The following is a series of e-mails, the top being an explanation of why I vote third party. The last is from a fellow voter who thinks that "Not voting, or voting third party, is voting for McCain." I am utterly fed up with people thinking the third party vote is totally worthless and moreso I am fed up with fellow American voters devaluing the vote of the citizen who goes for a third party candidate.
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First, I think you need some general background info about how I came to be a third party voter. In high school I had an excellent history teacher. He is the person who really pushed me into activism and set an example for me with his own form of activism. In 2000 I was in the tenth grade, and he was a Nader supporter. He talked often of the election in the first couple months of the school year and made me realize that the 2-party run democracy was a joke (and also made me realize there were more candidates on the ballot than just the reps and dems). I guess I learned that voting is most significant when you vote for the candidate who best represents you politically.
Also, I am not a Nader supporter. I will support any candidate who is at my level of "liberalness". The Green Party is almost there, however Ralph Nader happened to be there in 2004 as well. It doesn't have to be Nader, but it just happened to be. I looked at all my choices (including Kerry) and wasn't set on who I would vote for until a few days before election day. This year I do not know who I will vote for until all the candidates are set and I can review each platform. However, there is little chance of me voting for Obama because I know that at least the Green Party candidate would be a better choice for me politically.
Perhaps the election I first voted in also has a lot to do with my views on third parties. My experience in '04 was totally different from yours because we are in two completely different voting segments (total brain fart on the actual term). I was 19 and the push to get young voters to the polls was basically "do you want 4 more years of Bush? vote for Kerry". Celebrities were the main drive behind this push, I remember Puff Daddy/P Diddy whatever basing his rock the vote campaign on that platform, and Jack Black wore a "vote Kerry" shirt at some awards show. These are just small examples but I think you understand the process. And of course what celebrities do, many people follow. Maybe it was the same over all age demographics (brain fart cleared ha), but of course celebrity exposure especially through outlets like MTV are aimed towards the 18-34 group. Alongside media was pressure from my peers. My really good friend Chris was a great example of voting for Kerry to keep Bush out for a second term, even though Kerry was not a good political representar for Chris' ideals. So I would get pressure from him and hear him talking to others about the lesser of 2 evils bit. And that is when I realized that I had an important choice...go with the flow in hopes Bush was not re-elected or stick with voting third party because that is what my heart wanted me to do.
I just heard this quote on CNN news, and this is what prompted me to write this e-mail out again: "(some democrats) blame Nader for stealing votes from Gore". Forget the fact that there are people with free will to vote for whom they want to behind those votes! Nader didn't "steal votes", he was a candidate who ran and who gave people more of a choice. Obviously the 4% of Americans who voted for Nader/the Green party in 2000 did so because they thought he was the best choice on the ballot for them. It's not like the Green party went after these people for their vote, nor did they have a secret plan to thwart the entire election and get Bush elected. It's statements like those that really get to me. First, it devalues the individual citizen's vote. I hold the vote very dear as it seems the only way for an individual citizen to voice their own choice (though of course even the vote doesn't -really- matter because of the electoral college). Secondly, it devalues the integrity of the individual voting citizen's decision, choice, and free will. It's just ridiculous and illiogical arguments that people try to make, like "Not voting, or voting third party, is voting for McCain", and it's people like me who are at the brunt of those statements.
"What possible candidate would that be?" Well, that would be yourself. Of course no candidate represents any individual 100%. There would be 200 million candidates on the ballot if that were the case. However, if you have a choice between a candidate that represents you 15%, 35%, and maybe 65%, what is the most logical choice? I personally go for the 65% even though the person that represents me 35% has a better chance of winning.
Why cannot an ideal vote also be a strategic one? It seems to me that the way people like you think and act, and there are millions of them, just perpetuates the cycle of "lesser of two evils". Of course Nader or the greens have no chance of winning. HOWEVER, they do have a chance of earning 5% of the vote which means they can debate with the Reps and Dems on national TV. Which means more exposure to the masses. So let's say Party Ideal gained 5% of the votes in 2008. Then in 2012, they debate on TV and they earn 8% of the votes. In 2016 same thing happens and they earn 12% of the votes. And maybe, just maybe, in 50-75 years we have a 3 party run democracy. So in my mind, I vote for a third party and that one singular vote helps achieve the 5% (I personally think it is utter bulls**t that candidates have to earn 5% of the popular vote to debate with the donkephant in the first place. Oh how wonderful American democracy is!). And it might just help achieve the breaking of the "lesser of two evils" cycle. That is my strategy. Maybe I am idealistic as I am 23, but I am looking to the future. I honestly really dislike American government for a lot of different reasons, the 2-party rule "democracy" is one of them. And I don't understand how it came to be this way in less than 100 years. The Democrats and Republicans used to be the same party! And it seems with my basic public school historical education that at one time there were always more than 2 parties who stood a chance of winning or who at least gained a significant number of the votes.
Politics aside, I really feel I would be lieing to myself if I voted for a candidate who I didn't really want to be my president. In 2004 I felt like I would be a "sell out" if I voted for Kerry. I felt like I would have given into the pressure of everyone else and ignored my heart. It sounds ridiculous to say I vote with my heart but I guess I do. I do what I feel is right and genuine. Only I can make the decision for me, I cannot let others pressure me or go by some stupid reason like name recognition. My vote is my right, but also more importantly it is MY choice.
"On the other hand, if you view the two major parties as the same, how do you explain the breakdown between to two parties on the most significant marijuana legislation introduced last year, the Hinchley-Rohrbacher amendment." I do not see the larger party disparity which is often displayed with Congressional and Senate bill support as having the same significance as the miniscule disparity represented in the percentage gained by each party in presidential elections. Which in 2000 was pretty much 50%/50%. When the vote is 50/50 or very close, the differences are small. Dem and Rep candidates are really just moderate, there is no huge left or right shift. I suppose when I say they are the same I guess I mean they are both moderate, stuck in the middle. My mother, who is 62, mentioned once that elections never used to be so close. I take that to mean there used to be more of a difference between the dems and reps in elections past, with one candidate having a large majority of votes earned than the other.
