why do I bother.

Posted the below to the talk list. When things start to look up again, I am brought down by stronger forces. I may not be able, no probablty not be able, to have sessions with my therapist anymore because I use cannabis and she isn't qualified to deal with patients who "use drugs". Very upsetting news. Right now I am calm and I have not had any seizure or panic symptoms yet. I guess Monday is the day when everything is decided. Right now I have many thoughts as to what I may do. None of them are self-harming but some are self-sabotaging.

Really, it's all a bunch of bullshit.

******

I just had a big pile of crap dumped on me because of my personal cannabis use. I put this as OT because it is a personal event and there is a lot of ranting, but it is very on topic since it is directly realted to my personal cannabis use and just another example of how policy against it is wrong.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since February and while I thought it might backfire on me, I told her that I use cannabis when she did the general background/medical history interview in the first session and asked me if I did any "drugs" (I was also asked about my caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco use but of course those aren't "drugs"). I figured it would be better to be truthful than lie and hide it. She gave me disapproving looks each time I would tell her my use hadn't changed and she would say stuff like "you don't need it now that you're on medication" (being pills....though she agreed that it was okay that I was using cannabis to control my spasms last autumn but only in lieu of pills). Oh yeah, I take on average a single hit from a pipe each day in the evening, usually before going to bed. If you know anything about amounts and smoking habits of people, then you would know that that isn't a whole lot. But of course she has no idea about cannabis and its uses, she just knows it as a drug. My use is recorded on just about every appointment sheet from her in my folder, whenever she asks I tell her nothing has changed because I see no point in changing an effective therapy. Since I need more than just a pill to get over my anxiety enough to have a somewhat normal productive life, I started to see a therapist about 2 months ago in the same office as my psychiatrist. Again, in the first session she asked me the standard questions and I told her I use cannabis on a regular basis. That was that, she never brought it up in any of my sessions since it wasn't an issue. So I have been seeing her as well for about 2 months and I feel progress is being made (I have anxiety that resulted in seizure-like panic attacks last autumn, since then I haven't been ble to attend classes more than a few weeks and forget about a job).

I get a call from my psychiatrist today saying that I cannot see my therapist anymore. Since my therapist is just starting out, fresh out of grad school or whatever, she does not have the accredidation or qualification or something to have patients who "use drugs", and since I use cannabis on a regular basis I fall into that category. This is the policy of the main psychiatrist who runs the office and I was NOT informed of this policy until this afternoon. Even though my psychiatrist knew of my use and it was in my folder, I was not informed of this "policy" and now it seems like I might have to stop seeing my therapist after 2 months of progress. It doesn't matter if I was a full out heroin addict or use cannabis in the amount that I do, and it wouldn't be an issue if I drank alcohol instead or if I was addicted to caffeine (well, as long as it wasn't interfering with my life in a negative way. But of course since Cannabis is illegal, it MUST be messing me up!).

I talked this over with my psychiatrist for about 15 minutes when she called to inform me of this policy and it seemed like the only option I had in order to keep seeing my therapist, she thought, was to stop using cannabis. I of course do not think I should, I know it helps me and I do not smoke for hedonistic reasons. I have been prescribed Xanax and Klonopin, and those pills affected me more like a drug than cannabis ever could. She didn't know if I had to take drug tests, but if I don't and I say I stopped smoking they would have no idea. Stupid, I could be lieing the whole time and things would be okay. How would they know? I really do not like the fact that I may have to lie about my cannabis use to appease them and the asinine policy. I shouldn't have to lie about anything, especially what I choose to put in my own body. But apparently maybe it is better to lie in some cases...

This "policy" is of course pure crap in itself, and even moreso is the fact that I was not made aware of it from the beginning. I do not think I will have a chance to appeal my case or the fact that I am progressing with my therapy has any merit against this "policy" (still while smoking, though I had about a month-long break up until yesterday and that is another thing, they assumed I still use the same without asking me first.). This event made me very upset, as I am sure any of you would be upset over too. If this was a general physician it wouldn't be so bad for me personally, it would still be an unreasonable policy and one I would not comply with. But the fact that this has to do with my mental health and anxiety, which has postponed any life goals I had for a year, and that I actually was working with a therapist I liked (hard to find a good one that you get along with) makes it especially hard. It is obvious these people have no idea what cannabis really is or what it does medically, and think it is equal to the real drugs that can in reality really mess up my health and life (prescription pills included, but those don't count since they are "legal" and given to me by medical professionals who have my best interests in mind...yeah right).

So I don't know what to do or what my options are really yet. It is not my therapist who made this rule up, but she has to obey it since she is practicing in this office. I hope I get my chance to appeal my case but I doubt it. It seems once again the patient has no say in their treatment. And even so, what could I say? I could bring up studies and numbers and statistics, but if this woman is so irrational to have this policy to begin with I do not think any fact could sway her. I could pretend to stop using if only they need that on paper, I will not do any drug tests because I feel them to be a huge invasion of privacy and in general a very unpleasant experience. If it's not for a direct medical test, I don't want to give my bodily fluids to anyone. And again, I wish I could easily just stop going to this practice because I think this policy against their patients is wrong but I do need to see this therapist unless I may face another 6 months of life postponement. On a personal level I feel defeated. I feel like I start to see some progress and another thing comes up to ruin it all. I am very upset and just the nature of the disappointment along with the unfair treatment might be enough for me to give up, to just not care anymore about getting better and getting treatment. School starts in a month and I was looking forward to a full schedule and maybe even finishing a semester without having a serious panic attack, now that simple goal is in jeopardy. I will get another call from someone at the office on Monday to talk it over more, so I guess I will see then what will happen.

Again, I wanted to share this story as an example of improper treatment by those of "authority" because of my personal use. I am ultimately being punished in this situation, just like if I were in legal trouble or if my medical issue was a serious physical/painful ailment. Intolerance comes from everywhere.