes I don't. It does happen eventually, the process might just be prolonged a few months.
18. Feeling Competent or masterful in some area: Ranked 2. Perhaps this should be a higher ranking, but I don't have the need for it because I already feel competent in many areas and masterful in a few. Though "masterful" might be too high of a word. When I was younger I was pushed to be the best of the best. I never had any accelling talent, except for maybe my knowledge of animals. But nothing really practical at least. I at least was more than competent in my school work, until the last 2 years of high school. But I always had science, especially biology, to feel masterful in. I of course thought that academics, sports, music, art, etc. were the only areas one could be masterful in. I never thought that my compassion or caring nature could be considered a master trait. Over the past 5 years I realized that there are areas which I am "masterful" in that aren't so obvious, like finding fossils or working with young kids. Others might say I am masterful at the painting I do. I am competent in many areas, both academically and personality-wise. I know and am aware of this. Likewise, I still have a bit of adolescent thought in that I can always be better and it's not good enough unless it's the best. I may think a painting isn't so good even though others like it a lot. I generally try to suppress these thoughts, but they are common.
19. Making a Contribution: Ranked 5. This need is great, it is the only one I ranked with a 5. In the sense that affects me, I need to make a contribution on a worldly scale. Last summer I had a bad case of existential crisis, where I questioned "what does it all matter?" when eventually everything will be gone; Homo Sapiens will probably be extinct in a few million years if not replaced by the next evolution, civilization and the world as I know it will likely be eradicated in thousands of years by who knows what, the sun will burn out in 4.5 crisping earth in the process and even the universe won't last FOREVER. So what does it matter, why should I exist if it is all bound to end. I don't know how I got out of this, it may have been with my last suicide attempt this past December where I realized suicide was not meant to be my death (not then at least). But I figure, if I'm not here for myself I might as well be here for others. And hopefully I will make a better world and life for them through my own. If I'm not active in bettering society/the world/life in general then there really is no point to me being alive. My activism at the moment feels like a contribution in a way. I hope that what I do with my career greatly contributes something, and I plan for it to. Probably on this sheet, "making a contribution" means more like giving ideas to collective group decisions or something to do with interpersonal social matters. That really is not an issue for me as much. I can give suggestions and hope others think about it, but I don't really need to consciously contribute things all the time in relationships. I do that already.
20. Fun and Play: Ranked 4.5. If you can't have fun, what is the point? I still have a bit of child in me in that not everything is so serious and I still keep a bit of wonderment. I enjoy activities like flying kites which many adults do not think of participating in. While I don't necessarily play with imagination like a child, I can still get into a fairytale cartoon or play a video game and imagine being the character. I do watch cartoons on a regular basis, I enjoy both classics I grew up with and a few modern cartoons. I do enjoy playing with kids. I like to have fun as much as I can, even if it is sharing a funny anecdote about my cat with my mom. I certainly know the difference between immaturity and having fun. I can still be serious while being light hearted. I think a lot of people lose this perspective as they get older, they get out of touch with their childlike senses. It is really important to me though and it's all about attitude. There isn't a time I can think of where I couldn't have the fun and play outlook. Of course it comes and goes depending on the situation, if it is a serious matter then it goes away or if I am really depressed it hides too. But my normal personality always has a bit of fun in it.
21. Sense of Freedom, Independence: Ranked 4.
22. Creativity: Ranked 3
23. Spiritual Awareness - connection with a "higher power": Not ranked
24. Unconditional Love: Not ranked.
July 11, 2008
*scrape scrape scrape*
I never called Chris, I was too anxious. More anxious than I should have been. I sent him a message saying if we could do it on IM and he said that was not satisfactory. He called me last night and we talked for over an hour and got things situated. There were a few moments where I got tense and he did most of the talking of course, but it was alright overall.
