Basic Needs

Jennifer, my therapist, gave me this "home work" to do for the next appointment. It's a list of 24 "basic needs" and she wants me to rate the ones that apply to me from 1-5; somewhat to most important. As with most things, there are exceptions and different situations where each basic need may have a different rating. I figured I would type out the exceptions to my "basic needs" (well, the basic needs on this sheet at least).

1. Physical safety and security: I do not feel this is a basic need of mine. Where I am at is one of the "safest" cities in the country based on whatever poll measures safety. I don't lock my car and growing up we didn't make a habit of locking the house door every night. My brother had his bike stolen a couple times when the garage door was up, that was the worst. I usually walk home from Chris' in the AM hours of the night alone. I'm not worried about physical safety at the moment, the only thing that would happen is an accident and shit happens. So I do feel threatened by such events. I am most worried about other humans harming me and I go through scenarios in my mind, usually when it is dark out and I am alone. But I remind myself that I am the thing that goes bump in the night...people are probably more fearful of me than I am of them.

2. Financial Security: I ranked this as a 1. I do not measure success in dollars but rather through happiness. However, I know that in order to really survive and thrive in this society, one must have money. Right now my situation makes it that I don't have to worry about bills, rent, insurance, etc. My middle class status is maintained by my mother and she is happy to provide for me I feel because she wants me around. I -could- live with her the rest of my life and have her provide for me, I am sure she would have no problem with that. I have a huge problem with that though. I don't want to be here, living in her house, but rather I have to until I am well enough to go to and stay in school or get a job. Even though I do not have to, I scrimp and save by using coupons and rarely buying anything extraneous. I put clothing into this category. I try to buy from thrift stores first, and this is where I buy my shirts. It is hard to find things my size otherwise though. Earlier in the summer I bought a pair of sandals and 2 pairs of shorts from a national retailer, and I expect them to last years. I felt very guilty when I did buy them (well, Mom paid for them). I always buy generic/store brand when possible and have lately started to clip/use coupons. Even though I don't have to, I find ways to save the most money. I didn't get my hair cut or trimmed for 2 years because I didn't think it was worth the $12 is costs at BoRics to get the job done. I think the last time I paid for a haircut was in late 2005.

3. Friendship: Ranked 2.5. It would be a 5 if friendship could stay at a level that didn't include drama. Like what I expereinced with Chris last week, bullshit doesn't make friendship worth it. I really need to see people once in a while though to be happy. Most of the people I might consider "friends" I really just hang out with once in a while. We don't get in deep with emotion or stupid drama, the relationship just doesn't develop that far. When I was a child, there were periods where I had few friends (like one) and I never had "lots" of friends. In the past year I went a month at a time a couple of times without socializing, and that made me really depressed (mainly because I wasn't doing anything else and it felt like I was abandoned by so-called friends when my seizures were at the worst). I am fine alone and I think the majority of the time I prefer it. Having a friendship with someone means expectations, and people oftentime disappoint me. So I keep my relationships light. Right now I have quite a few accquaintances. I would say this is the first time I have been part of a social "group", aside from perhaps in New Mexico. I do wish I had "friends with benefits". I do like to socialize with people I know and hang out, it does make me happy. So there's the 2.5, it's all in that.

4. The attention of others: I have not ranked this one, and I don't know if I should. I generally dislike people and try my hardest to avoid/ignore them when out in public. Of course 10 years ago that was very different, I wanted to be noticed by everyone. But as far as attention from people I have some sort of relationship with, that is a need of mine. Last autumn when the seizures started and were the worst, I recieved a small amount of attention. Way less than I expected. This attention I wanted was more in the way of support, but I was often ignored. This is when I realized that "online friends" were really not friends at all and purged all but a handful from LiveJournal. In settings with "real life friends", I would rather be an observer than a participant in most cases. I'm there, that's usually enough. In fact I feel awkward when a lot of attention is placed on me, I'm not used to it. I am indifferent to attention from family. Most of the time I want my mom to leave me alone, and I rarely talk to my siblings save for the week or so a year I might see them (I don't dislike them, we just don't talk). So I suppose in the situations where I need attention I really need it, but those occassions are very rare. Rank 1.5.

