I cannot believe how out-of-date my laptop is. I have an iBookG4 purchased about this time in 2004. It's obsolete. So slow, 2 OS behind (running 3.9), and the keyboard is missing its "a" button. Not to mention all the letters except "Q", 80% of "Z", 40% of "X", and a sliver of "J". It's not so much a computer anymore, but simply an internet box. I'll have to live with it though for a while since I don't foresee having any of the money to buy a new MacBook in the near future.
Am I "hearing voices" if I have conversations with real people in my head? Like, I replay a random scenario that happened in the past with some person I've interacted with on some level in my life and change it around, or like I was in that situation having that conversation again. When I was a kid I would have interviews with people in the mirror. I would pretend I was some important, famous person having an interview with Diane Sawyer or Rosie O'Donnell. That is more childhood imagination, but it's a similar concept. I don't talk out loud now, it's all in my head. I suppose it's not abnormal if others do it. Reviewing real life situations mentally seems to be a normal process, some believe that is the purpose of dreaming. But I am having conversations with people in my head, though it's not with fake people and I usually stop when I realize I am doing it.
I've calmed down a bit over the whole therapist issue. But if I can't see J anymore, then I will not see anyone at least from that office. I don't need pills, though the Ativan seemed to be okay for daily use (and I can always sell it...I could call my shrink a drug dealer). I do not know about continuing therapy. It's a pain to find someone who you get along with (and who won't tell me I can't anymore have access to my therapy because I personally choose to activate my cannabinoid receptors in a small way). I think I may go camping in the Appalachians a littler earlier, then the fest, then maybe more camping. I kind of need to get away from the bullshit of life. I need a break, time to really be alone and relax for a bit. Also, I need time to contemplate my changed plan. The most extreme thing I think of doing is going far away, disconnect with everyone, and just see what happens. Maybe I die, maybe not. No outright suicidal thoughts though, and no stabbing though I held back mainly because come 2 weeks there would be no place for cuts to be covered and hid. I was way depressed yesterday but I am starting to not care as much.
July 26, 2008
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment