people who need people

I wish I could be your friend. I could get to know you, and we could develop a bond. Because you know, I searched for "mime relapse" and there you were! Then what? We'd become friends!
I am feeling the urge to 'get to know people' through internet means. Tonight I wanted to just talk to some random person. I used to do random person chatting a lot when I first got the net at 14. Well, I am feeling lonely and I know there are millions of people out there who I could interact with in some way. It's easy to make "friends" on the internet. It's all bullshit too. I have clicked on a few items in my profile to see who else out there shares it and I think, hey you're an interesting person. Maybe we could become e-friends! Or I have the urge to create another OkCupid account. I had one for a year or so and deleted my account because it wasn't that worthwhile to me anymore. But it's an easy outlet to possibly meet people. I am feeling lonely more today than normal. Perhaps because of yesterday, perhaps because I just spent a weekend socializing. I don't know. But I want to be around certain others, I am bored by myself. I don't want to push myself on anyone, I don't want them to feel obliged to my presence so I don't call. There are only 3 people I could possible hang out with anyway. Tomorrow I may try again.

I have not felt this way in a while. I pretty much let go of all social desires when I realized no one was really around for me. Sure, there are people I may talk to on a regular basis and may even see once in a while. But it's nothing to get depressed over. I didn't feel so lonely. I can't depend on people, not in the literal sense or this sense. So why am I breaking down? Is this an inadvertent result from my anxiety therapy? I hope it does not continue. I would much rather be anxious than depressed.

I long for a partner too, sexually or emotionally as well. But I have really, really let go of the notion that that will happen anytime soon. I want the physical connection. But I'll have to keep it to myself.

The ants are carpenter ants. I don't mind them sharing my space, they don't do anything. I just pick them up off the carpet and put them in a paper cup. Most are dead or in the process when I put them in the cup. I have a Polaroid photo of myself taken by someone I have known for a long time on her wedding day on top of the cup, so the ants that are still alive don't get out.

I went to the local thrift today to see if a cat scratching post was still there. It was not, however I did purchase a wall decoration that is about 3'x1'. I am not sure of the term, but it is made of different color tiny stones. The scene is a male pheasant (I think) and a female. I thought it was beautiful, and not bad for $5. The CD section had an uncharacteristically high selection of "good" albums. I bought 4, including Bjork's Post.

I will be alone in the house for a few days. I hope to get some more green within that span of time. I am apathetic to the 4th of July. If anything I greatly dislike the "holiday" and will not be celebrating it since it is not a priority in my life. Tonight we had constant rain so the fireworks were not present. The rest of the week will be noisy in suburbia, everyone needs to fire off three dollar pieces of crap in their driveway for some reason. I am alien to the "grillin' in the backyard-huge get together- party BBQ" lifestyle. Though I will admit I really like the typical spread one might find at white suburban 4th of July BBQ. Food is a weakness for me.