Yesterday was the dentist appointment at 2:30, my first in 8 years. I had a panic attack beforehand. I was anxious and really irritated a few hours before, I was trying to put a clip in my bangs and it wasn't working right so I went into an anger fit. I tensed my muscles and punched myself in the hip about a dozen times and stomped my feet which hurt on the tile of the bathroom. The anxiety symptoms were typical. There was a moment or 2 when I didn't want to go because of my anxiety. Eventually I went into numbness, didn't feel anything except light-headedness and was out of it but I wasn't too paralyzed. I didn't think of doing the muscle relaxation technique until after it was mainly over, but I don't think I could have done it anyway since it makes me dizzy with the breathing and my muscles were too weak to be tensed anyway. My mom drove me and when I got to the office I couldn't look at anyone really and I was very soft-spoken. The exam went alright, I had a lot of tartar and I bled when the hygenist was cleaning it off. I got to see my wisdom teeth x-rays and they suggested I see a surgeon to get them out as a precautionary measure. No cavities though I thought I had one. I felt better by the end of it but I was very dizzy, partly from laying in the chair and partly from the panic attack.
I weighed Theo earlier. He's about 17.5 lbs, he's gained 2 in 2 years.
I had a crappy night of sleep. I went to bed at about 1 and I would fall very close to sleep, even have light REM A-wave dreams but then I would come back up. I got up about 2:30, took a hit of resin and watched TV for about half an hour. I put on Matisyahu Youth and fell asleep about halfway through the album. Since my mom actually has the AC off most of the time this summer, I am not as cold in my room/in the basement and so I went through temperature phases. It was hard to find a good medium. I had a dream where I was at my old house and my parents were back together, and if I wasn't avoiding my father I was trying to kill him. The past few nights I have been trying to kill him to get rid of him. A tornado was also in the dream, this time it went through my room after I saw it form through the side window.
I had wanted to go to 7-11 for free Slurpee day, but the free Slurpees are not even 8 ounces so it's not worth it. So dumb.
Yesterday was the dentist appointment at 2:30, my first in 8 years. I had a panic attack beforehand. I was anxious and really irritated a few hours before, I was trying to put a clip in my bangs and it wasn't working right so I went into an anger fit. I tensed my muscles and punched myself in the hip about a dozen times and stomped my feet which hurt on the tile of the bathroom. The anxiety symptoms were typical. There was a moment or 2 when I didn't want to go because of my anxiety. Eventually I went into numbness, didn't feel anything except light-headedness and was out of it but I wasn't too paralyzed. I didn't think of doing the muscle relaxation technique until after it was mainly over, but I don't think I could have done it anyway since it makes me dizzy with the breathing and my muscles were too weak to be tensed anyway. My mom drove me and when I got to the office I couldn't look at anyone really and I was very soft-spoken. The exam went alright, I had a lot of tartar and I bled when the hygenist was cleaning it off. I got to see my wisdom teeth x-rays and they suggested I see a surgeon to get them out as a precautionary measure. No cavities though I thought I had one. I felt better by the end of it but I was very dizzy, partly from laying in the chair and partly from the panic attack.
I weighed Theo earlier. He's about 17.5 lbs, he's gained 2 in 2 years.
I had a crappy night of sleep. I went to bed at about 1 and I would fall very close to sleep, even have light REM A-wave dreams but then I would come back up. I got up about 2:30, took a hit of resin and watched TV for about half an hour. I put on Matisyahu Youth and fell asleep about halfway through the album. Since my mom actually has the AC off most of the time this summer, I am not as cold in my room/in the basement and so I went through temperature phases. It was hard to find a good medium. I had a dream where I was at my old house and my parents were back together, and if I wasn't avoiding my father I was trying to kill him. The past few nights I have been trying to kill him to get rid of him. A tornado was also in the dream, this time it went through my room after I saw it form through the side window.
I had wanted to go to 7-11 for free Slurpee day, but the free Slurpees are not even 8 ounces so it's not worth it. So dumb.
July 9, 2008
I have to call Chris tonight (well, not have to but I will) and I am very, very nervous. I hate confrontation. He wants me to call him to discuss things, or rather a response to what I sent him last night. I suppose this is why it is better to say things outright instead of leaving them in my head. But also if I do say things outright, especially if they are negative atributes to someone's personality or behavior, that could lead to a ton of bullshit too. Or I might be considered "bitchy". Maybe this is why I don't get too close with people, I want to be friends and have fun and avoid all the drama and crap. So I hold it in, it's better than any sort of confrontation. Chris is extremely difficult to talk to as well, especially about this type of personal-emotional stuff. I think he will be defensive of himself, he seems to be very arrogant as of late.