5. Being listened to: I grouped this with "the attention of others". I'm just not used to it, I have things to say but rarely am asked to say them so I keep it to myself. Or rather I say them to myself. When I have something to say it usually would benefit other people. I may or may not make the suggestion. If I do and the person or people don't listen to me, then I validate myself in knowing better and think them a fool. As for getting ideas out, I have outlets for that. I used LJ for people "listening" to me on a regular basis and that was quite effective. Things changed though, and now I have this blournal which may or may not be read by eyes other than mine. I am my own best listener. Last summer when I had 90's party 2, Paul and I were in the closet and he wanted to hear the stories about my mental hospitalization. I spent an hour + talking to him, and he was listening, and it was a really nice experience. It's nice to have someone listen to me but I never expect it. Now I have someone to listen to me for an hour every week, even if I have to pay her, but it's alright. I don't know the benefits of having someone listen to me, especially in personal matters. I feel that no one I know can really give me super-valuable advice, at least nothing better than I can give myself. While it is good to "get things out", I use this blournal medium for that. I don't think I need actual human interaction to fulfill the need of being listened to. I am rarely heard and this goes back to childhood, ESPECIALLY in childhood I was rarely listened to. So it's internalized or I shout in different ways - like cutting or overdosing. But that hasn't been much of an issue as of late.

6. Guidance: Not ranked and not given much thought. While tripping on LSD this past October I thought my life would be so much easier if I had a mentor. Someone to help guide me with my life decisions. But I'm not going to get that, maybe 300 years I would have. For a while I was LOST and confused, I really needed guidance from something abstract like life in general as far as giving me answers in what I should do for the rest of my life; major, career, etc. Though it might have been possible to get it from an actual person (definately not anyone in my family) and for a bit I found it through psychedelics in a way. Now I realize that time will give me the answers, and I really have to be my own guide. I did just rank it as a 0.5 on the sheet because I think guidance might be a reason why I befriend older people easily or want friends of different generations.

7. Respect
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8. Validation : Ranked together with a 1.5, I feel the two are almost one in the same for me. Respect is not something I really desire this point of my life. The people I want respect from I have, and I just want respect as a competent human being who has something to offer. If someone does not respect me, I see it more as an issue with them and not myself. I am not in any position where I have others "below" me (I hope I never am, except for maybe if I have children). I think most people respect me because I am intelligent and well-spoken, and I can certainly think for myself.
I know I need validation. My validation is mostly internal and arrogant, however. Like, it's an "I told you so" or "I knew better" type of thing that I keep in my mind. I need or have assumptions and thoughts validated more than myself and my actions. I don't think I am looking to please anyone other than myself. The only time I really want validartion from someone is when I paint them something, I need to know that they sincerely like it. I can't think of other ways I need to feel validated.

9. Expressing and sharing feelings: Very similar to #4 and 5, ranked at a one. I rarely express feelings to others and never really want to share them. I would rather hold it in because when I do share them, drama happens (like with Chris...). People don't like to hear negative thoughts about themselves from others, to me it's not even worth it to say when someone is acting in a way I feel objectionable. I think I am more prone to expressing feeling when I am alone, if I am sad or depressed enough and need to cry then I cry. If I am angry enough to break stuff, while not a good method, I do it. If someone were to ask how I felt, I would tell them. But no one ever does, and I either don't feel comfortable enough bringing it up or I feel it is self-centered.

10. Sense of belonging: Not ranked. I don't feel I need to "belong". Belong to what? A society I loathe? Maybe I need to feel that I belong on this earth to live out my life for some productive reason. I have family, I have some sort of social network. That's all I need for belongingness.