"How many Greens voted yes? None, because none were elected to national office." Which might be different if either the Greens got 5% in 2000 or if the democracy was really a democracy and each candidate could freely debate with one another, etc etc etc.
"So what qualifies a Green like Nader to hold the highest political office in the land in the first place?" Well, if the majority of the people vote for him then that would qualify him to be the president. What qualifies an individual with many connections to major industries and who defies his nation's citizens and does whatever he feels like to live out some legacy to hold the highest political office in the land? (this can be any president really, I am sure there are multiple levels of corruption no civilian will ever know about.) If enough Americans think this individual is worthy enough to be president for whatever reason, they will vote for them and then the EC will do their business and there we go. Of course there is the issue of enough Americans even knowing about this candidate in the first place. And here we are back at the 5% issue. I think a lot of Americans go by what they see on TV. If there are just two dudes on the stage then there must only be two dudes on the ballot. This is not about Ralph Nader, this is about third party representation. If we were having this conversation 2 decades in the past or 2 decades in the future, it would be a different name but the same argument (though I would hope that in 20 years something would change, however I doubt it).
"but if you see the Nader vote in 2004 as a positive vote for change, I'd just like to ask, where is the change? " I do not see, nor did I ever say, that I saw the Nader vote in 2004 as a vote for change. In fact it is the direct opposite. The 2000 vote is much different though. The Greens were oh so very close to that 5% mark. And there would be the catalyst for change, hopefully. But then everyone blamed the Nader/Green vote as the reason why Bush won in '00, and that was the reason why you SHOULDN'T vote third party in 2004. Because you know, a vote for a third party was a vote for Bush. I didn't listen to that nonsense and I still voted third party, because I felt that was the right thing to do given my political leaning. If anything, the Nader vote in 2004 was a reminder that voters like me are still around. I believe he earned 3% of the vote, and with all third parties combined (from both sides of the spectrum) the percentage probably totaled no more than 6 or 7 percent. To say that the 6% of us who did not vote for Kerry or Bush are to blame (and why is it always those who vote for Nader? Other candidates earned percentage points too) for Bush's re-election is a disgusting scape goat. Who is to blame for a candidate not succeeding? The candidate themselves and their campaign. And what is so democratic about BLAMING people for voting? This whole argument is so illogical to me, there are no factual basis for any blame or the what if's. And it really gets to me when Americans blame their fellow Americans for the outcome of presidential elections.
How can me voting for who I want to -ever- not be the right thing to do? If you voted for Bush in '00 or '04 and he was the person you really wanted to vote for I would never say that I disagreed that that was the right thing to do. An individual voting for the candidate they want to is ALWAYS the right thing to do! I do not think that voting for someone because of name recognition or because you are pressured to vote for someone (like I was pressured to vote for Kerry in '04) is the right thing to do, however, because those are lame reasons to vote for someone that has absolutely no political basis. Yes you say you respect my right to vote for whomever I want to, that's democracy right?, but really you don't because you think it is the wrong choice. I just don't understand how any vote can be a "wrong choice" when it is understood that the individual has the right and freedom to choose whomever they want to vote for. Heck, if you didn't like ANY of the candidates and wrote in yourself then that's fine by me, you are still using your right to make a choice (as a side I would like to make a point that many people write in fictional characters as their vote, Donald Duck always seems to come up. Why isn't anyone blaming these people for not actually voting for a person???) I accepted Bush's win in '04 because that is how American citizens voted. I didn't like it but oh well, the majority of my fellow Americans did and I have to deal with it. I would never say that what those Americans did by voting for Bush was the not the right thing to do. It is the individual's choice, and I respect that individual's choice. NOT just their right. Of course disagreeing with my vote does not take my right away but what it does do is sends me a message that fellow voting Americans hold some sort of grudge against me because I do use that right to vote and use it to vote for someone that isn't a rep or dem. I think that is ludicrous. It's like, you are saying you don't like how I use my right. I get this over and over from many people. Directed towards me or to people who vote third party in general it doesn't matter. I really shouldn't have to defend my choice in this way because I would hope most people have respect for one another to accept the choices that they make. At least I vote in the first place! Let's put blame on those who don't vote at all. I did not register to vote on my 18th birthday because it fell on a Sunday. I had to wait until the next day and I did so, right after school I went to the SOS and was registered. VOTING is the right thing to do, it shouldn't matter who you vote for. But apparently it does matter, and it's okay to blame the individual instead of the candidates themselves for not campaigning more effectively or for the whole damn false democratic system which allows for a 2-party ruled system.
It doesn't matter though, I feel I am doing the right thing by utilizing my right to vote to say I want a third party candidate for president (not because they are third party of course, but because I would rather have a 65% representation than 35%). I just get sick of hearing crap like "a vote for a third party is a vote for McCain". We can agree to disagree (I don't even know where the agreeance/disagreeance is really, it's just a difference of views), however I hope that you understand better now how someone like me feels when political blame is put onto them and why I vote third party. I don't think this is an agree/disagree issue but more of a failure to see the process (or strategy?) from the other's point of view. I understand completely why you think it is better to vote for a candidate who has a higher chance of winning even though they represent you less than a candidate who has no chance of winning but who better represents you. That is the view of the majority of "independent/undecided" voters and I considered that move in '04. But I think that a lot of these people do not take the time to consider how people like me see the process, and that leads to problems. It leads to "blame". And absolutely stupid remarks like the one that spawned this whole series of e-mails.
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Becky,
Thanks for speaking up. Although I disagree with some of what you are saying, I am sympathetic to your perspective and I will defend your right to vote for whomever you wish. I too, love the Green Party, especially at a local level where they stand a good chance of building a community political infrastructure. In 2004, I voted for 6 Republicans (all local township, anti-big box store, pro-local small business), 4 Greens, (local and state) and 4 Democrats (national).
