6-12 7 PM

I haven't cried in a while, relatively speaking. It's been a month or so, I don't remember. Disappointment got to me a little while ago. Disappointment in plans falling through and disappointment in others. Tomorrow I was planning on attending a grad party in Kz for those who did not go the traditional high school route, and I contacted four people earlier in the week about carpooling. One cannot go due to work, and the others never got back to me. What got to me is that, thanks to sneaky Myspace letting you know when a message sent was read, is that the two who were likely going together read what I sent them a couple days yet didn't respond. Even if their car was full, it would have been considerate of them to let me know. And now I think they have already left. The thing is that I partly don't even want to go. This was before today... of course another plan was propositioned to me by an ex, he said he was planning on visiting the area and wanted to get together. At the same time as the grad party stuff fell through, he informs me that he doesn't have an available car. It was my fault for getting my hopes up that he would show up. Even though it is not directly his fault (for once), whenever we plan to get together it never works out. I haven't seen him in near 3 years. With most people I would have given up by now, but for some reason I have hopes that plans will work and I will see him.

So now it is likely that both plans will not go through, though I might still be able to catch a ride to Kz with someone. I'm a bit sick of these people though and have a bit of bitterness towards the ones who decided to be rude. I was planning on making some food for the party, now I don't even care. Part of that is because I hate doing any type of shopping, grocery shopping included. But I always make or bring food to these Kz parties, I would like others to provide for once. That may be a bit selfish of me, but it would be nice for others to return the favor once in a while. I feel taken advantage of. So if I end up going it is very possible that I won't have a very good time. It would depend on how a few of the others acted, I may not be up to dealing with them.

I was planning on being able to get some cannabis too, whether I get it in Kz since I have some owed to me, or have this friend bring some if he were to visit. I still might have a chance if someone around here can supply me. I intentionaally ran out earlier this week because I wanted to see how my meds were affecting me without the interference of the cannabis effect. I do not think I would be so sad if I had some available right now.

Add to it this on and off headache I have had since this afternoon. It is based right behind my left eye and is starting to radiate back across my head a bit. I think that tonight I might force myself to sleep with Ambien, if things do not change for the slightly better. I tried to last night with melatonin, it worked for a five hours but then I was up for a while afterwards. I do not think it works for me. But Ambien will knock me out, though I might be out of it tomorrow. I don't care much, it's an uncomfortable side effect but I would rather be forced out than stay awake to live consciously until I naturally fell asleep which may take a long time.

I did the muscle exercises my therapist suggested after I finished crying, and I did feel physically relaxed afterwards but it isn't a practical thing to do I feel when I am in the middle of an episode, no matter the level of intensity.