11. Nurturing: Not ranked, mainly because it is ambiguous. I have a need perhaps to be the nurturer, I like taking care of people and being hospitable. I am not in a situation where I would do that now. But if the nurturing is done onto me, I don't think I really have that need. It is nice to be taken care of when sick, that rarely happens to me and I can always take care of myself. That's a small answer though.

12. Physically touching and being touched: ranked 2.5. It was difficult for me moving back to Michigan and having no one to cuddle with (or at least have sex with). For months in NM I had that opportunity available to me, then it went to nothing. I had to settle for the cuddles of my cat, which was okay but not satisfying as if I were with a human. Three years ago I would rank this as a 5, however since I have been in a physical drought I have become used to not having that form of human affection. I still get urges to cuddle with people from time to time, but never act on it because I don't know how affectionate they are or if they would be comfortable with that. It is still a need but I can deal with not having it. Something that might be odd, is that I hate when my mom touches me. I never hug her, she hugs me and that doesn't happen too often. I don't know the last time I gave her a kiss was, and I feel physically uncomfortable if she touches me anywhere on my body and I don't know it until it happens.

13. Intimacy: Not ranked. I assume this means physical intimacy, mainly of a romantic kind. Since I have no one of romantic interest, and haven't had one in over a year, this does not apply to me. I would like to have an "intimate friendship", but no one I know of now is around me nor can have that type of level of friendship. Emotional intimacy? Forget about it. Like I mentioned above, I would rather aboid that in most friendships.

14. Sexual Expression: Not ranked. I suppose I have a need to sexually express myself at a basic, evolutionary level since I am an available female of childbearing age (presumably fertile). But I am not advertising that availability, and sex is not something I really need. I did go from having multiple partners and having sex everyday, sometimes by more than one partner, to sex every few months to no sex for about a year. When I get aroused I take care of it. My clothing seems to be bland and not sexually expressive, though I do wear tight shirts to compensate for the lack of bra. No makeup and hair that transcends gender roles... Nope, not expressing much.

15. Loyalty and trust: Not ranked. I beleive these not a need, but a necessity. I automatically give trust, and what a person does either continues the trust or negates it. The same goes for others' trust in me, I am a trustworthy person so there is no issue. I take pride in the fact that I don't tell secrets. I don't much care for gossip, which some friends of mine (especially the ones who live together) participate in frequently. I may ask someone about the status of another just so I can be "caught up". I am usually out of the loop with things. Loyalty seems kind of an antiquated value when talking about intrerpersonal relationships. People do not need to be loyal to me, I'm not going to be in situations or relationships where one needs to be loyal to me. I don't even really know what that would mean in a relationship so I looked up the definition and "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." came up which may be a relevant thing, but in the rare occassion someone does not hold up a plan for a "good" reason, I don't get upset. It just shows me the character of that person. I'm sure the people I have around me "got my back" if I ever need it. If they didn't, they wouldn't be my friends.

16. A sense of accomplishment: Ranked at 3. This is another need that is placed in the middle because for different reasons it is very high or very low. Up until recently, like the last year or so, I was very concerned with what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Especially with what I was going to major in. This is due to how I was raised, I had high expectations very early on and until I reached college I was motivated by success, it was really the most important thing. My life was based on accomplishments that it was already assumed I would make. I don't know if I categorize "accimplishment" differently or if I have realized that it's not so important that accomplishments become benchmarks of life. Now I generally go with the flow of life, I have goals but I do not have a time set for them to be accomplished. I do what I can when I can. Of course it is a morale boost when I do accomplish something. Smaller accomplishments are recognized more often, like when I do a particularly good painting or one for someone that they really like. I even feel accomplished when I have a good fossil hunt. I still have goals and I still have a need to accomplish them, but I'm not too concerned with when they are achieved.