I am really very anxious about making this call. My heart is beating harder and faster than normal. I took 2 hits of resin about an hour ago but it's doing nothing for my anxiety. I haven't smoked any actual cannabis since Saturday. I think the lack of green may contribute to this overall higher anxiety.
I am really very anxious about making this call. My heart is beating harder and faster than normal. I took 2 hits of resin about an hour ago but it's doing nothing for my anxiety. I haven't smoked any actual cannabis since Saturday. I think the lack of green may contribute to this overall higher anxiety.
Smoke a dream
Theo's purr was very intense when we did an early afternoon post-wakeup cuddle. Loud and deep, it was wonderful.
The carpenter ants are still around of course. I updated Mom on the findings of my quick internet research, but we won't get aan exterminator out here until after the Florida trip. Which means when I return I will have dozens of ant corpses to pick up and put in the cup.
Leslie and Pau came over last night. Mainly so Leslie could trim my hair. I gave her "Galaxie" and she liked it, though I think she liked it mostly because I made it for her. (Well she could love the painting itself but I don't, it's not one of my faves). She trimmed the sides down to a 1, shorter than I really wanted but that will be it for the summer and this was the only opportunity for her to do it for me. My mohawk is really a mohawk now and I don't feel "punk" enough to have it. Of course when my mom and I go to Florida next week we will be going to church with my brother's family, and my hairstyle may make them concerned about how -they- look. Whatever, it's totally functional. And it's not like this is the first time my hair has been trimmed to a 1. Before Leslie trimmed my hair I asked her if it was okay that I take my shirt off since I didn't want all those little hairs to be stuck on it. She said she was okay with it, so I took it off and it was a little awkward at first. She looked off to the corner but there was no way she could avoid seeing my breasts since she would be over me trimming my hair. But once we started I think it was okay, it was a little awkward for me at first but then it was fine. If I can feel comfortable around anyone it's those two.
After Leslie, Pau and I were done here, we went over to his place (we were waiting to go to Pau's house when his mom would be asleep). A couple weeks ago I went to the Roadshow with Pau and Ron and I purchased a vial of 10X Salvia Divinorum. I promised Ron last September that I would get some so he could experience it. Well that didn't happen until now (I don't like to call it procrastination, though really that is what it is). I had been wanting to smoke it over the weekend when I had the house to myself but Ron didn't want to do it then so he suggested Tuesday (yesterday). He was unreachable, so we decided to do it without him. This was Leslie's first time and my third. I had hoped that 10X would be low enough to not fuck with me but high enough to still get the physical feeling. I was the first one to take a dose and I soon realized that I had forgotten the initial salvia trip feeling. For me it feels like gravity increases, I was sitting in a desk chair with a high back and arms and I setted into them deeply. My head was resting on the top of the chair back and I was fixed onto the ceiling. More like my head could not really move because of the heavy feeling. We were in Chris' room and Pau had splatter-painted it recently with purple and black paint. This made the room good for tripping. Visually I was focused onto this 2'x1' area of purple and in it was a typical psychedelic pattern, kind of like a paisley. I also got the wave and some slight movement of the splatters. No actual objects appeared however I saw one dark spot move across the periferal of my vision and a large shape began to develop in front of me (against the far wall) but did nor really coalesce, if it did I think it would have been a dragon since that is what I felt it was as a light blur. If I focused I could see more visuals, like if I just stared off. Mentally during the peak it felt like I was visiting a dream I had had sometime in the recent past. I do not think I actually had this dream. But in my salvia mind I was returning to a dream where Pau and Leslie were present and the setting seemed very familiar. The room was more of a magenta/fuscia and we were in more of a hallway than a bedroom. In the dream I was conversing with Pau which IRL while I was tripping he was standing next to me readying Leslie's dose. I think how salvia aaffects my brain may be connected to my brain as it dreams, since the first time I tripped I went to a place that is common in my dream settings. This 'peak' did not last too long and I think I kept myself more grounded since there were others in the room who were grounded. Leslie was next and then Pau. Afterwards everyone was really tired, I had not experienced this before but I think it was due to the fact that it was 1 AM when we dosed. After Pau seemed to be down enough we had a chat about our trip, Leslie was asleep or at least lating down and not up to discussion. I will get her report later. Right now I feel very fatigued and out of it which is not unusual for me, but it is a different type of feeling than normal. I will attribute this to the salvia trip. I had an active dreaming night which may or may not have to do with the salvia. I usually have at least one dream I remember with good detail the next day, but I had at least 2 separate dreams from last night that I remember with decent detail.