I've never voted for a candidate because they represented my political ideals. What possible candidate would that be? My vote is ALWAYS a strategic vote as opposed to an ideal vote. In my youth, I could afford to be idealistic. As a 60 year old, I've eaten crow in enough elections to see my vote in the same way that I view the Hippocratic oath; ABOVE ALL, DO NO HARM. You have an absolute right to vote for whomever you wish but if you see the Nader vote in 2004 as a positive vote for change, I'd just like to ask, where is the change?
On the other hand, if you view the two major parties as the same, how do you explain the breakdown between to two parties on the most significant marijuana legislation introduced last year, the Hinchley-Rohrbacher amendment. The majority of Democrats voted yes. The majority of Republicans voted no. That's a huge difference between the 2 parties about federal marijuana raids. How many Greens voted yes? None, because none were elected to national office.
So what qualifies a Green like Nader to hold the highest political office in the land in the first place? I used to have a lot of respect for Nader, but his legacy for the past 7 years has been an embarrassment to anyone who has supported and loved the man's past work. If Nader was really serious about running for president, he would have spent the last 7 years, proving his ability to be a national leader by building a formidable political infrastructure within the Green Party but instead, he rests on his laurels and every 4 years pops out of the woodwork to massage his ego. Whatever! You have a RIGHT to vote for Nader or any other being but I just disagree that it's the RIGHT THING TO DO. Saying that I disagree with your vote doesn't take your right away. It just means that we are both exercising our right to free speech and agreeing to disagree.
Bob "Marijuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing." --- Harry J. Anslinger (Commissioner, Federal Bureau of Narcotics)
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On May 31, 2008, at 9:19 AM, Becky wrote:
"> Not voting, or voting third party, is voting for McCain. Not just my
opinion, but that of just about every published observer of our
politics out there."
I STRONGLY disagree. Voting third party is a vote for real democracy. Voting for someone who doesn't support your political ideals is a wasted vote!
The 2004 election was the first presidential election I could vote in. I was pressured from many people, friend to celebrity, to vote for Kerry. Not because of his platform or ideals, but because he wasn't Bush. if I didn't vote for Kerry then Bush would win and the world would end, America would turn to hell and it would be MY fault because I didn't cast my vote for "the lesser of 2 evils". It didn't matter if actually I wanted Kerry to be my president or not.
I voted for Nader.
I am "very liberal" by the current political spectrum and was a member of Socialist Party USA for 2 years. Why the hell would I vote for a Democrat? They are no where near liberal enough for me and as far as I am concerned are the same as a Republican, they just have a different name and a different color. The 2 ruling parties of America are two in the same. The vote in 2000 should be enough to tell you that, it was pretty much split 50/50. (and I find it laughable that people blame the paltry Green Party vote percentage for Bush winning in 2000...nevermind the facts that the controversial state in question was Florida governed by Jeb Bush, and that Gore only recounted one county and not the whole state, etc etc etc).
I thought America was supposed to be a DEMOCRACY. I thought each citizen had the RIGHT to vote for whomever they wanted! If I were to vote for Kerry in 2004, I would have wasted my vote! And it is the same thing this year, if I vote for a Democrat then again I will waste MY vote because the Democrat party does not share my ideals. There are other parties and other candidates who better represent me as an American citizen. I roll my eyes each time I hear someone say "a vote for a third party is a wasted vote" or is a vote for the "bad guy". THE ONLY WASTED VOTE IS A VOTE FOR A CANDIDATE WHO DOES NOT REPRESENT YOU!!!! If Obama represents your political ideals then fine, vote for him. You have that right. But don't tell me that I'm wasting my time or that a vote for the candidate I actually want as my president is a vote for "the bad guy".
Again, I thought America was supposed to be a democracy...not a 2-party capitalistic monarchy! Maybe if more Americans had the patriotic balls to vote for the candidate who actually represents them, "we" wouldn't have to choose between deedle dum and deedle dee over and over and over. Maybe "we" would actually have some real democratic progress in this country if there was more political variety. Hell, a third party needs 5% of the popular vote to even be allowed to debate with the Rep and Dem candidates. Guess who made that rule? Welcome to democracy!
So I will vote third party this year, and probably will in all future elections. I do not see voting third party as a vote towards McCain. I see voting third party as an expression of my democratic right as an American citizen, a vote towards the person I want to be my president.
-Becky
*I do agree that not voting at all might as well be a vote for the greater of 2 evils, and the non-vote is the ultimate wasted vote.
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Date: Sat, 24 May 2008 11:05:08 -0700
From:
To:
Subject: Huh? Re: MINORML-TALK: ltr to Obama! He wants to step up our drug war
At 01:16 PM 5/24/08, G wrote:
Obama has just lost my vote and I'm going to work against him now.
While what each of us does in the voting booth next November nobody
else will ever know, it seems to me that it would be good to think
through what could happen.
Does anybody think that John McCain would be a president who would
support our issues? Guess which party's congresscritters have voted
our way the most.
Perhaps it would be good to review this thoughtful column, printed in
several newspapers "Hazy Thinking On Medical Marijuana"
http://www.mapinc.org/drugnews/v08/n490/a07.html
I will support every way I can the party that does the most to
support my issues.
My own 91 year old mother says she can not vote for Obama because of
the color of his skin. She has voted Democrat since she was old
enough to vote, 21 back then. There may be many who think like her --
some just prejudice, some who, like her, are not -- but who just do
not think the country is ready for a black president. I hope to
change her mind.
Not voting, or voting third party, is voting for McCain. Not just my
opinion, but that of just about every published observer of our
politics out there.
I fear for our country if "we may be in Iraq and Afghanistan for a
hundred years" McCain is elected.
-Ric
June 26, 2008
June 17, 2008
little red dots
Yesterday, very early, I went to see my psychiatrist because I suspected the rash that had developed on my feet was due to Lamictal. I had been on Lamictal for 2 weeks, but the rash appeared after a couple of days of first taking the pill.
I have never had a potentially serious side effect before, the ones that have special warnings and doctors (should) mention before giving you the 'script. I feel a little special. I am the 1 in 1,000. Of course I am not taking Lamictal anymore because of the rash-type outbreak.
I have never had a potentially serious side effect before, the ones that have special warnings and doctors (should) mention before giving you the 'script. I feel a little special. I am the 1 in 1,000. Of course I am not taking Lamictal anymore because of the rash-type outbreak.
June 15, 2008
What the &%!@#
About a week or so ago, I replied to a note posted by an acquaintance to Facebook. It was her thoughts on big life questions, something I have been milling over in my brain especially in the past 3 years.
******
Her post:
it is so difficult just living life sometimes. and i don't mean that in pathetic, sad, depressing way. I just mean that sometimes its hard to know if you are doing it right. if you are heading in the right direction, taking advantage of all you should be.
if i am not my ego. if i am not my needs, or my wants, or how i talk, or how i dress... then who am i? sometimes i just feel lost inside myself.
like a stranger to myself. and if i am a stranger to myself, then does anyone know me?
and the deeper i look inside, the more lost i become.
another confusing thing;
there are so many different view points.. on everything.
this is one that particularly gets me.
some say it is good to be in tune with your emotions.. that you should experience them, and that is what it means to be human.
but others say, it is good to be detached. to not let your emotions carry you. to be practical. or maybe some would say, go with the flow. be easy going.
which is right?! they both sound right to me...
i am an incredibly passionate person. i wear my emotions right out there on my sleeve. and i just feel things so intensely sometimes.. love, anger, sadness, joy... i have incredibly idealistic thoughts, and often times this leads me only to disappointment.
so is that bad, should i lower my expectation for the world.. for those around me?
sometimes it feels as though no one cares.. but you know what? i think that assessment is often times correct. people don't care about you or your problems.. even your friends. they are all out dealing with there own lives.
and maybe none of this is bad. maybe its just life.
you know, the more i look at our world.. humanity, the more i evaluate it, the more everything just starts to sound completely silly and made up.
its maddening.
everything we know is just make believe.
but then there is love...
maybe the most curious thing of all...psychology tries to tell us that it is just a chemical reaction in the brain. but what do you think?
there are so many distractions around me all the time. distractions that keep me not only from the answers to these questions, but from the questions themselves. ( and there are so many questions i have. )
things that i "own." media. responsibilities. aimless everyday tasks that we amuse ourselves with. things that we think are necessary, that really just don't even matter.
these are the things that keep me trudging along without time to stop and question life, or why i am doing the things i am doing. or why any of us are...
but i am so afraid of letting these things go. and i know that i won't. i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life.
but at least i am safe where im at right now.
and i can fool myself into thinking that i know where i am going.
and there is a plan.
i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here.
or if there is even a why or a reason for anything.
but at least i have the illusion of a plan.
so i guess my main point of writing this was:
1. clear my head a little.
2. find out if anyone else ever feels this way? is anyone else feeling as confused as me?
******
My response (had to be e-mailed to her, it went too long for any method of Facebook communication).
I can relate very much to your thoughts and confusion. You probably had a similar experience to me growing up, especially in high school, as far as expectations for the rest of your life. Go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, then either more school or get into a career you will have for the rest of your life, maybe have a family, work until 60 something and then you are free to have fun. It's like our life was already set before we turned 18. But then when we get to that stage and plans and expectations do not go the way they were supposed to, we are utterly lost! We are conditioned to expect our lives to go a certain way, but when does that ever happen? We don't know what to do when our locked in path takes a sudden turn, and we are left alone to figure it out since we were never taught about the truths of life.
I don't think anyone knows if what they are doing is "right" (if they did then they are probably pretty arrogant, or ignorant). But, when it comes to life I don't think there is a right or wrong way of living it. I have come to see life as one huge learning experience. You need to make mistakes so you don't repeat them again, you need to experiment to make those mistakes.
After I graduated HS, my plan was to go to Oakland U, live at home for a while to save money, major in biology, and then maybe go on for more degrees or go into a career. I quickly realized that going to OU was not what I wanted to do. But if that wasn't working out, what else could I do? I wasn't prepared for this situation since I had a plan. The next semester I left OU in mid-February and moved to Kentucky to live with a guy I met online. I made up lies because I was too afraid to tell my mother that I was unhappy at OU, I was unhappy with my plan. So then I had a new plan, live with this guy and go to school in KY... Well, moving in with him was a bad idea (as he was a bad person) and I ended up leaving 5 months later to come back. Of course moving in with a guy from the internet was not "doing it right", but if I hadn't had that experience I would not have gained all the knowledge I receive from going through it. I went through the cycle of making new plans and having them change over a few times since, each time was something new that I thought, at least hoped, would be the "right decision".
I have learned not to plan for anything. I finally realized, that at least for my life, that planning was futile because each time I tried to plan, the plan was broken by something out of my control. Most recently was that last summer I planned to go to MCC this year and get my associates. If everything went as planned I would be done with MCC and perhaps would be planning to get a bachelor's somewhere else. But a couple weeks into last fall semester, I developed seizures. I had to drop my classes and get a bunch of testing done. It was a huge bummer that that happened, my plans were once again broken.
Life is what it is...a collection of experiences one goes through over a forward moving period of time. There is no right or wrong really. The only way to know if you are doing something "right" is your level of happiness. I think that above all, happiness is the indicator of how "successful" you life is. Maybe you've heard of people who earn multiple degrees but end up being homeless, and are utterly happy with their lifestyle. My main goal in life is to be happy. That does not include gaining wealth or achieving a list of goals. However it happens, if I am happy then I feel I am successful. On the other hand though, you cannot be happy all the time and there will be times with feelings of sadness or failure. But that's life :).