17. A sense of progress towards goals: Not ranked. Partially for reasons I mentioned in #16 in that progress is made when progress is made. But mainly because I have learned not to plan for anything to go right or according to life schedule. I guess my ultimate goal is to be happy and to live out my life, and that happens each day that goes by that I am not suicidal (which is a rare occassion). Heck, my goals keep changing just as often as my life plans do. I had a goal to have my associate's at the end of spring '08 semester. But something out of control came up and I had to skip a whole academic year. Oh well, I'll finish school when I can. Having goals, I feel, is more important than the progress. Plus I really am a procrastinator, especially when it comes to mundane things. Every day I have goals (one might call them chores) than need to be accomplished, sometimes I do them and sometimes I don't. It does happen eventually, the process might just be prolonged a few months.

18. Feeling Competent or masterful in some area: Ranked 2. Perhaps this should be a higher ranking, but I don't have the need for it because I already feel competent in many areas and masterful in a few. Though "masterful" might be too high of a word. When I was younger I was pushed to be the best of the best. I never had any accelling talent, except for maybe my knowledge of animals. But nothing really practical at least. I at least was more than competent in my school work, until the last 2 years of high school. But I always had science, especially biology, to feel masterful in. I of course thought that academics, sports, music, art, etc. were the only areas one could be masterful in. I never thought that my compassion or caring nature could be considered a master trait. Over the past 5 years I realized that there are areas which I am "masterful" in that aren't so obvious, like finding fossils or working with young kids. Others might say I am masterful at the painting I do. I am competent in many areas, both academically and personality-wise. I know and am aware of this. Likewise, I still have a bit of adolescent thought in that I can always be better and it's not good enough unless it's the best. I may think a painting isn't so good even though others like it a lot. I generally try to suppress these thoughts, but they are common.

19. Making a Contribution: Ranked 5. This need is great, it is the only one I ranked with a 5. In the sense that affects me, I need to make a contribution on a worldly scale. Last summer I had a bad case of existential crisis, where I questioned "what does it all matter?" when eventually everything will be gone; Homo Sapiens will probably be extinct in a few million years if not replaced by the next evolution, civilization and the world as I know it will likely be eradicated in thousands of years by who knows what, the sun will burn out in 4.5 crisping earth in the process and even the universe won't last FOREVER. So what does it matter, why should I exist if it is all bound to end. I don't know how I got out of this, it may have been with my last suicide attempt this past December where I realized suicide was not meant to be my death (not then at least). But I figure, if I'm not here for myself I might as well be here for others. And hopefully I will make a better world and life for them through my own. If I'm not active in bettering society/the world/life in general then there really is no point to me being alive. My activism at the moment feels like a contribution in a way. I hope that what I do with my career greatly contributes something, and I plan for it to. Probably on this sheet, "making a contribution" means more like giving ideas to collective group decisions or something to do with interpersonal social matters. That really is not an issue for me as much. I can give suggestions and hope others think about it, but I don't really need to consciously contribute things all the time in relationships. I do that already.

20. Fun and Play: Ranked 4.5. If you can't have fun, what is the point? I still have a bit of child in me in that not everything is so serious and I still keep a bit of wonderment. I enjoy activities like flying kites which many adults do not think of participating in. While I don't necessarily play with imagination like a child, I can still get into a fairytale cartoon or play a video game and imagine being the character. I do watch cartoons on a regular basis, I enjoy both classics I grew up with and a few modern cartoons. I do enjoy playing with kids. I like to have fun as much as I can, even if it is sharing a funny anecdote about my cat with my mom. I certainly know the difference between immaturity and having fun. I can still be serious while being light hearted. I think a lot of people lose this perspective as they get older, they get out of touch with their childlike senses. It is really important to me though and it's all about attitude. There isn't a time I can think of where I couldn't have the fun and play outlook. Of course it comes and goes depending on the situation, if it is a serious matter then it goes away or if I am really depressed it hides too. But my normal personality always has a bit of fun in it.

21. Sense of Freedom, Independence: Ranked 4.

22. Creativity: Ranked 3

23. Spiritual Awareness - connection with a "higher power": Not ranked

24. Unconditional Love: Not ranked.