I woke up at about 1 PM and it is now close to 2 PM, I think working on this entry helped to shake some of the feeling, but I am noticably "out of it" when I look around and try to focus on things. Oh well, it's happened before with the panic attack seizures and I can deal with it.
I trimmed my armpits a couple days ago. The length of the hair was long enough that it could use a trim, probably a couple inches. Plus I trimmed it for Florida on the off chance I would wear a bathing suit (not doing the legs though). I definately can tell that I STINK. When I have pit hair I do not have pit odor, but now that it is gone I can really smell it. It seems counterintuitive but it is true, other girls experience the same thing. I used the hair trimmer bare and I got a couple cuts. I don't think I could handle shaving it, last time I shaved my pits bare (in Feb I think) I was disturbed by how wierd and unnatural I looked. So I have some stubble, and I think it will grow out to a nice length by the time of BFC. But yeah, I definately have pit b.o.
I have two dreams I need to record. Both are sex dreams and the being I was having sex with were both animals. But I think that will have to wait until later today to be written out.
The carpenter ants are still around of course. I updated Mom on the findings of my quick internet research, but we won't get aan exterminator out here until after the Florida trip. Which means when I return I will have dozens of ant corpses to pick up and put in the cup.
Leslie and Pau came over last night. Mainly so Leslie could trim my hair. I gave her "Galaxie" and she liked it, though I think she liked it mostly because I made it for her. (Well she could love the painting itself but I don't, it's not one of my faves). She trimmed the sides down to a 1, shorter than I really wanted but that will be it for the summer and this was the only opportunity for her to do it for me. My mohawk is really a mohawk now and I don't feel "punk" enough to have it. Of course when my mom and I go to Florida next week we will be going to church with my brother's family, and my hairstyle may make them concerned about how -they- look. Whatever, it's totally functional. And it's not like this is the first time my hair has been trimmed to a 1. Before Leslie trimmed my hair I asked her if it was okay that I take my shirt off since I didn't want all those little hairs to be stuck on it. She said she was okay with it, so I took it off and it was a little awkward at first. She looked off to the corner but there was no way she could avoid seeing my breasts since she would be over me trimming my hair. But once we started I think it was okay, it was a little awkward for me at first but then it was fine. If I can feel comfortable around anyone it's those two.
After Leslie, Pau and I were done here, we went over to his place (we were waiting to go to Pau's house when his mom would be asleep). A couple weeks ago I went to the Roadshow with Pau and Ron and I purchased a vial of 10X Salvia Divinorum. I promised Ron last September that I would get some so he could experience it. Well that didn't happen until now (I don't like to call it procrastination, though really that is what it is). I had been wanting to smoke it over the weekend when I had the house to myself but Ron didn't want to do it then so he suggested Tuesday (yesterday). He was unreachable, so we decided to do it without him. This was Leslie's first time and my third. I had hoped that 10X would be low enough to not fuck with me but high enough to still get the physical feeling. I was the first one to take a dose and I soon realized that I had forgotten the initial salvia trip feeling. For me it feels like gravity increases, I was sitting in a desk chair with a high back and arms and I setted into them deeply. My head was resting on the top of the chair back and I was fixed onto the ceiling. More like my head could not really move because of the heavy feeling. We were in Chris' room and Pau had splatter-painted it recently with purple and black paint. This made the room good for tripping. Visually I was focused onto this 2'x1' area of purple and in it was a typical psychedelic pattern, kind of like a paisley. I also got the wave and some slight movement of the splatters. No actual objects appeared however I saw one dark spot move across the periferal of my vision and a large shape began to develop in front of me (against the far wall) but did nor really coalesce, if it did I think it would have been a dragon since that is what I felt it was as a light blur. If I focused I could see more visuals, like if I just stared off. Mentally during the peak it felt like I was visiting a dream I had had sometime in the recent past. I do not think I actually had this dream. But in my salvia mind I was returning to a dream where Pau and Leslie were present and the setting seemed very familiar. The room was more of a magenta/fuscia and we were in more of a hallway than a bedroom. In the dream I was conversing with Pau which IRL while I was tripping he was standing next to me readying Leslie's dose. I think how salvia aaffects my brain may be connected to my brain as it dreams, since the first time I tripped I went to a place that is common in my dream settings. This 'peak' did not last too long and I think I kept myself more grounded since there were others in the room who were grounded. Leslie was next and then Pau. Afterwards everyone was really tired, I had not experienced this before but I think it was due to the fact that it was 1 AM when we dosed. After Pau seemed to be down enough we had a chat about our trip, Leslie was asleep or at least lating down and not up to discussion. I will get her report later. Right now I feel very fatigued and out of it which is not unusual for me, but it is a different type of feeling than normal. I will attribute this to the salvia trip. I had an active dreaming night which may or may not have to do with the salvia. I usually have at least one dream I remember with good detail the next day, but I had at least 2 separate dreams from last night that I remember with decent detail.
