well, I tried to have a conversation...

I'm overreacting. Most likely. I called "best friend" (most people would describe my level of friendship with this person to be in the best level, however I don't like to categorize people like that. But I use it sometimes because I don't want to say "the person I have known the longest and have interacted with on a personal level") to ask a question and to get caught up. I really haven't talked to him in a couple weeks, since I last visited. I tried to have a conversation and it was one sided at best. I got a vibe from him that felt like annoyance, impatience, and irateness. I cut the call short, 3 minutes. I felt sad afterwards and cried a little. Which is really, really stupid. I think it's me. He's probably just being a jerk though, and not because he doesn't want to talk to me. He did call me back, after all. But it wasn't a pleasant experience and now I think there is some conspiracy against me by those folks and it makes me want to stay away from them for a while, in case they want me to. (maybe I don't feel appreciated?)

I hope therapy is not tearing down the emotional walls I have built up. I stopped feeling most emotions for a reason. I don't want to cry over something so dumb, I haven't for a couple of years. I don't want to feel anything over it, I just don't want to care at all.

I usually do not feel disappointment. Not in the way I felt it today. It was planned last night that I would hang out with Ron and Pau. Those fell through and I waited all day for them to possibly come back together. I was so hopeful which led me to being disappointed. It's a dumb thing to feel and I have developed a realistically practical pessimistic view to avoid it. Of course I may not have been so disappointed if I didn't have a crush on Ron. Feelings for, attractions, whatever...it really is a crush and I have not felt this way towards someone in several years. There hasn't been anyone around who was worth those emotions, plus I wanted to get away from that type of feeling because it is impractical to be optimistic about something that is so one sided. This has been a developing crush, for the past 2 months about. First it was a really nice psychological release, with the feelings and the butterflies and all that. I allowed myself to feel that because it had been a while and it was very pleasant. I thought that it would stop or go away, at least not develop any farther. I think I can read people pretty well but Ron is an exception. Plus I am not quite sure of his orientation...problems, problems, problems. I was so hopeful I would see him today and I did not. So I was disappointed, and I got my punishment for feeling something positive about the situation. I know better.

I might lay low for a while. Not that I was really social with these people but it was starting to pick up a bit within the past couple of weeks. I actually spent time with people without Chris being around too. But if they want to see me they can contact me, I'm not going to push anything.

I have the pleasure of hosting a couple dozen ants-with-wings in my bedroom. I saw one last week and then when I got back from my long weekend meeting trip, there were 20 or so of them dead on the ground. Today alone I have picked up just as many. Now I see ants with vestigial wings and tiny ones. All the do, if anything, is fly around a light. Mostly they are dead or in some process of breakdown on the floor. I have no idea where they come from. They don't bother me much. My mom's solution to the problem is to spray ant killer. Mine is to just pick the ants up when I see them. I don't want that chemical crap around me.

This evening I went for a long walk around the old neighborhood. I went to the Kroger which was the main grocery store when I was a kid, and is a common setting in my dreams. It wierded me out being there. The dream connection and whatnot. The layout of the store, like where things are located in the aisles, is a little off in my dreams so I went around and saw where everything was in the store in actuality. I rarely go to that store now, it creeeps me out a bit because of the childhood connection and the dream connection (both related).