I understand what you mean when you say "there are so many different view points.. on everything." However, I disagree that these viewpoints are ones that you should listen to and use. People can advise you how to live your life (like I am doing now I guess). There are a lot of viewpoints because everyone has their own personal experience and thoughts on what life is developed from those experiences. But what is right? Well, whatever YOU think is right. Only YOU have control over your life, your brain, your body, your mind, your soul, etc. There is no "wrong" way to live. Something is only "bad" if you think it is. Are your disappointments bringing you down, or are you better off having high hopes and don't care if they don't work out? I think most people would find a happy medium that works for them. I used to have high hopes, mostly with my life plans, but then I learned what I mentioned above. It's not like I am a pessimist now, I just don't expect anything to happen the way I planned it to anymore, and it works for me. I have become more emotionally detached to people in the past few years because I have a tendency to be transient and I don't know where I will be in the next year, 6 months, or even 2 months. Only change if you think you need to, do what works and what makes you happy.
A lot of things are silly and made up. Like the importance put onto what isn't important at all. And the illusion of safety and permanence. You are right that they are distractions, they exist to distract so most people don't have to think deep thoughts and so that they don't have to face LIFE. Toys and media distract the mind from what is really important so people can go through life with ease and convenience and the assurance that nothing will change or disrupt their "life". I will tell you the meaning of life is not in "things". The suburban lifestyle is full of things, and this is why people in suburbia are shallow, selfish, and uncaring towards anyone else. They have those "things" to superficially fulfill their lives, to try and fill the void that may otherwise be filled with compassion, spirituality, and whatnot. I think if you know that "things" are keeping you from any type of actual and real fulfillment, then you need to try as hard as you can to let go. I think people in suburbia are the way they are with their "things" in a way you mentioned - material things give you a sense of safety, and perhaps even an addiction. You can control your yard, your SUV, your shopping, your TV, and it's nice to have that control. But it leads to a monotony and blinding of what really matters in life. You already know the difference, you know the possibility of more fulfillment if you expel the distractions of the American life. I think most Americans do not, they are ignorant or apathetic. So you have the chance and time to change. What lifestyle do you really want? Do you think you will be happy in 10, 20, 50 years with the "things" you think make you safe? When I was a kid I liked having things, from toys to dumb nick-knacks. Totally useless. Now I see useless clutter as an obligation, something that holds me down rather than helps me out (I actually get anxiety when I clean and I realize how much stuff I have, all the stuff I have to deal with at some point in the future). The same can be said about tasks, like you mentioned, not just material items. Obligations and errands lead to a schedule, like I Have to do these things and I don't have any free time, what would I do with free time, I need to fill it up with something to do. That is another source of superficial life security.
You are already missing out on the meaning of life! (Unless you meant by " i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life." as in you might miss it because of the attachment of things. I will interpret it as you will miss out if you let go of the "things"). NOTHING IS PERMANENT! I think that is a very important truth to life that only a few humans know and remember. Sure, you feel safe now. But there could be a fire in your home tomorrow. You could slip and fall and break a leg. There could be a stock market crash next week. The Yellowstone super volcano could blow in a month. That feeling of safety is temporary and a total illusion (and may be a result of our society, but I will leave that discussion alone for now). Anything can happen at any time to spin your life around, so like things, plans are not always permanent either. It would be stupid to live your life in fear, but it is very smart to not have expectations that everything will be safe and secure. Just be prepared for the unpredictable. I think it is okay and imperative to continue making and living through plans, but keep it in the back of your mind that it all can change, and don't be disappointed if/when they do.
"i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here." Me either. If people, especially at our age, have the answer to those questions then they don't know ANYTHING! Perhaps it takes a lifetime to have those questions answered. Perhaps they are never answered (I think it would be interesting to ask someone in their 90's if they have found the answers :).).
"or if there is even a why or a reason for anything." There very well may not be. Sometimes I get into "existential crisis" mode where I think that I do not matter, what I do does not matter, and therefore living does not matter because in 4.5 billion years the sun will run out of energy and that's pretty much it for life on earth. I see there is an end to everything, so why even bother? Reality is that unless we are part of that 0.0000001% of the population that does change the history of the earth in monumental ways, who we are and what we do will eventually burn out. But that's no reason to forgo your time on Earth. There is a reason and why for everything when viewed from the micro, your own life and self, as opposed to the macro, the world and the future of all time. The reason and why just might be a little bit of life experience or a little lesson learned, it might just be a bit of entertainment and may have no more meaning than what it means in the present.
A good plan could just be to live, to be open to whatever happens, and to at least learn from if not enjoy your experiences :). In time you'll figure most of it out.
******
Her post:
it is so difficult just living life sometimes. and i don't mean that in pathetic, sad, depressing way. I just mean that sometimes its hard to know if you are doing it right. if you are heading in the right direction, taking advantage of all you should be.
if i am not my ego. if i am not my needs, or my wants, or how i talk, or how i dress... then who am i? sometimes i just feel lost inside myself.
like a stranger to myself. and if i am a stranger to myself, then does anyone know me?
and the deeper i look inside, the more lost i become.
another confusing thing;
there are so many different view points.. on everything.
this is one that particularly gets me.
some say it is good to be in tune with your emotions.. that you should experience them, and that is what it means to be human.
but others say, it is good to be detached. to not let your emotions carry you. to be practical. or maybe some would say, go with the flow. be easy going.
which is right?! they both sound right to me...
i am an incredibly passionate person. i wear my emotions right out there on my sleeve. and i just feel things so intensely sometimes.. love, anger, sadness, joy... i have incredibly idealistic thoughts, and often times this leads me only to disappointment.
so is that bad, should i lower my expectation for the world.. for those around me?
sometimes it feels as though no one cares.. but you know what? i think that assessment is often times correct. people don't care about you or your problems.. even your friends. they are all out dealing with there own lives.
and maybe none of this is bad. maybe its just life.
you know, the more i look at our world.. humanity, the more i evaluate it, the more everything just starts to sound completely silly and made up.
its maddening.
everything we know is just make believe.
but then there is love...
maybe the most curious thing of all...psychology tries to tell us that it is just a chemical reaction in the brain. but what do you think?
there are so many distractions around me all the time. distractions that keep me not only from the answers to these questions, but from the questions themselves. ( and there are so many questions i have. )
things that i "own." media. responsibilities. aimless everyday tasks that we amuse ourselves with. things that we think are necessary, that really just don't even matter.
these are the things that keep me trudging along without time to stop and question life, or why i am doing the things i am doing. or why any of us are...
but i am so afraid of letting these things go. and i know that i won't. i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life.
but at least i am safe where im at right now.
and i can fool myself into thinking that i know where i am going.
and there is a plan.
i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here.
or if there is even a why or a reason for anything.
but at least i have the illusion of a plan.
so i guess my main point of writing this was:
1. clear my head a little.