I woke up at about 1 PM and it is now close to 2 PM, I think working on this entry helped to shake some of the feeling, but I am noticably "out of it" when I look around and try to focus on things. Oh well, it's happened before with the panic attack seizures and I can deal with it.
I trimmed my armpits a couple days ago. The length of the hair was long enough that it could use a trim, probably a couple inches. Plus I trimmed it for Florida on the off chance I would wear a bathing suit (not doing the legs though). I definately can tell that I STINK. When I have pit hair I do not have pit odor, but now that it is gone I can really smell it. It seems counterintuitive but it is true, other girls experience the same thing. I used the hair trimmer bare and I got a couple cuts. I don't think I could handle shaving it, last time I shaved my pits bare (in Feb I think) I was disturbed by how wierd and unnatural I looked. So I have some stubble, and I think it will grow out to a nice length by the time of BFC. But yeah, I definately have pit b.o.
I have two dreams I need to record. Both are sex dreams and the being I was having sex with were both animals. But I think that will have to wait until later today to be written out.
July 7, 2008
who needs friends when you've got the internet?!
I hope the issues with Chris are resolved but I can never tell. He blamed him not paying his fair shre of the memorial weekend camping trip "as usual" on capitalism...this is what he said exactly "As for the camping trip, the only true blame I would assign is on, as usual, the economic and cultural state of our society. It is not our fault we got screwed, because that's the intention of business: profit before everything. " I told him that "we" did not get screwed but that I and Leslie got screwed. It did not affect him since he did not pay, so he cannot be included in the screwing. Well anyway who knows when the next time I see him will be, and I'm wiser to his bullshit at least.
Therapy session did not go well today because I was light headed, dizzy and weak and thus could not focus. So it was ended short and nothing got done. I do not know why I felt so bad, it staarted when I got in the car to go to the office. Even though I woke up during REM (not too deep) I felt fine and it took less time than normal for me to feel awake. I took a nap this afternoon and still felt kinda crappy afterwards. I have to go back to the office tomorrow to see the shrink.
I think my brain is trying to get me closer to lucid dreaming. I think things during my dream about what is happening, like I know I am dreaming and I analyze what happens. Last night this guy Tony whom I went to jr high-high school with appeared in a dream but he was in a 7th grade form and I made a mental not of that. Perhaps it is hard to explain me thinking separate from what I may be thinking of as part of the dream. Though I don't know if I really "think" in dreams past. I just do what the dream makes me do. Also last night I wanted something to happen to my father in a dream set in the house I grew up in (could be an extension of the same dream). He was on the porch and not really viable, just kind of there in a diminished lifeless state. Still he was affecting me and I wanted some horrible thing to happen to his form like I wanted him to be cut up or something. I don't remember exactly but I do remember trying a couple of times to have this thing happen to him and it failed. Finally he vaporized or turned into dust, but I don't think I 'did' that myself, the dream made it happen after I tried to do it myself several times. This type of dream awareness has been happening more often in the past few months and it seems to increase a little each time. Perhaps it will lead me to have an actual lucid dream. It's way too rudimentary now as often I am aware I am dreaming but that is as far as the awareness goes.
