What the &%!@#

About a week or so ago, I replied to a note posted by an acquaintance to Facebook. It was her thoughts on big life questions, something I have been milling over in my brain especially in the past 3 years.

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Her post:
it is so difficult just living life sometimes. and i don't mean that in pathetic, sad, depressing way. I just mean that sometimes its hard to know if you are doing it right. if you are heading in the right direction, taking advantage of all you should be.

if i am not my ego. if i am not my needs, or my wants, or how i talk, or how i dress... then who am i? sometimes i just feel lost inside myself.
like a stranger to myself. and if i am a stranger to myself, then does anyone know me?
and the deeper i look inside, the more lost i become.

another confusing thing;
there are so many different view points.. on everything.

this is one that particularly gets me.
some say it is good to be in tune with your emotions.. that you should experience them, and that is what it means to be human.

but others say, it is good to be detached. to not let your emotions carry you. to be practical. or maybe some would say, go with the flow. be easy going.

which is right?! they both sound right to me...

i am an incredibly passionate person. i wear my emotions right out there on my sleeve. and i just feel things so intensely sometimes.. love, anger, sadness, joy... i have incredibly idealistic thoughts, and often times this leads me only to disappointment.
so is that bad, should i lower my expectation for the world.. for those around me?

sometimes it feels as though no one cares.. but you know what? i think that assessment is often times correct. people don't care about you or your problems.. even your friends. they are all out dealing with there own lives.

and maybe none of this is bad. maybe its just life.
you know, the more i look at our world.. humanity, the more i evaluate it, the more everything just starts to sound completely silly and made up.
its maddening.
everything we know is just make believe.
but then there is love...
maybe the most curious thing of all...psychology tries to tell us that it is just a chemical reaction in the brain. but what do you think?

there are so many distractions around me all the time. distractions that keep me not only from the answers to these questions, but from the questions themselves. ( and there are so many questions i have. )
things that i "own." media. responsibilities. aimless everyday tasks that we amuse ourselves with. things that we think are necessary, that really just don't even matter.
these are the things that keep me trudging along without time to stop and question life, or why i am doing the things i am doing. or why any of us are...
but i am so afraid of letting these things go. and i know that i won't. i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life.
but at least i am safe where im at right now.
and i can fool myself into thinking that i know where i am going.
and there is a plan.

i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here.
or if there is even a why or a reason for anything.
but at least i have the illusion of a plan.

so i guess my main point of writing this was:
1. clear my head a little.
2. find out if anyone else ever feels this way? is anyone else feeling as confused as me?

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My response (had to be e-mailed to her, it went too long for any method of Facebook communication).

I can relate very much to your thoughts and confusion. You probably had a similar experience to me growing up, especially in high school, as far as expectations for the rest of your life. Go to high school, graduate, go to college, graduate, then either more school or get into a career you will have for the rest of your life, maybe have a family, work until 60 something and then you are free to have fun. It's like our life was already set before we turned 18. But then when we get to that stage and plans and expectations do not go the way they were supposed to, we are utterly lost! We are conditioned to expect our lives to go a certain way, but when does that ever happen? We don't know what to do when our locked in path takes a sudden turn, and we are left alone to figure it out since we were never taught about the truths of life.


I don't think anyone knows if what they are doing is "right" (if they did then they are probably pretty arrogant, or ignorant). But, when it comes to life I don't think there is a right or wrong way of living it. I have come to see life as one huge learning experience. You need to make mistakes so you don't repeat them again, you need to experiment to make those mistakes.


After I graduated HS, my plan was to go to Oakland U, live at home for a while to save money, major in biology, and then maybe go on for more degrees or go into a career. I quickly realized that going to OU was not what I wanted to do. But if that wasn't working out, what else could I do? I wasn't prepared for this situation since I had a plan. The next semester I left OU in mid-February and moved to Kentucky to live with a guy I met online. I made up lies because I was too afraid to tell my mother that I was unhappy at OU, I was unhappy with my plan. So then I had a new plan, live with this guy and go to school in KY... Well, moving in with him was a bad idea (as he was a bad person) and I ended up leaving 5 months later to come back. Of course moving in with a guy from the internet was not "doing it right", but if I hadn't had that experience I would not have gained all the knowledge I receive from going through it. I went through the cycle of making new plans and having them change over a few times since, each time was something new that I thought, at least hoped, would be the "right decision".


I have learned not to plan for anything. I finally realized, that at least for my life, that planning was futile because each time I tried to plan, the plan was broken by something out of my control. Most recently was that last summer I planned to go to MCC this year and get my associates. If everything went as planned I would be done with MCC and perhaps would be planning to get a bachelor's somewhere else. But a couple weeks into last fall semester, I developed seizures. I had to drop my classes and get a bunch of testing done. It was a huge bummer that that happened, my plans were once again broken.