2. find out if anyone else ever feels this way? is anyone else feeling as confused as me?
******
My response (had to be e-mailed to her, it went too long for any method of Facebook communication).
I can relate very much to your thoughts and confusion. You probably had a similar experience to me growing up, especially in high school, as far as expectations for the rest of your life. Go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, then either more school or get into a career you will have for the rest of your life, maybe have a family, work until 60 something and then you are free to have fun. It's like our life was already set before we turned 18. But then when we get to that stage and plans and expectations do not go the way they were supposed to, we are utterly lost! We are conditioned to expect our lives to go a certain way, but when does that ever happen? We don't know what to do when our locked in path takes a sudden turn, and we are left alone to figure it out since we were never taught about the truths of life.
I don't think anyone knows if what they are doing is "right" (if they did then they are probably pretty arrogant, or ignorant). But, when it comes to life I don't think there is a right or wrong way of living it. I have come to see life as one huge learning experience. You need to make mistakes so you don't repeat them again, you need to experiment to make those mistakes.
After I graduated HS, my plan was to go to Oakland U, live at home for a while to save money, major in biology, and then maybe go on for more degrees or go into a career. I quickly realized that going to OU was not what I wanted to do. But if that wasn't working out, what else could I do? I wasn't prepared for this situation since I had a plan. The next semester I left OU in mid-February and moved to Kentucky to live with a guy I met online. I made up lies because I was too afraid to tell my mother that I was unhappy at OU, I was unhappy with my plan. So then I had a new plan, live with this guy and go to school in KY... Well, moving in with him was a bad idea (as he was a bad person) and I ended up leaving 5 months later to come back. Of course moving in with a guy from the internet was not "doing it right", but if I hadn't had that experience I would not have gained all the knowledge I receive from going through it. I went through the cycle of making new plans and having them change over a few times since, each time was something new that I thought, at least hoped, would be the "right decision".
I have learned not to plan for anything. I finally realized, that at least for my life, that planning was futile because each time I tried to plan, the plan was broken by something out of my control. Most recently was that last summer I planned to go to MCC this year and get my associates. If everything went as planned I would be done with MCC and perhaps would be planning to get a bachelor's somewhere else. But a couple weeks into last fall semester, I developed seizures. I had to drop my classes and get a bunch of testing done. It was a huge bummer that that happened, my plans were once again broken.
Life is what it is...a collection of experiences one goes through over a forward moving period of time. There is no right or wrong really. The only way to know if you are doing something "right" is your level of happiness. I think that above all, happiness is the indicator of how "successful" you life is. Maybe you've heard of people who earn multiple degrees but end up being homeless, and are utterly happy with their lifestyle. My main goal in life is to be happy. That does not include gaining wealth or achieving a list of goals. However it happens, if I am happy then I feel I am successful. On the other hand though, you cannot be happy all the time and there will be times with feelings of sadness or failure. But that's life :).
I understand what you mean when you say "there are so many different view points.. on everything." However, I disagree that these viewpoints are ones that you should listen to and use. People can advise you how to live your life (like I am doing now I guess). There are a lot of viewpoints because everyone has their own personal experience and thoughts on what life is developed from those experiences. But what is right? Well, whatever YOU think is right. Only YOU have control over your life, your brain, your body, your mind, your soul, etc. There is no "wrong" way to live. Something is only "bad" if you think it is. Are your disappointments bringing you down, or are you better off having high hopes and don't care if they don't work out? I think most people would find a happy medium that works for them. I used to have high hopes, mostly with my life plans, but then I learned what I mentioned above. It's not like I am a pessimist now, I just don't expect anything to happen the way I planned it to anymore, and it works for me. I have become more emotionally detached to people in the past few years because I have a tendency to be transient and I don't know where I will be in the next year, 6 months, or even 2 months. Only change if you think you need to, do what works and what makes you happy.
A lot of things are silly and made up. Like the importance put onto what isn't important at all. And the illusion of safety and permanence. You are right that they are distractions, they exist to distract so most people don't have to think deep thoughts and so that they don't have to face LIFE. Toys and media distract the mind from what is really important so people can go through life with ease and convenience and the assurance that nothing will change or disrupt their "life". I will tell you the meaning of life is not in "things". The suburban lifestyle is full of things, and this is why people in suburbia are shallow, selfish, and uncaring towards anyone else. They have those "things" to superficially fulfill their lives, to try and fill the void that may otherwise be filled with compassion, spirituality, and whatnot. I think if you know that "things" are keeping you from any type of actual and real fulfillment, then you need to try as hard as you can to let go. I think people in suburbia are the way they are with their "things" in a way you mentioned - material things give you a sense of safety, and perhaps even an addiction. You can control your yard, your SUV, your shopping, your TV, and it's nice to have that control. But it leads to a monotony and blinding of what really matters in life. You already know the difference, you know the possibility of more fulfillment if you expel the distractions of the American life. I think most Americans do not, they are ignorant or apathetic. So you have the chance and time to change. What lifestyle do you really want? Do you think you will be happy in 10, 20, 50 years with the "things" you think make you safe? When I was a kid I liked having things, from toys to dumb nick-knacks. Totally useless. Now I see useless clutter as an obligation, something that holds me down rather than helps me out (I actually get anxiety when I clean and I realize how much stuff I have, all the stuff I have to deal with at some point in the future). The same can be said about tasks, like you mentioned, not just material items. Obligations and errands lead to a schedule, like I Have to do these things and I don't have any free time, what would I do with free time, I need to fill it up with something to do. That is another source of superficial life security.
