Idea...

Fall pours in, summer pours out.

big thinking

I'm having gender issues. Not sex issues, I am a biological female. But I don't -act- like a girl or woman in the way this society dictates. I don't identify with gender, I just am me. I wear "guy" clothes but that's because I like that style more. Well actually what I wear are pants and t-shirts. t-shirts all the time (and some sweaters in winter). But my pants are pants. I wear tighter t-shirts than I used to because they give me more support for my breasts (I don't wear a bra), not because I want people to take notice to them. I have a short hairstyle but that is purely for function, I was sick of the excess heat and sweat created by long hair. The mohawk, however, IS for style ha.

It wouldn't matter. I can be fine being just me and not even have to worry about masculine/feminine gender identity. But psycho-socially it's a problem. Because society needs you to have a sense of identification and a label. Even to be labeless is a label! So, what then. I don't really have a gender but I'm not androgenous really either. I just am. There are so many dimensions to this, it's so complicated. WHY does it have to be complicated? It's like an hierarchy of labels, people need 5 different terms to describe their exact sex/gender/orientation. I'm just a person with DNA that gives me breasts and a vagina, and presumably the capability to bear children. That doesn't give me the want or need to have any association with pointless societal standards. I have to deal with what's in my brain and what's in everyone else's brain which is heavily influenced by societal norms and standards. Now I don't really care about what others think of me, but I do feel still the societal pressure to have a label and "fit" somewhere, even if it's not fitting in. I ultimately don't want to care, I don't want to society to make me feel like I need to have a label. I suppose that is what I really need to work on, breaking my mind not against society and gender, but breaking the thought of the societal need to "be" something.

Another problem is that many people don't know/recognize the difference between sex and gender. Like in the profile here, I have to pick my gender. Well then I have to chose "not specified" since I don't associate with male/female gender roles however I am sexually female. This is the type of situation I have issues with.

I suppose if the question ever comes up, I will just say I have no gender. And not simply androgenous since that seems to be the lack of gender. I'm just me, however I want to look and dress and act. It doesn't...I don't...have to conform to any label. I suppose many people won't understand that but I really don't think it will come up. It's just something I needed to sort out in my head.

socialization again

Yesterday showed me how pointless friendships are. Or rather how pointless it is to try and socialize with people who could be considered "friends". I would say that maybe it's just me and maybe it was just that one incident. 7 of us met up at a local eatery last night. Odd numbers sometimes make an odd person out, and that was me. I'm fine with not being a part of a conversation, just listening and observing. But even when I tried to make a comment I was ignored. I must've said 3 things that no one else even heard. What is the point of me even being around if they're not going to enjoy my company? It really hurts. How one person's personality in particular has changed over the past year really gets to me. I suppose he could be considered, well at one point at least, my "best" friend. But he's become so arrogant and self absorbed, hypocritical and selfish that I don't even care if I spend time with him. It's slightly unpleasant to be around him now. If I or someone else (because others see it too) were to even bring it up he would deny and defend. So again, what's the point?

I don't like being ignored, though I'm used to it enough. No one likes to be ignored. So what, I spend time with people I see once a month or so and I might as well not even be there. They use my car, they use my weed (which I am happy to offer up) but they don't seem to want to think of me any other time or much when I am there. I don't get the social payback I am subconsciously looking for while I keep giving. Maybe that is why others are selfish, they have this social experience where they know they can't just keep giving and now they want others to give to them. I'm starting to know when to say no and the specific people not to be too generous to. I hate being this way but I've been burned too many times. I'm not going to go out of my way for someone who won't appreciate it, I shouldn't have to. No one really goes out of their way for me...

I think the malfunction is in my mind. Maybe it's all me and just how I perceive the situations and interactions. In which case I am just as bad as them. I rarely call anyone to hang out because they never call me. I give people a short time span, a couple months, after they have done some social transgression before I am done with them. I can't keep being the one that tries, there has to be complete 50/50 in the relationship or it's not worth it to me. Saying these things makes me feel like the "bad" person here, but I think it's reasonable to want an equal give and take from relationships with other people.

But it's experiences like I had yesterday that make me want to spend time with others even less. There was a point later in the evening, 9 or so, where I felt I had enough socialization and was ready to go back to my house to be alone. I don't know if any of them would really understand that concept. Most of them would rather have someone around or be doing something than be alone.

I have already made the definite decision that I am leaving this area of Michigan sometime next summer. I am thinking I would like to go back to New Mexico and there is no reason as far as relationships go that would keep me here. I wouldn't "miss" anyone if I left the state. If I see them once a year rather than once a month, the quality of the time spent together would be immensely more anyway.

It still hurts, though.

socialization

I have actually been writing in my public journal a bit recently. I have a reader who leaves comments now maybe. Perhaps someone who is sincere.

School is going on. That's my main focus, I've kind of made myself not have my mind on other activities, like the activism group and what not. Focus on school, maybe I won't have too heavy anxiety.

I am really quite insocial (made up term). Being around people don't bring me enjoyment really, it feels quite lame and I am not impressed by them at all. These are people in my "social group" who I've known for a while and have enjoyed their company before. I know it's an internal thing, though it is their emerging personality behaviors that are getting to me...

Well I wanted to type more on the subject and think somethings through but I am very tired. Maybe later.

Laking wife

Apparently in dreams when you try to turn a light on via wall switch, it won't work. This morning I had a dream with the same predicament, but smart me I realized the dimmer slider was to off, I slid it up and the light came on.

No more rectal bleeding, that I am aware of at least. I am almost to normal but I still can't eat something like a meal without getting stomach pain. Also I had a good amount of gas in my gut last night and it seemed to get to my colon and then stop, I couldn't pass it (but I could burp, and I woke up several hours later and it finally was all let go).

Day one of classes. Soc and early childhood. I am really not sure about early childhood since I have to do some projects where I have to observe kids, and I may not be able to do one since I don't know any kids around here. The workload the prof has for us seems unreasonable especially since it is a community college and most people also have jobs. I became dizzy and out of it in that class, I think it's the flourescent lighting. I can't focus on things for too long. Plus I didn't have much to eat beforehand.

Well the last two semesters I got to 3-4 weeks and then the panic attack happened. I am optimistic now, but I won't call it a success until I complete the classes.

Somewhere in my colon there is a spot that is bleeding. Every hour or so I go to the bathroom and that blood comes out.

It is disturbing when mucous and blood comes out of your rectum. Apparently I have to wait a week before the doctor I saw today recommends me going to a colon specialist.

I can't sit up for long, the pressure on my lower abdomen becomes too much and I get pain. Classes start Wednesday, oh joy.

LTE printed

I just found out a little bit ago that the LTE about my "communist bastard" experience was printed. One of the teachers my mom works for heard about it from her mother who read the LTE, and that is how I found out about it. I assumed I would have been notified if it went to press, but oh well. So I missed seeing it in print but at least I know it was printed! I am not sure which paper it was in, I sent it to the county paper and the more local paper. I am curious to know how edited it was as well. I hope it got the point across.

Overall I am happy it got printed. My hope of hopes is that the jerk read it, and might feel a sense of shame.

BFC report 1

I promised a con report for BFC but I only got to Friday night. The B F stands for "bare fur"...nudist furries!

********************


I arrived on Thursday in the early evening, being the first. After going to the wrong door, I met Jeff and Renee. It was a little awkward with them being naked, but it was also awkward because I didn't have much of an idea of what they looked like before actually meeting them. I went in to use the bathroom and took most of my clothes off then, I wanted to take a shower first before I was completely naked. I did that a little after I arrived and we chatted until Odie arrived. Renee and Jeff began to make dinner, the awesome manicotti, while Odie and I watched. Dinner was really nice, we all sat at the table to eat and chat some more. Afterwards we just hung out, waiting for the arrival of Kenari and Tyke. Bijou, Jerrell and Renee's cat, made a rare appearance and I tried to play with her some, she mostly feigned interest. Kenari and Tyke finally arrived late in the evening and they spent times getting settled in and we all got caught up on their adventure getting up there.

