socialization again

Yesterday showed me how pointless friendships are. Or rather how pointless it is to try and socialize with people who could be considered "friends". I would say that maybe it's just me and maybe it was just that one incident. 7 of us met up at a local eatery last night. Odd numbers sometimes make an odd person out, and that was me. I'm fine with not being a part of a conversation, just listening and observing. But even when I tried to make a comment I was ignored. I must've said 3 things that no one else even heard. What is the point of me even being around if they're not going to enjoy my company? It really hurts. How one person's personality in particular has changed over the past year really gets to me. I suppose he could be considered, well at one point at least, my "best" friend. But he's become so arrogant and self absorbed, hypocritical and selfish that I don't even care if I spend time with him. It's slightly unpleasant to be around him now. If I or someone else (because others see it too) were to even bring it up he would deny and defend. So again, what's the point?

I don't like being ignored, though I'm used to it enough. No one likes to be ignored. So what, I spend time with people I see once a month or so and I might as well not even be there. They use my car, they use my weed (which I am happy to offer up) but they don't seem to want to think of me any other time or much when I am there. I don't get the social payback I am subconsciously looking for while I keep giving. Maybe that is why others are selfish, they have this social experience where they know they can't just keep giving and now they want others to give to them. I'm starting to know when to say no and the specific people not to be too generous to. I hate being this way but I've been burned too many times. I'm not going to go out of my way for someone who won't appreciate it, I shouldn't have to. No one really goes out of their way for me...

I think the malfunction is in my mind. Maybe it's all me and just how I perceive the situations and interactions. In which case I am just as bad as them. I rarely call anyone to hang out because they never call me. I give people a short time span, a couple months, after they have done some social transgression before I am done with them. I can't keep being the one that tries, there has to be complete 50/50 in the relationship or it's not worth it to me. Saying these things makes me feel like the "bad" person here, but I think it's reasonable to want an equal give and take from relationships with other people.

But it's experiences like I had yesterday that make me want to spend time with others even less. There was a point later in the evening, 9 or so, where I felt I had enough socialization and was ready to go back to my house to be alone. I don't know if any of them would really understand that concept. Most of them would rather have someone around or be doing something than be alone.

I have already made the definite decision that I am leaving this area of Michigan sometime next summer. I am thinking I would like to go back to New Mexico and there is no reason as far as relationships go that would keep me here. I wouldn't "miss" anyone if I left the state. If I see them once a year rather than once a month, the quality of the time spent together would be immensely more anyway.

It still hurts, though.

socialization

I have actually been writing in my public journal a bit recently. I have a reader who leaves comments now maybe. Perhaps someone who is sincere.

School is going on. That's my main focus, I've kind of made myself not have my mind on other activities, like the activism group and what not. Focus on school, maybe I won't have too heavy anxiety.

I am really quite insocial (made up term). Being around people don't bring me enjoyment really, it feels quite lame and I am not impressed by them at all. These are people in my "social group" who I've known for a while and have enjoyed their company before. I know it's an internal thing, though it is their emerging personality behaviors that are getting to me...

Well I wanted to type more on the subject and think somethings through but I am very tired. Maybe later.

Laking wife

Apparently in dreams when you try to turn a light on via wall switch, it won't work. This morning I had a dream with the same predicament, but smart me I realized the dimmer slider was to off, I slid it up and the light came on.