You are already missing out on the meaning of life! (Unless you meant by " i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life." as in you might miss it because of the attachment of things. I will interpret it as you will miss out if you let go of the "things"). NOTHING IS PERMANENT! I think that is a very important truth to life that only a few humans know and remember. Sure, you feel safe now. But there could be a fire in your home tomorrow. You could slip and fall and break a leg. There could be a stock market crash next week. The Yellowstone super volcano could blow in a month. That feeling of safety is temporary and a total illusion (and may be a result of our society, but I will leave that discussion alone for now). Anything can happen at any time to spin your life around, so like things, plans are not always permanent either. It would be stupid to live your life in fear, but it is very smart to not have expectations that everything will be safe and secure. Just be prepared for the unpredictable. I think it is okay and imperative to continue making and living through plans, but keep it in the back of your mind that it all can change, and don't be disappointed if/when they do.
"i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here." Me either. If people, especially at our age, have the answer to those questions then they don't know ANYTHING! Perhaps it takes a lifetime to have those questions answered. Perhaps they are never answered (I think it would be interesting to ask someone in their 90's if they have found the answers :).).
"or if there is even a why or a reason for anything." There very well may not be. Sometimes I get into "existential crisis" mode where I think that I do not matter, what I do does not matter, and therefore living does not matter because in 4.5 billion years the sun will run out of energy and that's pretty much it for life on earth. I see there is an end to everything, so why even bother? Reality is that unless we are part of that 0.0000001% of the population that does change the history of the earth in monumental ways, who we are and what we do will eventually burn out. But that's no reason to forgo your time on Earth. There is a reason and why for everything when viewed from the micro, your own life and self, as opposed to the macro, the world and the future of all time. The reason and why just might be a little bit of life experience or a little lesson learned, it might just be a bit of entertainment and may have no more meaning than what it means in the present.
A good plan could just be to live, to be open to whatever happens, and to at least learn from if not enjoy your experiences :). In time you'll figure most of it out.
June 12, 2008
6-12 7 PM
I haven't cried in a while, relatively speaking. It's been a month or so, I don't remember. Disappointment got to me a little while ago. Disappointment in plans falling through and disappointment in others. Tomorrow I was planning on attending a grad party in Kz for those who did not go the traditional high school route, and I contacted four people earlier in the week about carpooling. One cannot go due to work, and the others never got back to me. What got to me is that, thanks to sneaky Myspace letting you know when a message sent was read, is that the two who were likely going together read what I sent them a couple days yet didn't respond. Even if their car was full, it would have been considerate of them to let me know. And now I think they have already left. The thing is that I partly don't even want to go. This was before today... of course another plan was propositioned to me by an ex, he said he was planning on visiting the area and wanted to get together. At the same time as the grad party stuff fell through, he informs me that he doesn't have an available car. It was my fault for getting my hopes up that he would show up. Even though it is not directly his fault (for once), whenever we plan to get together it never works out. I haven't seen him in near 3 years. With most people I would have given up by now, but for some reason I have hopes that plans will work and I will see him.
So now it is likely that both plans will not go through, though I might still be able to catch a ride to Kz with someone. I'm a bit sick of these people though and have a bit of bitterness towards the ones who decided to be rude. I was planning on making some food for the party, now I don't even care. Part of that is because I hate doing any type of shopping, grocery shopping included. But I always make or bring food to these Kz parties, I would like others to provide for once. That may be a bit selfish of me, but it would be nice for others to return the favor once in a while. I feel taken advantage of. So if I end up going it is very possible that I won't have a very good time. It would depend on how a few of the others acted, I may not be up to dealing with them.
I was planning on being able to get some cannabis too, whether I get it in Kz since I have some owed to me, or have this friend bring some if he were to visit. I still might have a chance if someone around here can supply me. I intentionaally ran out earlier this week because I wanted to see how my meds were affecting me without the interference of the cannabis effect. I do not think I would be so sad if I had some available right now.
Add to it this on and off headache I have had since this afternoon. It is based right behind my left eye and is starting to radiate back across my head a bit. I think that tonight I might force myself to sleep with Ambien, if things do not change for the slightly better. I tried to last night with melatonin, it worked for a five hours but then I was up for a while afterwards. I do not think it works for me. But Ambien will knock me out, though I might be out of it tomorrow. I don't care much, it's an uncomfortable side effect but I would rather be forced out than stay awake to live consciously until I naturally fell asleep which may take a long time.
I did the muscle exercises my therapist suggested after I finished crying, and I did feel physically relaxed afterwards but it isn't a practical thing to do I feel when I am in the middle of an episode, no matter the level of intensity.
So now it is likely that both plans will not go through, though I might still be able to catch a ride to Kz with someone. I'm a bit sick of these people though and have a bit of bitterness towards the ones who decided to be rude. I was planning on making some food for the party, now I don't even care. Part of that is because I hate doing any type of shopping, grocery shopping included. But I always make or bring food to these Kz parties, I would like others to provide for once. That may be a bit selfish of me, but it would be nice for others to return the favor once in a while. I feel taken advantage of. So if I end up going it is very possible that I won't have a very good time. It would depend on how a few of the others acted, I may not be up to dealing with them.
I was planning on being able to get some cannabis too, whether I get it in Kz since I have some owed to me, or have this friend bring some if he were to visit. I still might have a chance if someone around here can supply me. I intentionaally ran out earlier this week because I wanted to see how my meds were affecting me without the interference of the cannabis effect. I do not think I would be so sad if I had some available right now.
Add to it this on and off headache I have had since this afternoon. It is based right behind my left eye and is starting to radiate back across my head a bit. I think that tonight I might force myself to sleep with Ambien, if things do not change for the slightly better. I tried to last night with melatonin, it worked for a five hours but then I was up for a while afterwards. I do not think it works for me. But Ambien will knock me out, though I might be out of it tomorrow. I don't care much, it's an uncomfortable side effect but I would rather be forced out than stay awake to live consciously until I naturally fell asleep which may take a long time.
I did the muscle exercises my therapist suggested after I finished crying, and I did feel physically relaxed afterwards but it isn't a practical thing to do I feel when I am in the middle of an episode, no matter the level of intensity.