Friday morning started off with buckwheat pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs prepared by the tigress and racooon. Once again we ate together at the dining room table and had nice conversation, getting to know each other and whatnot. Avalon Fest did not start until 2:30 or so that afternoon, so we had time to first go down there and reserve our spaces with setting up our chairs and also do some meet activities. Back at homebase, we had fun with bubbles on the "balcony" (:P). We had a large wand and a few smaller wands and had a good time making, watching, and of course popping the bubbles. Next we went out to the front of the house to do chalk drawings with those huge "sidewalk" chalk sticks on the porch. Jerrell did a nice mountain scene, Tyke did a self portrait, I did an abstract type piece, and Renee drew a cute tiger. By this point I was getting warm, and bad me I hadn't put on any sunscreen yet. I went inside to block up and by the time I was done doing that, everyone else had come in. We hung around and prepared for AF, getting food and towels and things together. We went down to Avalon a littler early and got situated. This was the only part of the weekend where it rained. It wasn't much, just a sprinkle, and it didn't last long either. If anything struck me as odd during AF it was this: just about everyone headed for shelter when it began to rain. I thought it was kind of funny, since there were no clothes to get wet...there was a bit of a chilly breeze and true towels could get wet, but I still thoguht it to be funny. I was glad it rained and was hoping that at some point there would be a little downpour so I could run around in it. Well, I stayed out and Tyke stayed with me nd I think just about everyone else went under the food tent to stay dry. But that was all for the rain, which was very fortunate for the festival since they had to cover up the sound equipment, and that would have put a "damper" on the performances. (Okay, I got my pun out of the way...). I beleive it became sunny and warm again fairly quickly.

I watched a couple of the bands and also watched the audience, just getting a sense of the other type of people who were attending and getting used to the surroundings. As well as my first nudist event, this was my first music fest. Jack Williams was first and he was great. I especially liked the story and song about his mother. Next was Stephanie Corby and she definately saved the best for last, really belting it out on the last song. The AF songwriters' contest was next. I was getting warm though and used this time to go for a swim in the indoor pool. It was very nice to cool off and splash around a little. There were ample fun noodles to use as well. Eventually everyone else joined me, some going into the hot tub for a soak. After a time in the pool, I went into the hot tub as well. There was a guy in there asking everyone's story and telling us about his...when he asked me why I hot into nudism or some thing similar, I was saved by the person in charge of videotaping AF asking if we were okay with being filmed in the tub. So we were being filmed for about 5 minutes or so, it was difficult to not look at the camera since it was right there. When he was done with that, I went back into the pool to cool down from the hot tub (I like the tubs since they are soothing, but do get me overheated a little) and swam/noodled with Tyke for a little bit. When I was done swimming I went out in time to catch about half of Ricochet's set, a 4 piece "redneck" a cappella group who sang some funny songs. By the end of their set it was dinner time, and we went to the Avalon fieldhouse to eat their catered buffet. It was not spectacular. Apparently in years past with Avalon's own cook it was a quality biffet, but this year was disappointing. It was -okay-, but I expected more. We all sat at a table towards the back and were fortunate to get some entertainment as we were letting our food settle from the members of Ricochet who happened to sit at the table next to us. Back at our seats we got ready for the evening, which included applying bug spray. There weren't too many other people back from dinner yet but there was one woman who felt the need to tell us that bug spray was nothing but poison and to not spray it by her or anyone else. She gave us her life story about how she's allergic to all these chemicals and how the world is being poisoned...yet apparently second hand cigarette smoke isn't poison because she was sitting with a person who must've smoked 5 cigarettes in the following 2 hours. Just another interesting character (like the ones with the ears :P.). Friday night at the fest might be my favorite time. The band that was scheduled to play could not make it, so Tempest filled in. The lead singer looked like he came from the heavy metal textbook yet they also had a member in a utilikilt playing an electric violin. They were on the more heavy electric side, but they played an ecclectic mix of songs, some with a more traditional European folk tune (oh yeah, and what was that instrument the lead played...a double neck electric mandolin?). The energy was awesome, from the band and from the audience. Everyone was getting into it, clapping and some eventually getting up and dancing with the band. When they were initially done with their set the audience called for an encore, and Tempest obliged. It was a whole lot of fun listening to them and it seems like they had a lot of fun playing for us. Back at homebase, Jarrell set up his mega-scope (I don't know the name of the model, but it was a rather large telescope) for a bit of stargazing. He set the scope on Jupiter and we could actually see 4 of the moons and one of the planet's stripes. It was nice being able to see a clear sky, especially since all the rest of us live in more urban areas with bad light pollution. Friday night was when I made my "specialty", puppy chow. With some help from the skunk, I made two batches and it was immediately a hit. Since it was also the night of the Olympics opening ceremony, we settled onto our towels and enjoyed the ceremony. Then it was off to bed.

Depression. It's dread in my chest. I'm not interested in eating much, I don't want to see anyone and I don't want anyone to see me. Being outside is uncomfortable. I'm fatigued as well. I think I've given up on hope for the moment. A week until my first class, not sure about that anymore. Usually when depression is up, anxiety is down. Not really in this instance. That dread in my chest is a physical manifestation of my anxiety. So I have both quite strongly. I feel out of it with a faint headache behind my right eye.

This is the first time with bad depression that I didn't have the want to die. After my attempt in December it's not something I desire anymore. So I guess I am in a state of apathy. Sometimes desperation. I may be making my own world.

I started a painting last night that I am proud of based on The Bear That Wasn't. I drew him out decently, painted him mostly, and that's where I got.

floundering in suburbia

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I am high on Ambien right now. Bascially.

I've had that pain behind/in my left eye for a few hours. It's migraine strength so after I tried sleeping for a while, I took an AMbien. But it isn't strong enough to make me sleep. So I'm in this mid zone. If someone could extract the feel good almost trippy aspect of Ambien from the makes you sleep part, that would be a nice drug. Ir find a way to counter the sleep effect with something else, a stimulant? but not affect the other effects.

I might need to take 2 though. If I don't fall asleep soon, that is.

I think this would be the closest to "drunk blogging" I'd ever get. I'm blournaling while somewhat under the effects of Ambien WOOOOOOHOOOOOO

1111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Craaaaaaaaaazy!!!!! Let me do dumb things so you know it's for real!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This chick's current Facebook Status reads somnething like "Annie Bla Bla is DRUNK!!!!"

She is all caps and four exclamation points drunk. That's about as drunk as I get.

I'm not gonna lie, this feels good at 3 AM. Being on a pill that makes you fall asleep is worth staying up for.





I smell bacon.

"just imagine them in your underwear"

For some reason when I was typing out the title, I wrote "your" instead of "their". I thought that was funny, so I kept it as is.

I was just thinking of one performer at AF who mentioned the old saying about public speaking...just imagine everyone in their underware...and how his audience was naked. I don't think it made it that much easier. (But hopefully a little more fun.)

I've been a little depressed this past week. Made a dental appointment for The cat. Need to make an appointment for myself, but I'm not exactly sure how to go about making an appointment for one of 10 possible people at a therapist practice that I found online.

School starts in 11 days. Crap. I am going to drop a class, and I think it will be sociology. The possibility of interactive/group work is higher in a class like that. I signed up for it mainly because I already had the book. I do have people to sign up for classes with though, so I'll have to keep that in mind for next semester.

I do have a sense of failure though. Like, I'm setting myself up for it. That is bad thinking, I can't be negative about this because that increases my chance of failing.

I'm opening up an art site to sell paintings through. I don't know how successful it will be, but I need to make some extra cash to pay for the BFC debt. I did 1+.85+.20 paintings last night. One that is most likely completed, one that was almost completed, and one that I got a lot done but still have a ways to go. I also sketched a bit last night. I was at it for a couple hours and wanted to do one of me from a picture, but it got to a point rather abruptly where I was sick of it. Drawing seems too much of a process for me.

I visited an old friend today. I haven't seen him in...almost 2 years? But we've still talked. I just had an anxiety about visiting him for some reason. I thought that we did not have enough in common anymore. Well it went fine today, but I got dizzy about in the middle of my visit. I sat in close range to him and looked at him talk the whole time, and it felt like it did when I was in class. I think focusing on something that may be visual/verbal like that for extended periods of time might be the trigger. I also developed a headache soon afterwards (my visit was about 2 hours), and it is located behind/in my lifet eye. Yeah, I still have it. Eating helped a little but it came back. This is not good, especially if this happens in class.

Commie Bastard!

This is the long version of an LTE I wrote about the incident on Monday when almost home from my trip. I sent it to 2 local papers along with an abridged version. I felt I needed to do this to get some closure on the situation. I hope it gets printed but I expect it not to.

********

Hello fellow citizens, my name is Becky and I am 23 years old. I grew up in S.H. and have lived all but 2 years within the city. The following happened on Monday the 11th. This is the first time I have experienced such a confrontation, and I feel I need to share it with my fellow citizens.

I just spent the past week in the Appalachian Mountains for a final summer road trip. It went splendidly until I got an unwanted “welcome back” in my home town. I was in the vicinity of M and * Rd. when a sporty little silver car with a McCain sticker on the bumper passed in front of me. Nothing unusual, until the driver of the car stuck his arm out the window and gave me a big thumbs down sign for about half a minute.

I knew what it was about and it had to do with that McCain sticker. Or, rather, it had to do with a very rude and ignorant person who immaturely felt the need to disagree with my political leaning. See, I have the tailgate of my Ford Ranger covered with stickers. Most are fun things with no meaning really, though if you saw it you would guess I was more of a liberal leaning person (and I am). I only have one sticker that is for any type of politically related cause, otherwise I have one that promotes the “coexist”ence of fellow cultures and my pledge to the planet. I have no stickers for any political candidate or party.

It did not end there, however. Maybe I should have let it be, but emotion got to the best of me and I went up beside this person, who seemed to be around my age, and rolled down my window. I informed him that “This was America, it’s called freedom of speech...” While I do realize and agree that my freedom to have messages of tolerance and the need to “hang up and drive” on my tail gate is the same as his freedom to give me a thumbs down, he took his freedom a little too far. In response to what I told him, he called me a “Communist b--”... well, let’s just say it wasn’t very friendly. And then he zipped off.

Seriously? Did that really happen? I just traveled near 1000 miles round trip and this is what I get when I come back to S. H.? I was in no way personally offended, but rather perplexed and in shock that someone in 2008 would say such a thing and be so outright rude to another person. Politics aside, I thought we as a society were beyond immature name calling and the forgetfulness of the fact that America IS a Democracy on which a basis is the freedom to have opposing views. We have the right to have those views and to share them through various venues (bumper stickers included). Freedom of speech guarantees that, and is one right America prides itself with having. But apparently we all still don’t have the right to be respected by fellow citizens. Intolerance still exists, through acts like the one I encountered and much worse. And I wonder, when will it stop?

I wanted to post this before my trip, but I ran out of time. This is the entry I posted to B_F before leaving about my anxieties of the upcoming new social experiences. A first furry and nudist event all in one....

***********

BFC next weekend will be two firsts for me - it will be my first time attending a furry gathering, and my first time being nude in public/going to a nudist resort.

I have been active to some degree in the fandom for about three years, but I have only hung out with other furries on a one-on-one basis twice. I live in Michigan and there is a decent furry community here with meets every month, but I never attended mainly because I have social anxiety and that prevented me from feeling comfortable in a situation like a furmeet (there can be 30 people at a MI meet). And forget about a hotel convention... I think BFC will be a good first furry event for me, there won't be masses of strangers and a feeling of being socially overwhelmed. There are secondary reasons why I have not attended a local meet, mainly drama related and just stupid things that I want to avoid getting involved with (like a meet being dominated by so-and-so being here when no one "likes" them, or what someone is doing, etc). I don't get that vibe with the furs through this community. This is pretty much the only online furry community/forum I am active in, it seems to be a "drama free zone". So I am looking forward to hanging out with some cool furs on a more intimate level than I would get at a large local meet or hotel convention, and I think that is a good thing.

Now, being nude in public for the first time... I have been clothes free mainly in my own home or with people I had a very close relationship with. I don't have a problem with myself being nude but moreso how I will act around others who are nude, until I get used to it. I am unfamiliar with any etiquette there may be, and maybe there isn't any. But I will be very self conscious with how I act and how others pick up on it. An example is that I may be trying too hard to look at someone's face to avoid looking elsewhere at their body, and it might be obvious that I am trying rather than just being natural. One thing I like about nudism is the chance to see many different body shapes and all the genetic variability I can't see while people are wearing clothes. I find it interesting all the different body types people have, so I might without realizing it look at someone's body and if they notice it (like if I am in a conversation or close proximity to them), I don't want them to think I am looking at their body in a rude way.

I guess since this is a new social situation for me, I will wonder if I am acting in the appropriate way (also coupled with meeting new people). I think I will let go of the social worries after getting to know the fellow attendees. Just know that I might be awkward for a bit, and seem reserved. It takes some time for me to get comfortable when meeting new people.

I am anticipating being around so many natural people will boost my bodily self-acceptance a bit. There is the Hollywood and media-mold body which everyone is exposed to all the time, and it almost seems like that is the norm body type. And of course it is the "ideal" type. But then there is the body everyone else has, with its lumps and irregularities. I think if I see a bunch of people who are as irregular as I am, it would make me feel more normal. The bodily flaws I am most self-conscious about are the scars left on my back from "bacne" outbreaks, and stretch mark scars I have all over from when I was a (very overweight) child. Since I can never see if others have the same or similar flaws, I feel abnormal or ugly because I have those scars. I know though that everyone has some sort of defect and that it's not abnormal...but I never see it so I can't accept my own irregularities. I hope that made sense.

Another concern I have with being outside nude in public for the first time is sunburn. I have been naked in the sun before, once...but I can say that other than that one time there are parts of my body that have never been exposed to the sun. Of course I will be lathered in sunblock but I still have worries. I have this cute dress type thing that is sheer (I think it is a swimsuit cover up) that I will probably put on if I feel a burn in the making. I burn easily in general too...blah. It might be a bit of a bummer if I have to cover up. But I know I have to do what I have to do so I don't get burned.

While I have these concerns, I think they are minimal and will go away soon after I arrive at BFC central. I am most anxious about the drive, mainly getting a flat tire on the interstate and dealing with that. But I am expecting to have a wonderful time with fellow bare furs :D.

Well, it finally happened...I was called a "Communist Bastard" by a random conservative while driving. Yep, even in 2008 one can still be a commie bastard.

So much has happened and I neglected to update, however I was away from the first to this eveing. Away from the internet and suburban hell holes, and even clothing for a portion of it.

More later I suppose.

I think tomorrow I will tell whomever calls me from the shrink bay that I will go seek therapy elsewhere. I really don't want to deal with anyone at that practice anymore.

Theo has a vet appointment tomorrow as well. He is very overdue for his shots. Taking him to the vet is a difficult event, and I have been avoiding it. It makes him very anxious which makes me anxious, but it has to be done I suppose.

I had extreme pain in my upper left eyeball for over 12 hours from last night into today. It seems to be gone now. I'm having an "out of it" type of day.

C'mon, internet box!

I cannot believe how out-of-date my laptop is. I have an iBookG4 purchased about this time in 2004. It's obsolete. So slow, 2 OS behind (running 3.9), and the keyboard is missing its "a" button. Not to mention all the letters except "Q", 80% of "Z", 40% of "X", and a sliver of "J". It's not so much a computer anymore, but simply an internet box. I'll have to live with it though for a while since I don't foresee having any of the money to buy a new MacBook in the near future.

Am I "hearing voices" if I have conversations with real people in my head? Like, I replay a random scenario that happened in the past with some person I've interacted with on some level in my life and change it around, or like I was in that situation having that conversation again. When I was a kid I would have interviews with people in the mirror. I would pretend I was some important, famous person having an interview with Diane Sawyer or Rosie O'Donnell. That is more childhood imagination, but it's a similar concept. I don't talk out loud now, it's all in my head. I suppose it's not abnormal if others do it. Reviewing real life situations mentally seems to be a normal process, some believe that is the purpose of dreaming. But I am having conversations with people in my head, though it's not with fake people and I usually stop when I realize I am doing it.

I've calmed down a bit over the whole therapist issue. But if I can't see J anymore, then I will not see anyone at least from that office. I don't need pills, though the Ativan seemed to be okay for daily use (and I can always sell it...I could call my shrink a drug dealer). I do not know about continuing therapy. It's a pain to find someone who you get along with (and who won't tell me I can't anymore have access to my therapy because I personally choose to activate my cannabinoid receptors in a small way). I think I may go camping in the Appalachians a littler earlier, then the fest, then maybe more camping. I kind of need to get away from the bullshit of life. I need a break, time to really be alone and relax for a bit. Also, I need time to contemplate my changed plan. The most extreme thing I think of doing is going far away, disconnect with everyone, and just see what happens. Maybe I die, maybe not. No outright suicidal thoughts though, and no stabbing though I held back mainly because come 2 weeks there would be no place for cuts to be covered and hid. I was way depressed yesterday but I am starting to not care as much.

I neglected to mention the sex...

This is an internet chat conversation with Colette about a dream I had a few nights ago that involved her. I did remember a sexual type dream I had earlier in the week that involved her, but I feel uncomfortable telling people that I've had a sex dream with them even though it's not about the sex in the dream. Maybe it is, but I think it's symbolism for something else. I also had a sex dream with Chris last week, but in real life sex with him would be impossible and I think my subconscious would know that...


2:08 AM | i wanted to tell you that i have had a couple dreams with you in them the past few days

12:08 AM | Wow.

12:08 AM | it feels like more than 1 but it could just be the one

12:08 AM | Did I kill anybody?

12:08 AM | no
12:08 AM | nothing negative
12:08 AM | definately wierd

12:08 AM | What'd I do?

12:09 AM | well this was the scenario of the dream I really remember, I think I might have had glimpses of you in others but I don't remember them that much
12:09 AM | anyway
12:10 AM | well first do you have any dreams time-based like you were in elementary school, but you were your adult self in mind
12:10 AM | like everyone else is a child but you are the present you, or you are in situations from that time

12:10 AM | Ha yes, but less elementary and more highschool.

12:10 AM | okay
12:10 AM | i have a lot of dresden dreams
12:10 AM | this was one of them

12:11 AM | Ahhh.

12:11 AM | but i think we were adults reminiceing (spelling?) about something that happened at dresden
12:11 AM | and it was like a flashback
12:11 AM | it was you, me, and chris

12:11 AM |

12:12 AM | and we were riding a bus, i don't remember if it was the short bus or a "normal" size bus...I also don't remember if there were any others there, I think so like a couple other random people my mind made up

12:12 AM | Heh.

12:13 AM | we are on the route
12:13 AM | in the morning, going to school
12:13 AM | and we're in warren, like 10 mile or something, though we still went to dresden and pretty much lived where we did
12:13 AM | but the bus driver too us to this different school
12:13 AM | for some "special" program
12:14 AM | then we were in this different school in a classroom
12:14 AM | i don't remember much what happened here, but I am sure you looked like you did in 5th grade or so

12:15 AM | Wow.

12:15 AM | i think we had a teacher teaching us some of this "special" instruction, i remember a teacher type figure

12:16 AM | Hrm.

12:16 AM | and i think the reason we went to that different school was because it saved time on the route, that is what they told us or my child mind thought of the reason
12:16 AM | BUT
12:16 AM | then you, me and chris are back to adult forms
12:17 AM | and we figure out or you guys tell me that the "special" things they were teaching us was like anti drug propaganda
12:17 AM | and so they took us there because they wanted to give us an anti drug education
12:17 AM | and it lasted for a month, i remember that

12:18 AM | Wow.
12:18 AM | Hahaha.

12:18 AM | so it was like I got it that that was why I was in the "special program"
12:18 AM |
12:18 AM | like i said, wierd

12:18 AM | Nice, heh.

why do I bother.

Posted the below to the talk list. When things start to look up again, I am brought down by stronger forces. I may not be able, no probablty not be able, to have sessions with my therapist anymore because I use cannabis and she isn't qualified to deal with patients who "use drugs". Very upsetting news. Right now I am calm and I have not had any seizure or panic symptoms yet. I guess Monday is the day when everything is decided. Right now I have many thoughts as to what I may do. None of them are self-harming but some are self-sabotaging.

Really, it's all a bunch of bullshit.

******

I just had a big pile of crap dumped on me because of my personal cannabis use. I put this as OT because it is a personal event and there is a lot of ranting, but it is very on topic since it is directly realted to my personal cannabis use and just another example of how policy against it is wrong.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist since February and while I thought it might backfire on me, I told her that I use cannabis when she did the general background/medical history interview in the first session and asked me if I did any "drugs" (I was also asked about my caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco use but of course those aren't "drugs"). I figured it would be better to be truthful than lie and hide it. She gave me disapproving looks each time I would tell her my use hadn't changed and she would say stuff like "you don't need it now that you're on medication" (being pills....though she agreed that it was okay that I was using cannabis to control my spasms last autumn but only in lieu of pills). Oh yeah, I take on average a single hit from a pipe each day in the evening, usually before going to bed. If you know anything about amounts and smoking habits of people, then you would know that that isn't a whole lot. But of course she has no idea about cannabis and its uses, she just knows it as a drug. My use is recorded on just about every appointment sheet from her in my folder, whenever she asks I tell her nothing has changed because I see no point in changing an effective therapy. Since I need more than just a pill to get over my anxiety enough to have a somewhat normal productive life, I started to see a therapist about 2 months ago in the same office as my psychiatrist. Again, in the first session she asked me the standard questions and I told her I use cannabis on a regular basis. That was that, she never brought it up in any of my sessions since it wasn't an issue. So I have been seeing her as well for about 2 months and I feel progress is being made (I have anxiety that resulted in seizure-like panic attacks last autumn, since then I haven't been ble to attend classes more than a few weeks and forget about a job).

I get a call from my psychiatrist today saying that I cannot see my therapist anymore. Since my therapist is just starting out, fresh out of grad school or whatever, she does not have the accredidation or qualification or something to have patients who "use drugs", and since I use cannabis on a regular basis I fall into that category. This is the policy of the main psychiatrist who runs the office and I was NOT informed of this policy until this afternoon. Even though my psychiatrist knew of my use and it was in my folder, I was not informed of this "policy" and now it seems like I might have to stop seeing my therapist after 2 months of progress. It doesn't matter if I was a full out heroin addict or use cannabis in the amount that I do, and it wouldn't be an issue if I drank alcohol instead or if I was addicted to caffeine (well, as long as it wasn't interfering with my life in a negative way. But of course since Cannabis is illegal, it MUST be messing me up!).

I talked this over with my psychiatrist for about 15 minutes when she called to inform me of this policy and it seemed like the only option I had in order to keep seeing my therapist, she thought, was to stop using cannabis. I of course do not think I should, I know it helps me and I do not smoke for hedonistic reasons. I have been prescribed Xanax and Klonopin, and those pills affected me more like a drug than cannabis ever could. She didn't know if I had to take drug tests, but if I don't and I say I stopped smoking they would have no idea. Stupid, I could be lieing the whole time and things would be okay. How would they know? I really do not like the fact that I may have to lie about my cannabis use to appease them and the asinine policy. I shouldn't have to lie about anything, especially what I choose to put in my own body. But apparently maybe it is better to lie in some cases...

This "policy" is of course pure crap in itself, and even moreso is the fact that I was not made aware of it from the beginning. I do not think I will have a chance to appeal my case or the fact that I am progressing with my therapy has any merit against this "policy" (still while smoking, though I had about a month-long break up until yesterday and that is another thing, they assumed I still use the same without asking me first.). This event made me very upset, as I am sure any of you would be upset over too. If this was a general physician it wouldn't be so bad for me personally, it would still be an unreasonable policy and one I would not comply with. But the fact that this has to do with my mental health and anxiety, which has postponed any life goals I had for a year, and that I actually was working with a therapist I liked (hard to find a good one that you get along with) makes it especially hard. It is obvious these people have no idea what cannabis really is or what it does medically, and think it is equal to the real drugs that can in reality really mess up my health and life (prescription pills included, but those don't count since they are "legal" and given to me by medical professionals who have my best interests in mind...yeah right).

