Intro to Odelay Incognito

Welcome to Odelay Incognito

I had regularly updated an online journal for six years, starting in November of 2001.  Over these years I had developed a "friends list" of 100 or so people, ranging from friends I had known for a few years "in real life" to random internet people who for some reason wanted to know about my lie.  Late last year I developed a psycho-physiological condition that led me to re-evaluate the need and my use of such a personal chronicle of events.  I realized that the majority of these people do not really care what was happening in my life, and I had developed an attachment to them thinking they would.  I believe it was in December when I let go of a lot of baggage.  I "unfriended" all but 10 or so of these people and had a huge weight lifted off my chest.  While the way in which I did it was not really the way I should have, it happened and afterwards I felt like I didn't have the obligations of these fake relationships, and the hurt associated with the realization that they really did not are that much about me.  

I did not stop updating and posting to this journal, though the frequency of my posts decreased.  I would do mainly private posts, maybe once or twice a week.  But even then I stopped posting on a somewhat regular basis.  I have lost a lot of motivation to do many things I did often at the end of last year.  I do not know the reason, it could be the medication I am on or that I have just lost interest.  For the previous six years I felt compelled to chronicle the details of my day-to-day life.  I thought it was important, that at some point in the future I would need to know what I did on March 15, 2003.  (And just for fun, what did I do on that day... I competed in my region's Science Olympiad, high school level, and earned three medals out of my four events.  It was a good day.)  An online journal also had the benefit of being digital, it was easier and quicker for me to type than to hand write (I had actually kept a "paper journal" for a about year prior to switching over to the online journal).  Finally, the fact that I could share my entries, and thus share my life, with people from friends to strangers was a very attractive practice.  Why did I like having others read about my life so much?  In the beginning those who read my entries were mainly friends, mostly from school.  They could keep updated without actually having a face to face conversation about the event.  Granted this was an internet fad, most of my peers' journals had been abandoned within a year or two.  However, they were replaced by people I had met through various online outlets and thus I still had "friends" to read my updates and to comment on the happenings of my life.  For the past 2-3 years, the majority of the people who read and commented on my journal entries were people I had met online.  While I would never put them at the level of a friend I had known "in real life", I still became attached to them and developed a certain kind of modified relationship.  The internet is the internet and it is for me no replacement for the real world.  But these people were still real people, and we were involved in each others' lives to an extent, so a relationship still developed.    

And this is where I made my mistake.  I expected these people who were journal "friends" up to a few years to act in a way that 'real' friends may.  When I developed my psycho-physiological condition in the final quarter of last year and posted about it frequently on my journal, I expected them to support me and offer words of sympathy, comfort, and at the very least to know they were aware of my situation and how difficult it was for me.  I expected it, because that was what people who have a certain personal relationship do, whether it be "in real life" or online.  The weeks went by, then a couple months.  And I realized that my expectations were too high, or rather too optimistic perhaps.  A couple people commented towards the beginning but then they stopped.  One person commented on every post and then eventually began to send me daily e-mails to make sure I was alright.  I was and still am very grateful for his concern and support.  But no one else was there.  I was going through one of the worst periods of my life and I felt abandoned.  When I posted about something random and not very important, I could get multiple comments.  But when I posted an entry where it was obvious I needed someone to say "I understand" or "I'm there for you", I got silence.

So that was it, I learned about these individuals' true nature and learned a lesson about internet relationships.  I dumped the majority of them as I mentioned earlier.  My journal was now mainly "me only" and I expected to write and post at least twice a week if not more (I had posted at least once daily before the dumping).  That lasted a couple of months, until I did not post at all unless there was an especially important event, or I had a dream worth recording.  I was okay with the drop off of post frequency, I did not have much happening in my life to record and so the feeling of the need to chronicle dropped off.  (Oh, and along with the chronicle of daily life I would often post my thoughts on various socio-political happenings, not that I cared so much if others read them but more because it was a place to write and rant.  I would also post dreams I had sometimes.)  However, within the past month or so the desire, and perhaps need, to write in an online journal has come back.  While I don't have a lot going on in the sense of a social or professional life, I do have a lot going on that should be recorded in regards to my mental health and therapy, and things I need to write to get out and let go so they are not trapped in my brain.  Plus I need to write again.  I like to write and I used to write often, but especially within the past 6 months I have done very little writing.  It is good for mental exercise and perhaps I will become interested in writing poetry/fiction for fun again. 

So here I am, with Odelay Incognito.  I hope that by having this "blog" (I suppose this is literally a blog since it is on blogger, though I still see this more of a journal than a blog.) I will regain the benefits and abilities I lost when I stopped updating my first journal.  However, I am going to do this differently.  I do not want to have any personal relationships with anyone who may come across this journal.  I want to have a high level of  anonymity (thus the incognito), however if you come across this "blournal" and find interest in my posts then I welcome you to read them.  I am not quite sure how this blog system works, but I suppose you can do a "friend" type deal much like my previous journal site.  I will not be returning any friending, while I may find some blogs of interest and would like to read those, I am not interested in finding "friends" through this site and blournal.  I learned from my past mistake.  I also do not want those who may know me "in real life" to read this either, as I would like to keep posts public.  So I will not be using my real name and will keep clues about my identity to a minimum.  As I will be using this mainly for my personal benefit, there is no point in broadcasting major details.  But I do think that some people may find what I have to say interesting.  Perhaps not.  So at times I may write like I am writing for an audience, like I was in my past journal (and maybe I am just an attention seeking egoic individual who wants people to read about her life, even though she states the contrary).  I suppose I just need to make precautions so that those to whom I am already attached to do not read this and to prevent attachment to those I do not know yet. 

I do not expect a lot of readership, but I do not know how the dynamics of Blogger go and how easily it is to find a random blog.  Things will probably change over time.  My expectations of this blournal are to write down important events or to get out in physical form things that would otherwise be bottled up in my head.  I am going through therapy and seeing a psychiatrist, and I tend to forget things worth mentioning such as episodes or how my medication makes me feel.  Starting Odelay Incognito may make me more inclined to actually record that which I really should be recording.

I suppose that is all for now, an intro to O.I.  "Odelay" is of course an album by Beck, and one of the most influential/important albums of my life.  I have recently listened to the album several times in a short period.  I remember 10 years ago a reporter from MTV or VH1 asking Beck what "odelay" means.  He did not give a definite answer and I believe that it can mean whatever you want it to.  Looking for definitions online one would find that "odelay" is a Hispanic-Latino word or greeting (according to urban dictionary.com).  But odelay is a word that has been in my mind for a couple months and has no real ownership or meaning, other than the title of the 1996 Beck album.  And I described the reason of "incognito" already, the fact that I am not proclaiming as publicly who I am as I have before and as I do on other sites. 

I hope this blournal may benefit you in some way, if only for entertainment or to get a sociological glimpse into my life as I may record it.