Life is what it is...a collection of experiences one goes through over a forward moving period of time. There is no right or wrong really. The only way to know if you are doing something "right" is your level of happiness. I think that above all, happiness is the indicator of how "successful" you life is. Maybe you've heard of people who earn multiple degrees but end up being homeless, and are utterly happy with their lifestyle. My main goal in life is to be happy. That does not include gaining wealth or achieving a list of goals. However it happens, if I am happy then I feel I am successful. On the other hand though, you cannot be happy all the time and there will be times with feelings of sadness or failure. But that's life :).


I understand what you mean when you say "there are so many different view points.. on everything." However, I disagree that these viewpoints are ones that you should listen to and use. People can advise you how to live your life (like I am doing now I guess). There are a lot of viewpoints because everyone has their own personal experience and thoughts on what life is developed from those experiences. But what is right? Well, whatever YOU think is right. Only YOU have control over your life, your brain, your body, your mind, your soul, etc. There is no "wrong" way to live. Something is only "bad" if you think it is. Are your disappointments bringing you down, or are you better off having high hopes and don't care if they don't work out? I think most people would find a happy medium that works for them. I used to have high hopes, mostly with my life plans, but then I learned what I mentioned above. It's not like I am a pessimist now, I just don't expect anything to happen the way I planned it to anymore, and it works for me. I have become more emotionally detached to people in the past few years because I have a tendency to be transient and I don't know where I will be in the next year, 6 months, or even 2 months. Only change if you think you need to, do what works and what makes you happy.


A lot of things are silly and made up. Like the importance put onto what isn't important at all. And the illusion of safety and permanence. You are right that they are distractions, they exist to distract so most people don't have to think deep thoughts and so that they don't have to face LIFE. Toys and media distract the mind from what is really important so people can go through life with ease and convenience and the assurance that nothing will change or disrupt their "life". I will tell you the meaning of life is not in "things". The suburban lifestyle is full of things, and this is why people in suburbia are shallow, selfish, and uncaring towards anyone else. They have those "things" to superficially fulfill their lives, to try and fill the void that may otherwise be filled with compassion, spirituality, and whatnot. I think if you know that "things" are keeping you from any type of actual and real fulfillment, then you need to try as hard as you can to let go. I think people in suburbia are the way they are with their "things" in a way you mentioned - material things give you a sense of safety, and perhaps even an addiction. You can control your yard, your SUV, your shopping, your TV, and it's nice to have that control. But it leads to a monotony and blinding of what really matters in life. You already know the difference, you know the possibility of more fulfillment if you expel the distractions of the American life. I think most Americans do not, they are ignorant or apathetic. So you have the chance and time to change. What lifestyle do you really want? Do you think you will be happy in 10, 20, 50 years with the "things" you think make you safe? When I was a kid I liked having things, from toys to dumb nick-knacks. Totally useless. Now I see useless clutter as an obligation, something that holds me down rather than helps me out (I actually get anxiety when I clean and I realize how much stuff I have, all the stuff I have to deal with at some point in the future). The same can be said about tasks, like you mentioned, not just material items. Obligations and errands lead to a schedule, like I Have to do these things and I don't have any free time, what would I do with free time, I need to fill it up with something to do. That is another source of superficial life security.

You are already missing out on the meaning of life! (Unless you meant by " i won't let them go, because i am too afraid. and i might miss out on the meaning of life." as in you might miss it because of the attachment of things. I will interpret it as you will miss out if you let go of the "things"). NOTHING IS PERMANENT! I think that is a very important truth to life that only a few humans know and remember. Sure, you feel safe now. But there could be a fire in your home tomorrow. You could slip and fall and break a leg. There could be a stock market crash next week. The Yellowstone super volcano could blow in a month. That feeling of safety is temporary and a total illusion (and may be a result of our society, but I will leave that discussion alone for now). Anything can happen at any time to spin your life around, so like things, plans are not always permanent either. It would be stupid to live your life in fear, but it is very smart to not have expectations that everything will be safe and secure. Just be prepared for the unpredictable. I think it is okay and imperative to continue making and living through plans, but keep it in the back of your mind that it all can change, and don't be disappointed if/when they do.



"i may not know who the hell i am. or what is important. or why i am here." Me either. If people, especially at our age, have the answer to those questions then they don't know ANYTHING! Perhaps it takes a lifetime to have those questions answered. Perhaps they are never answered (I think it would be interesting to ask someone in their 90's if they have found the answers :).).

"or if there is even a why or a reason for anything." There very well may not be. Sometimes I get into "existential crisis" mode where I think that I do not matter, what I do does not matter, and therefore living does not matter because in 4.5 billion years the sun will run out of energy and that's pretty much it for life on earth. I see there is an end to everything, so why even bother? Reality is that unless we are part of that 0.0000001% of the population that does change the history of the earth in monumental ways, who we are and what we do will eventually burn out. But that's no reason to forgo your time on Earth. There is a reason and why for everything when viewed from the micro, your own life and self, as opposed to the macro, the world and the future of all time. The reason and why just might be a little bit of life experience or a little lesson learned, it might just be a bit of entertainment and may have no more meaning than what it means in the present.

A good plan could just be to live, to be open to whatever happens, and to at least learn from if not enjoy your experiences :). In time you'll figure most of it out.