So I don't know what to do or what my options are really yet. It is not my therapist who made this rule up, but she has to obey it since she is practicing in this office. I hope I get my chance to appeal my case but I doubt it. It seems once again the patient has no say in their treatment. And even so, what could I say? I could bring up studies and numbers and statistics, but if this woman is so irrational to have this policy to begin with I do not think any fact could sway her. I could pretend to stop using if only they need that on paper, I will not do any drug tests because I feel them to be a huge invasion of privacy and in general a very unpleasant experience. If it's not for a direct medical test, I don't want to give my bodily fluids to anyone. And again, I wish I could easily just stop going to this practice because I think this policy against their patients is wrong but I do need to see this therapist unless I may face another 6 months of life postponement. On a personal level I feel defeated. I feel like I start to see some progress and another thing comes up to ruin it all. I am very upset and just the nature of the disappointment along with the unfair treatment might be enough for me to give up, to just not care anymore about getting better and getting treatment. School starts in a month and I was looking forward to a full schedule and maybe even finishing a semester without having a serious panic attack, now that simple goal is in jeopardy. I will get another call from someone at the office on Monday to talk it over more, so I guess I will see then what will happen.

Again, I wanted to share this story as an example of improper treatment by those of "authority" because of my personal use. I am ultimately being punished in this situation, just like if I were in legal trouble or if my medical issue was a serious physical/painful ailment. Intolerance comes from everywhere.

Basic Needs

Jennifer, my therapist, gave me this "home work" to do for the next appointment. It's a list of 24 "basic needs" and she wants me to rate the ones that apply to me from 1-5; somewhat to most important. As with most things, there are exceptions and different situations where each basic need may have a different rating. I figured I would type out the exceptions to my "basic needs" (well, the basic needs on this sheet at least).

1. Physical safety and security: I do not feel this is a basic need of mine. Where I am at is one of the "safest" cities in the country based on whatever poll measures safety. I don't lock my car and growing up we didn't make a habit of locking the house door every night. My brother had his bike stolen a couple times when the garage door was up, that was the worst. I usually walk home from Chris' in the AM hours of the night alone. I'm not worried about physical safety at the moment, the only thing that would happen is an accident and shit happens. So I do feel threatened by such events. I am most worried about other humans harming me and I go through scenarios in my mind, usually when it is dark out and I am alone. But I remind myself that I am the thing that goes bump in the night...people are probably more fearful of me than I am of them.

2. Financial Security: I ranked this as a 1. I do not measure success in dollars but rather through happiness. However, I know that in order to really survive and thrive in this society, one must have money. Right now my situation makes it that I don't have to worry about bills, rent, insurance, etc. My middle class status is maintained by my mother and she is happy to provide for me I feel because she wants me around. I -could- live with her the rest of my life and have her provide for me, I am sure she would have no problem with that. I have a huge problem with that though. I don't want to be here, living in her house, but rather I have to until I am well enough to go to and stay in school or get a job. Even though I do not have to, I scrimp and save by using coupons and rarely buying anything extraneous. I put clothing into this category. I try to buy from thrift stores first, and this is where I buy my shirts. It is hard to find things my size otherwise though. Earlier in the summer I bought a pair of sandals and 2 pairs of shorts from a national retailer, and I expect them to last years. I felt very guilty when I did buy them (well, Mom paid for them). I always buy generic/store brand when possible and have lately started to clip/use coupons. Even though I don't have to, I find ways to save the most money. I didn't get my hair cut or trimmed for 2 years because I didn't think it was worth the $12 is costs at BoRics to get the job done. I think the last time I paid for a haircut was in late 2005.

3. Friendship: Ranked 2.5. It would be a 5 if friendship could stay at a level that didn't include drama. Like what I expereinced with Chris last week, bullshit doesn't make friendship worth it. I really need to see people once in a while though to be happy. Most of the people I might consider "friends" I really just hang out with once in a while. We don't get in deep with emotion or stupid drama, the relationship just doesn't develop that far. When I was a child, there were periods where I had few friends (like one) and I never had "lots" of friends. In the past year I went a month at a time a couple of times without socializing, and that made me really depressed (mainly because I wasn't doing anything else and it felt like I was abandoned by so-called friends when my seizures were at the worst). I am fine alone and I think the majority of the time I prefer it. Having a friendship with someone means expectations, and people oftentime disappoint me. So I keep my relationships light. Right now I have quite a few accquaintances. I would say this is the first time I have been part of a social "group", aside from perhaps in New Mexico. I do wish I had "friends with benefits". I do like to socialize with people I know and hang out, it does make me happy. So there's the 2.5, it's all in that.

4. The attention of others: I have not ranked this one, and I don't know if I should. I generally dislike people and try my hardest to avoid/ignore them when out in public. Of course 10 years ago that was very different, I wanted to be noticed by everyone. But as far as attention from people I have some sort of relationship with, that is a need of mine. Last autumn when the seizures started and were the worst, I recieved a small amount of attention. Way less than I expected. This attention I wanted was more in the way of support, but I was often ignored. This is when I realized that "online friends" were really not friends at all and purged all but a handful from LiveJournal. In settings with "real life friends", I would rather be an observer than a participant in most cases. I'm there, that's usually enough. In fact I feel awkward when a lot of attention is placed on me, I'm not used to it. I am indifferent to attention from family. Most of the time I want my mom to leave me alone, and I rarely talk to my siblings save for the week or so a year I might see them (I don't dislike them, we just don't talk). So I suppose in the situations where I need attention I really need it, but those occassions are very rare. Rank 1.5.

5. Being listened to: I grouped this with "the attention of others". I'm just not used to it, I have things to say but rarely am asked to say them so I keep it to myself. Or rather I say them to myself. When I have something to say it usually would benefit other people. I may or may not make the suggestion. If I do and the person or people don't listen to me, then I validate myself in knowing better and think them a fool. As for getting ideas out, I have outlets for that. I used LJ for people "listening" to me on a regular basis and that was quite effective. Things changed though, and now I have this blournal which may or may not be read by eyes other than mine. I am my own best listener. Last summer when I had 90's party 2, Paul and I were in the closet and he wanted to hear the stories about my mental hospitalization. I spent an hour + talking to him, and he was listening, and it was a really nice experience. It's nice to have someone listen to me but I never expect it. Now I have someone to listen to me for an hour every week, even if I have to pay her, but it's alright. I don't know the benefits of having someone listen to me, especially in personal matters. I feel that no one I know can really give me super-valuable advice, at least nothing better than I can give myself. While it is good to "get things out", I use this blournal medium for that. I don't think I need actual human interaction to fulfill the need of being listened to. I am rarely heard and this goes back to childhood, ESPECIALLY in childhood I was rarely listened to. So it's internalized or I shout in different ways - like cutting or overdosing. But that hasn't been much of an issue as of late.

6. Guidance: Not ranked and not given much thought. While tripping on LSD this past October I thought my life would be so much easier if I had a mentor. Someone to help guide me with my life decisions. But I'm not going to get that, maybe 300 years I would have. For a while I was LOST and confused, I really needed guidance from something abstract like life in general as far as giving me answers in what I should do for the rest of my life; major, career, etc. Though it might have been possible to get it from an actual person (definately not anyone in my family) and for a bit I found it through psychedelics in a way. Now I realize that time will give me the answers, and I really have to be my own guide. I did just rank it as a 0.5 on the sheet because I think guidance might be a reason why I befriend older people easily or want friends of different generations.

7. Respect
>
8. Validation : Ranked together with a 1.5, I feel the two are almost one in the same for me. Respect is not something I really desire this point of my life. The people I want respect from I have, and I just want respect as a competent human being who has something to offer. If someone does not respect me, I see it more as an issue with them and not myself. I am not in any position where I have others "below" me (I hope I never am, except for maybe if I have children). I think most people respect me because I am intelligent and well-spoken, and I can certainly think for myself.
I know I need validation. My validation is mostly internal and arrogant, however. Like, it's an "I told you so" or "I knew better" type of thing that I keep in my mind. I need or have assumptions and thoughts validated more than myself and my actions. I don't think I am looking to please anyone other than myself. The only time I really want validartion from someone is when I paint them something, I need to know that they sincerely like it. I can't think of other ways I need to feel validated.