I went to Red Robin with my mom for dinner tonight since I had the once-yearly burger crave. I had a mushroom and swiss burger, and it wasn't that great. Should've had the chicken.
Therapy session did not go well today because I was light headed, dizzy and weak and thus could not focus. So it was ended short and nothing got done. I do not know why I felt so bad, it staarted when I got in the car to go to the office. Even though I woke up during REM (not too deep) I felt fine and it took less time than normal for me to feel awake. I took a nap this afternoon and still felt kinda crappy afterwards. I have to go back to the office tomorrow to see the shrink.
I think my brain is trying to get me closer to lucid dreaming. I think things during my dream about what is happening, like I know I am dreaming and I analyze what happens. Last night this guy Tony whom I went to jr high-high school with appeared in a dream but he was in a 7th grade form and I made a mental not of that. Perhaps it is hard to explain me thinking separate from what I may be thinking of as part of the dream. Though I don't know if I really "think" in dreams past. I just do what the dream makes me do. Also last night I wanted something to happen to my father in a dream set in the house I grew up in (could be an extension of the same dream). He was on the porch and not really viable, just kind of there in a diminished lifeless state. Still he was affecting me and I wanted some horrible thing to happen to his form like I wanted him to be cut up or something. I don't remember exactly but I do remember trying a couple of times to have this thing happen to him and it failed. Finally he vaporized or turned into dust, but I don't think I 'did' that myself, the dream made it happen after I tried to do it myself several times. This type of dream awareness has been happening more often in the past few months and it seems to increase a little each time. Perhaps it will lead me to have an actual lucid dream. It's way too rudimentary now as often I am aware I am dreaming but that is as far as the awareness goes.
I went to Red Robin with my mom for dinner tonight since I had the once-yearly burger crave. I had a mushroom and swiss burger, and it wasn't that great. Should've had the chicken.
Also to note
A few things I should also mention for chronology's sake but will not go into detail depth:
-On Friday (4th) I went to Carla's for a "bon fire". The fire did not happen but we, we also including Eli-Matt-Leslie-Pau-and Kevin, hung out at her place for a few hours. I somewhat did not want to go but Leslie was expecting me. It was alright, a little boring at first which was expected and not a whole lot of conversation from me. I hated all the suburban fireworks displays. The sound really got to me this year.
-Today on the science channel they showed a new "end of the world scenario" movie called Impact Earth. It must have showed Saturday night or fairly recently but I did not see any advertisements for it. I was really excited to catch it this afternoon though, I love end of the world scenarios and these movies are decent enough (supervolcano was excellent. Comet had horrible acting. This one was in the middle). While it was supposed to be about meteorite impact the object was really a comet. Which they already did but oh well. Also this was more about before the catastrophe and not anything really during or after which I am most interested in. While I enjoyed it, I think there was too much entertainment and not enough science. The plot focused so much on characters' personal lives, moreso than the previous movies. I hope this isn't a trend.
-I picked up Pokemon Silver again. It is fun and passes the time. Will take it to Florida with me, good for the plane.
-On Friday (4th) I went to Carla's for a "bon fire". The fire did not happen but we, we also including Eli-Matt-Leslie-Pau-and Kevin, hung out at her place for a few hours. I somewhat did not want to go but Leslie was expecting me. It was alright, a little boring at first which was expected and not a whole lot of conversation from me. I hated all the suburban fireworks displays. The sound really got to me this year.
-Today on the science channel they showed a new "end of the world scenario" movie called Impact Earth. It must have showed Saturday night or fairly recently but I did not see any advertisements for it. I was really excited to catch it this afternoon though, I love end of the world scenarios and these movies are decent enough (supervolcano was excellent. Comet had horrible acting. This one was in the middle). While it was supposed to be about meteorite impact the object was really a comet. Which they already did but oh well. Also this was more about before the catastrophe and not anything really during or after which I am most interested in. While I enjoyed it, I think there was too much entertainment and not enough science. The plot focused so much on characters' personal lives, moreso than the previous movies. I hope this isn't a trend.
-I picked up Pokemon Silver again. It is fun and passes the time. Will take it to Florida with me, good for the plane.
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