Intro to Odelay Incognito
Welcome to Odelay Incognito
I did not stop updating and posting to this journal, though the frequency of my posts decreased. I would do mainly private posts, maybe once or twice a week. But even then I stopped posting on a somewhat regular basis. I have lost a lot of motivation to do many things I did often at the end of last year. I do not know the reason, it could be the medication I am on or that I have just lost interest. For the previous six years I felt compelled to chronicle the details of my day-to-day life. I thought it was important, that at some point in the future I would need to know what I did on March 15, 2003. (And just for fun, what did I do on that day... I competed in my region's Science Olympiad, high school level, and earned three medals out of my four events. It was a good day.) An online journal also had the benefit of being digital, it was easier and quicker for me to type than to hand write (I had actually kept a "paper journal" for a about year prior to switching over to the online journal). Finally, the fact that I could share my entries, and thus share my life, with people from friends to strangers was a very attractive practice. Why did I like having others read about my life so much? In the beginning those who read my entries were mainly friends, mostly from school. They could keep updated without actually having a face to face conversation about the event. Granted this was an internet fad, most of my peers' journals had been abandoned within a year or two. However, they were replaced by people I had met through various online outlets and thus I still had "friends" to read my updates and to comment on the happenings of my life. For the past 2-3 years, the majority of the people who read and commented on my journal entries were people I had met online. While I would never put them at the level of a friend I had known "in real life", I still became attached to them and developed a certain kind of modified relationship. The internet is the internet and it is for me no replacement for the real world. But these people were still real people, and we were involved in each others' lives to an extent, so a relationship still developed.
And this is where I made my mistake. I expected these people who were journal "friends" up to a few years to act in a way that 'real' friends may. When I developed my psycho-physiological condition in the final quarter of last year and posted about it frequently on my journal, I expected them to support me and offer words of sympathy, comfort, and at the very least to know they were aware of my situation and how difficult it was for me. I expected it, because that was what people who have a certain personal relationship do, whether it be "in real life" or online. The weeks went by, then a couple months. And I realized that my expectations were too high, or rather too optimistic perhaps. A couple people commented towards the beginning but then they stopped. One person commented on every post and then eventually began to send me daily e-mails to make sure I was alright. I was and still am very grateful for his concern and support. But no one else was there. I was going through one of the worst periods of my life and I felt abandoned. When I posted about something random and not very important, I could get multiple comments. But when I posted an entry where it was obvious I needed someone to say "I understand" or "I'm there for you", I got silence.
So that was it, I learned about these individuals' true nature and learned a lesson about internet relationships. I dumped the majority of them as I mentioned earlier. My journal was now mainly "me only" and I expected to write and post at least twice a week if not more (I had posted at least once daily before the dumping). That lasted a couple of months, until I did not post at all unless there was an especially important event, or I had a dream worth recording. I was okay with the drop off of post frequency, I did not have much happening in my life to record and so the feeling of the need to chronicle dropped off. (Oh, and along with the chronicle of daily life I would often post my thoughts on various socio-political happenings, not that I cared so much if others read them but more because it was a place to write and rant. I would also post dreams I had sometimes.) However, within the past month or so the desire, and perhaps need, to write in an online journal has come back. While I don't have a lot going on in the sense of a social or professional life, I do have a lot going on that should be recorded in regards to my mental health and therapy, and things I need to write to get out and let go so they are not trapped in my brain. Plus I need to write again. I like to write and I used to write often, but especially within the past 6 months I have done very little writing. It is good for mental exercise and perhaps I will become interested in writing poetry/fiction for fun again.
So here I am, with Odelay Incognito. I hope that by having this "blog" (I suppose this is literally a blog since it is on blogger, though I still see this more of a journal than a blog.) I will regain the benefits and abilities I lost when I stopped updating my first journal. However, I am going to do this differently. I do not want to have any personal relationships with anyone who may come across this journal. I want to have a high level of anonymity (thus the incognito), however if you come across this "blournal" and find interest in my posts then I welcome you to read them. I am not quite sure how this blog system works, but I suppose you can do a "friend" type deal much like my previous journal site. I will not be returning any friending, while I may find some blogs of interest and would like to read those, I am not interested in finding "friends" through this site and blournal. I learned from my past mistake. I also do not want those who may know me "in real life" to read this either, as I would like to keep posts public. So I will not be using my real name and will keep clues about my identity to a minimum. As I will be using this mainly for my personal benefit, there is no point in broadcasting major details. But I do think that some people may find what I have to say interesting. Perhaps not. So at times I may write like I am writing for an audience, like I was in my past journal (and maybe I am just an attention seeking egoic individual who wants people to read about her life, even though she states the contrary). I suppose I just need to make precautions so that those to whom I am already attached to do not read this and to prevent attachment to those I do not know yet.
I do not expect a lot of readership, but I do not know how the dynamics of Blogger go and how easily it is to find a random blog. Things will probably change over time. My expectations of this blournal are to write down important events or to get out in physical form things that would otherwise be bottled up in my head. I am going through therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, and I tend to forget things worth mentioning such as episodes or how my medication makes me feel. Starting Odelay Incognito may make me more inclined to actually record that which I really should be recording.
I suppose that is all for now, an intro to O.I. "Odelay" is of course an album by Beck, and one of the most influential/important albums of my life. I have recently listened to the album several times in a short period. I remember 10 years ago a reporter from MTV or VH1 asking Beck what "odelay" means. He did not give a definite answer and I believe that it can mean whatever you want it to. Looking for definitions online one would find that "odelay" is a Hispanic-Latino word or greeting (according to urban dictionary.com). But odelay is a word that has been in my mind for a couple months and has no real ownership or meaning, other than the title of the 1996 Beck album. And I described the reason of "incognito" already, the fact that I am not proclaiming as publicly who I am as I have before and as I do on other sites.
I hope this blournal may benefit you in some way, if only for entertainment or to get a sociological glimpse into my life as I may record it.
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