9. Expressing and sharing feelings: Very similar to #4 and 5, ranked at a one. I rarely express feelings to others and never really want to share them. I would rather hold it in because when I do share them, drama happens (like with Chris...). People don't like to hear negative thoughts about themselves from others, to me it's not even worth it to say when someone is acting in a way I feel objectionable. I think I am more prone to expressing feeling when I am alone, if I am sad or depressed enough and need to cry then I cry. If I am angry enough to break stuff, while not a good method, I do it. If someone were to ask how I felt, I would tell them. But no one ever does, and I either don't feel comfortable enough bringing it up or I feel it is self-centered.

10. Sense of belonging: Not ranked. I don't feel I need to "belong". Belong to what? A society I loathe? Maybe I need to feel that I belong on this earth to live out my life for some productive reason. I have family, I have some sort of social network. That's all I need for belongingness.

11. Nurturing: Not ranked, mainly because it is ambiguous. I have a need perhaps to be the nurturer, I like taking care of people and being hospitable. I am not in a situation where I would do that now. But if the nurturing is done onto me, I don't think I really have that need. It is nice to be taken care of when sick, that rarely happens to me and I can always take care of myself. That's a small answer though.

12. Physically touching and being touched: ranked 2.5. It was difficult for me moving back to Michigan and having no one to cuddle with (or at least have sex with). For months in NM I had that opportunity available to me, then it went to nothing. I had to settle for the cuddles of my cat, which was okay but not satisfying as if I were with a human. Three years ago I would rank this as a 5, however since I have been in a physical drought I have become used to not having that form of human affection. I still get urges to cuddle with people from time to time, but never act on it because I don't know how affectionate they are or if they would be comfortable with that. It is still a need but I can deal with not having it. Something that might be odd, is that I hate when my mom touches me. I never hug her, she hugs me and that doesn't happen too often. I don't know the last time I gave her a kiss was, and I feel physically uncomfortable if she touches me anywhere on my body and I don't know it until it happens.

13. Intimacy: Not ranked. I assume this means physical intimacy, mainly of a romantic kind. Since I have no one of romantic interest, and haven't had one in over a year, this does not apply to me. I would like to have an "intimate friendship", but no one I know of now is around me nor can have that type of level of friendship. Emotional intimacy? Forget about it. Like I mentioned above, I would rather aboid that in most friendships.

14. Sexual Expression: Not ranked. I suppose I have a need to sexually express myself at a basic, evolutionary level since I am an available female of childbearing age (presumably fertile). But I am not advertising that availability, and sex is not something I really need. I did go from having multiple partners and having sex everyday, sometimes by more than one partner, to sex every few months to no sex for about a year. When I get aroused I take care of it. My clothing seems to be bland and not sexually expressive, though I do wear tight shirts to compensate for the lack of bra. No makeup and hair that transcends gender roles... Nope, not expressing much.

15. Loyalty and trust: Not ranked. I beleive these not a need, but a necessity. I automatically give trust, and what a person does either continues the trust or negates it. The same goes for others' trust in me, I am a trustworthy person so there is no issue. I take pride in the fact that I don't tell secrets. I don't much care for gossip, which some friends of mine (especially the ones who live together) participate in frequently. I may ask someone about the status of another just so I can be "caught up". I am usually out of the loop with things. Loyalty seems kind of an antiquated value when talking about intrerpersonal relationships. People do not need to be loyal to me, I'm not going to be in situations or relationships where one needs to be loyal to me. I don't even really know what that would mean in a relationship so I looked up the definition and "faithfulness to commitments or obligations." came up which may be a relevant thing, but in the rare occassion someone does not hold up a plan for a "good" reason, I don't get upset. It just shows me the character of that person. I'm sure the people I have around me "got my back" if I ever need it. If they didn't, they wouldn't be my friends.

16. A sense of accomplishment: Ranked at 3. This is another need that is placed in the middle because for different reasons it is very high or very low. Up until recently, like the last year or so, I was very concerned with what I was going to do for the rest of my life. Especially with what I was going to major in. This is due to how I was raised, I had high expectations very early on and until I reached college I was motivated by success, it was really the most important thing. My life was based on accomplishments that it was already assumed I would make. I don't know if I categorize "accimplishment" differently or if I have realized that it's not so important that accomplishments become benchmarks of life. Now I generally go with the flow of life, I have goals but I do not have a time set for them to be accomplished. I do what I can when I can. Of course it is a morale boost when I do accomplish something. Smaller accomplishments are recognized more often, like when I do a particularly good painting or one for someone that they really like. I even feel accomplished when I have a good fossil hunt. I still have goals and I still have a need to accomplish them, but I'm not too concerned with when they are achieved.

17. A sense of progress towards goals: Not ranked. Partially for reasons I mentioned in #16 in that progress is made when progress is made. But mainly because I have learned not to plan for anything to go right or according to life schedule. I guess my ultimate goal is to be happy and to live out my life, and that happens each day that goes by that I am not suicidal (which is a rare occassion). Heck, my goals keep changing just as often as my life plans do. I had a goal to have my associate's at the end of spring '08 semester. But something out of control came up and I had to skip a whole academic year. Oh well, I'll finish school when I can. Having goals, I feel, is more important than the progress. Plus I really am a procrastinator, especially when it comes to mundane things. Every day I have goals (one might call them chores) than need to be accomplished, sometimes I do them and sometimes I don't. It does happen eventually, the process might just be prolonged a few months.

18. Feeling Competent or masterful in some area: Ranked 2. Perhaps this should be a higher ranking, but I don't have the need for it because I already feel competent in many areas and masterful in a few. Though "masterful" might be too high of a word. When I was younger I was pushed to be the best of the best. I never had any accelling talent, except for maybe my knowledge of animals. But nothing really practical at least. I at least was more than competent in my school work, until the last 2 years of high school. But I always had science, especially biology, to feel masterful in. I of course thought that academics, sports, music, art, etc. were the only areas one could be masterful in. I never thought that my compassion or caring nature could be considered a master trait. Over the past 5 years I realized that there are areas which I am "masterful" in that aren't so obvious, like finding fossils or working with young kids. Others might say I am masterful at the painting I do. I am competent in many areas, both academically and personality-wise. I know and am aware of this. Likewise, I still have a bit of adolescent thought in that I can always be better and it's not good enough unless it's the best. I may think a painting isn't so good even though others like it a lot. I generally try to suppress these thoughts, but they are common.

19. Making a Contribution: Ranked 5. This need is great, it is the only one I ranked with a 5. In the sense that affects me, I need to make a contribution on a worldly scale. Last summer I had a bad case of existential crisis, where I questioned "what does it all matter?" when eventually everything will be gone; Homo Sapiens will probably be extinct in a few million years if not replaced by the next evolution, civilization and the world as I know it will likely be eradicated in thousands of years by who knows what, the sun will burn out in 4.5 crisping earth in the process and even the universe won't last FOREVER. So what does it matter, why should I exist if it is all bound to end. I don't know how I got out of this, it may have been with my last suicide attempt this past December where I realized suicide was not meant to be my death (not then at least). But I figure, if I'm not here for myself I might as well be here for others. And hopefully I will make a better world and life for them through my own. If I'm not active in bettering society/the world/life in general then there really is no point to me being alive. My activism at the moment feels like a contribution in a way. I hope that what I do with my career greatly contributes something, and I plan for it to. Probably on this sheet, "making a contribution" means more like giving ideas to collective group decisions or something to do with interpersonal social matters. That really is not an issue for me as much. I can give suggestions and hope others think about it, but I don't really need to consciously contribute things all the time in relationships. I do that already.

20. Fun and Play: Ranked 4.5. If you can't have fun, what is the point? I still have a bit of child in me in that not everything is so serious and I still keep a bit of wonderment. I enjoy activities like flying kites which many adults do not think of participating in. While I don't necessarily play with imagination like a child, I can still get into a fairytale cartoon or play a video game and imagine being the character. I do watch cartoons on a regular basis, I enjoy both classics I grew up with and a few modern cartoons. I do enjoy playing with kids. I like to have fun as much as I can, even if it is sharing a funny anecdote about my cat with my mom. I certainly know the difference between immaturity and having fun. I can still be serious while being light hearted. I think a lot of people lose this perspective as they get older, they get out of touch with their childlike senses. It is really important to me though and it's all about attitude. There isn't a time I can think of where I couldn't have the fun and play outlook. Of course it comes and goes depending on the situation, if it is a serious matter then it goes away or if I am really depressed it hides too. But my normal personality always has a bit of fun in it.

21. Sense of Freedom, Independence: Ranked 4.

22. Creativity: Ranked 3

23. Spiritual Awareness - connection with a "higher power": Not ranked

24. Unconditional Love: Not ranked.

*scrape scrape scrape*

I never called Chris, I was too anxious. More anxious than I should have been. I sent him a message saying if we could do it on IM and he said that was not satisfactory. He called me last night and we talked for over an hour and got things situated. There were a few moments where I got tense and he did most of the talking of course, but it was alright overall.

Yesterday was the dentist appointment at 2:30, my first in 8 years. I had a panic attack beforehand. I was anxious and really irritated a few hours before, I was trying to put a clip in my bangs and it wasn't working right so I went into an anger fit. I tensed my muscles and punched myself in the hip about a dozen times and stomped my feet which hurt on the tile of the bathroom. The anxiety symptoms were typical. There was a moment or 2 when I didn't want to go because of my anxiety. Eventually I went into numbness, didn't feel anything except light-headedness and was out of it but I wasn't too paralyzed. I didn't think of doing the muscle relaxation technique until after it was mainly over, but I don't think I could have done it anyway since it makes me dizzy with the breathing and my muscles were too weak to be tensed anyway. My mom drove me and when I got to the office I couldn't look at anyone really and I was very soft-spoken. The exam went alright, I had a lot of tartar and I bled when the hygenist was cleaning it off. I got to see my wisdom teeth x-rays and they suggested I see a surgeon to get them out as a precautionary measure. No cavities though I thought I had one. I felt better by the end of it but I was very dizzy, partly from laying in the chair and partly from the panic attack.

I weighed Theo earlier. He's about 17.5 lbs, he's gained 2 in 2 years.

I had a crappy night of sleep. I went to bed at about 1 and I would fall very close to sleep, even have light REM A-wave dreams but then I would come back up. I got up about 2:30, took a hit of resin and watched TV for about half an hour. I put on Matisyahu Youth and fell asleep about halfway through the album. Since my mom actually has the AC off most of the time this summer, I am not as cold in my room/in the basement and so I went through temperature phases. It was hard to find a good medium. I had a dream where I was at my old house and my parents were back together, and if I wasn't avoiding my father I was trying to kill him. The past few nights I have been trying to kill him to get rid of him. A tornado was also in the dream, this time it went through my room after I saw it form through the side window.

I had wanted to go to 7-11 for free Slurpee day, but the free Slurpees are not even 8 ounces so it's not worth it. So dumb.

I have to call Chris tonight (well, not have to but I will) and I am very, very nervous. I hate confrontation. He wants me to call him to discuss things, or rather a response to what I sent him last night. I suppose this is why it is better to say things outright instead of leaving them in my head. But also if I do say things outright, especially if they are negative atributes to someone's personality or behavior, that could lead to a ton of bullshit too. Or I might be considered "bitchy". Maybe this is why I don't get too close with people, I want to be friends and have fun and avoid all the drama and crap. So I hold it in, it's better than any sort of confrontation. Chris is extremely difficult to talk to as well, especially about this type of personal-emotional stuff. I think he will be defensive of himself, he seems to be very arrogant as of late.

I am really very anxious about making this call. My heart is beating harder and faster than normal. I took 2 hits of resin about an hour ago but it's doing nothing for my anxiety. I haven't smoked any actual cannabis since Saturday. I think the lack of green may contribute to this overall higher anxiety.

Smoke a dream

Theo's purr was very intense when we did an early afternoon post-wakeup cuddle. Loud and deep, it was wonderful.

The carpenter ants are still around of course. I updated Mom on the findings of my quick internet research, but we won't get aan exterminator out here until after the Florida trip. Which means when I return I will have dozens of ant corpses to pick up and put in the cup.

Leslie and Pau came over last night. Mainly so Leslie could trim my hair. I gave her "Galaxie" and she liked it, though I think she liked it mostly because I made it for her. (Well she could love the painting itself but I don't, it's not one of my faves). She trimmed the sides down to a 1, shorter than I really wanted but that will be it for the summer and this was the only opportunity for her to do it for me. My mohawk is really a mohawk now and I don't feel "punk" enough to have it. Of course when my mom and I go to Florida next week we will be going to church with my brother's family, and my hairstyle may make them concerned about how -they- look. Whatever, it's totally functional. And it's not like this is the first time my hair has been trimmed to a 1. Before Leslie trimmed my hair I asked her if it was okay that I take my shirt off since I didn't want all those little hairs to be stuck on it. She said she was okay with it, so I took it off and it was a little awkward at first. She looked off to the corner but there was no way she could avoid seeing my breasts since she would be over me trimming my hair. But once we started I think it was okay, it was a little awkward for me at first but then it was fine. If I can feel comfortable around anyone it's those two.

After Leslie, Pau and I were done here, we went over to his place (we were waiting to go to Pau's house when his mom would be asleep). A couple weeks ago I went to the Roadshow with Pau and Ron and I purchased a vial of 10X Salvia Divinorum. I promised Ron last September that I would get some so he could experience it. Well that didn't happen until now (I don't like to call it procrastination, though really that is what it is). I had been wanting to smoke it over the weekend when I had the house to myself but Ron didn't want to do it then so he suggested Tuesday (yesterday). He was unreachable, so we decided to do it without him. This was Leslie's first time and my third. I had hoped that 10X would be low enough to not fuck with me but high enough to still get the physical feeling. I was the first one to take a dose and I soon realized that I had forgotten the initial salvia trip feeling. For me it feels like gravity increases, I was sitting in a desk chair with a high back and arms and I setted into them deeply. My head was resting on the top of the chair back and I was fixed onto the ceiling. More like my head could not really move because of the heavy feeling. We were in Chris' room and Pau had splatter-painted it recently with purple and black paint. This made the room good for tripping. Visually I was focused onto this 2'x1' area of purple and in it was a typical psychedelic pattern, kind of like a paisley. I also got the wave and some slight movement of the splatters. No actual objects appeared however I saw one dark spot move across the periferal of my vision and a large shape began to develop in front of me (against the far wall) but did nor really coalesce, if it did I think it would have been a dragon since that is what I felt it was as a light blur. If I focused I could see more visuals, like if I just stared off. Mentally during the peak it felt like I was visiting a dream I had had sometime in the recent past. I do not think I actually had this dream. But in my salvia mind I was returning to a dream where Pau and Leslie were present and the setting seemed very familiar. The room was more of a magenta/fuscia and we were in more of a hallway than a bedroom. In the dream I was conversing with Pau which IRL while I was tripping he was standing next to me readying Leslie's dose. I think how salvia aaffects my brain may be connected to my brain as it dreams, since the first time I tripped I went to a place that is common in my dream settings. This 'peak' did not last too long and I think I kept myself more grounded since there were others in the room who were grounded. Leslie was next and then Pau. Afterwards everyone was really tired, I had not experienced this before but I think it was due to the fact that it was 1 AM when we dosed. After Pau seemed to be down enough we had a chat about our trip, Leslie was asleep or at least lating down and not up to discussion. I will get her report later. Right now I feel very fatigued and out of it which is not unusual for me, but it is a different type of feeling than normal. I will attribute this to the salvia trip. I had an active dreaming night which may or may not have to do with the salvia. I usually have at least one dream I remember with good detail the next day, but I had at least 2 separate dreams from last night that I remember with decent detail.

I woke up at about 1 PM and it is now close to 2 PM, I think working on this entry helped to shake some of the feeling, but I am noticably "out of it" when I look around and try to focus on things. Oh well, it's happened before with the panic attack seizures and I can deal with it.

I trimmed my armpits a couple days ago. The length of the hair was long enough that it could use a trim, probably a couple inches. Plus I trimmed it for Florida on the off chance I would wear a bathing suit (not doing the legs though). I definately can tell that I STINK. When I have pit hair I do not have pit odor, but now that it is gone I can really smell it. It seems counterintuitive but it is true, other girls experience the same thing. I used the hair trimmer bare and I got a couple cuts. I don't think I could handle shaving it, last time I shaved my pits bare (in Feb I think) I was disturbed by how wierd and unnatural I looked. So I have some stubble, and I think it will grow out to a nice length by the time of BFC. But yeah, I definately have pit b.o.

I have two dreams I need to record. Both are sex dreams and the being I was having sex with were both animals. But I think that will have to wait until later today to be written out.

who needs friends when you've got the internet?!

I hope the issues with Chris are resolved but I can never tell. He blamed him not paying his fair shre of the memorial weekend camping trip "as usual" on capitalism...this is what he said exactly "As for the camping trip, the only true blame I would assign is on, as usual, the economic and cultural state of our society. It is not our fault we got screwed, because that's the intention of business: profit before everything. " I told him that "we" did not get screwed but that I and Leslie got screwed. It did not affect him since he did not pay, so he cannot be included in the screwing. Well anyway who knows when the next time I see him will be, and I'm wiser to his bullshit at least.

Therapy session did not go well today because I was light headed, dizzy and weak and thus could not focus. So it was ended short and nothing got done. I do not know why I felt so bad, it staarted when I got in the car to go to the office. Even though I woke up during REM (not too deep) I felt fine and it took less time than normal for me to feel awake. I took a nap this afternoon and still felt kinda crappy afterwards. I have to go back to the office tomorrow to see the shrink.

I think my brain is trying to get me closer to lucid dreaming. I think things during my dream about what is happening, like I know I am dreaming and I analyze what happens. Last night this guy Tony whom I went to jr high-high school with appeared in a dream but he was in a 7th grade form and I made a mental not of that. Perhaps it is hard to explain me thinking separate from what I may be thinking of as part of the dream. Though I don't know if I really "think" in dreams past. I just do what the dream makes me do. Also last night I wanted something to happen to my father in a dream set in the house I grew up in (could be an extension of the same dream). He was on the porch and not really viable, just kind of there in a diminished lifeless state. Still he was affecting me and I wanted some horrible thing to happen to his form like I wanted him to be cut up or something. I don't remember exactly but I do remember trying a couple of times to have this thing happen to him and it failed. Finally he vaporized or turned into dust, but I don't think I 'did' that myself, the dream made it happen after I tried to do it myself several times. This type of dream awareness has been happening more often in the past few months and it seems to increase a little each time. Perhaps it will lead me to have an actual lucid dream. It's way too rudimentary now as often I am aware I am dreaming but that is as far as the awareness goes.

I went to Red Robin with my mom for dinner tonight since I had the once-yearly burger crave. I had a mushroom and swiss burger, and it wasn't that great. Should've had the chicken.

Also to note

A few things I should also mention for chronology's sake but will not go into detail depth:

-On Friday (4th) I went to Carla's for a "bon fire". The fire did not happen but we, we also including Eli-Matt-Leslie-Pau-and Kevin, hung out at her place for a few hours. I somewhat did not want to go but Leslie was expecting me. It was alright, a little boring at first which was expected and not a whole lot of conversation from me. I hated all the suburban fireworks displays. The sound really got to me this year.

-Today on the science channel they showed a new "end of the world scenario" movie called Impact Earth. It must have showed Saturday night or fairly recently but I did not see any advertisements for it. I was really excited to catch it this afternoon though, I love end of the world scenarios and these movies are decent enough (supervolcano was excellent. Comet had horrible acting. This one was in the middle). While it was supposed to be about meteorite impact the object was really a comet. Which they already did but oh well. Also this was more about before the catastrophe and not anything really during or after which I am most interested in. While I enjoyed it, I think there was too much entertainment and not enough science. The plot focused so much on characters' personal lives, moreso than the previous movies. I hope this isn't a trend.

-I picked up Pokemon Silver again. It is fun and passes the time. Will take it to Florida with me, good for the plane.

Ron was right when he described the night as "crazy". It was definitely out of the ordinary.

I had wanted Ron and Pau to come over to smoke the salvia I bought a couple weeks ago. I was a good time this weekend since my mom was gone, and I wanted to be in a comfortable situation when I smoke it. Of course I had no definite plans especially dealing with these two and it ended up that Pau came over yesterday evening for a few hours and we hung out before attending a party. I felt a migraine forming and took two Motrin but it was not effective. So I took a vicodin, which I have only taken once before and I figured one would be alright. We picked Ron up at almost quarter past 10 and went SE to a stranger's house for a party. Colette's birthday was yesterday, and she had a party for it alongside a UFC viewing gathering at her friend Brandon's place. She wanted me to be there and I hadn't seen her for a while, near a year perhaps. So while the party had the high potential of being dumb, I went mainly for her but also to experience something different. Pau wanted the experience too, he's always up for observing different scenes. I don't know why Ron wanted to go, but he met Colette once a while ago and wanted to be there too. So we went, and I figured we would be perhaps a little out of place but we were with Colette so I figured if they know her the they wouldn't be so surprised by us. On the way I stopped at a 7-11 to get Ron cigs and to cash in a coupon from the Michigan Lotto for a "buy a $5 ticket, get a $2 free". It was interesting, I could feel the effect of the pill and I felt wierd, like I was acting wierd but not in a suspicious way. I always think I act wierd even when I'm sober. I got the $5 ticket for Colette as a cop out gift (I would have painted her something if I had more time warning) and kept the $2 Bingo card for myself. I did not win anything.

The people at this gathering were ordinary. Surprisingly they were around my age, some 23 some older. But it felt like they were different from me, even though we were the same age. Well of course they were different but in a way that was like a rift. Maybe because they are the "get drunk and party!!!" kind of folks. It was awkward at first, people were on couches watching a UFC fight on a big screen and others were around the bar that this guy had built in his basement. I tried to explain UFC to Pau and Ron, luckily we were there to experience blood gushing out of one fighter's head and staining the other fighter's blonde hair pink. Colette was not having a good time either, everyone else she invited for her b-day ditched her or couldn't come for some reason; the worst was her sister didn't show up for irresponsible reasons. She was depressed and contemplating leaving, I was following her around making sure everything was cool. She felt better eventually, I don't know what changed but it did and she ended up having a good time. After the fight, people got drunk fairly quickly. Ron sat and drew in his mini book on a couch or outside, Paul went to smoke with some people (I would have like to have joined them but I had to make sure Colette was alright) and just observed mainly. I had a few shots and was buzzed, though no where near drunk. I had a good time hanging out with Colette and being in this new environment. They were loud though, blasting music (that was actually decent) plus playing a drum set along with it, I had to take a couple moments outside. It's always fun watching people when they are intoxicated while you are not there yourself. But it did help that I was buzzed. Someone got Colette a cake which I am glad they did, and I enjoyed a slice (great cake). This one guy, who had dreadlocks but of course isn't much of an indicator of personality, was drunk and being an ass. He smeared cake in this one chick's face and was making a mess, destroying a corner of the cake. He was pestering me a bit, he wanted me to wipe frosting off of his hand which I did (didn't want any getting on me, I managed to get away with only a few spots) and he wouldn't leave me alone for a few minutes. This goes beyond entertaining and becomes annoying. They were in the no-memory phase (it was only about 2 AM) and after I finished my slice I was ready to go.

We took off, it was about 2:30. Ron was scheduled to work at 5 AM and he was in a dilemma of going or calling in. Paul fell asleep and I hung around Ron, muchly enjoying his company. We went outside around 5-ish, Paul woke up a little after and left for home. Ron wanted to stay here to avoid parentals and I didn't mind. He asked me what my plans were or what I wanted to do in the future or something. I told him my plans go to next spring, that I am staying here to finish therapy and hopefully get my associate's. Then I didn't know what. He asked me what I wanted to do as far as a career and I told him that I didn't know, I didn't know what I wanted to major in except that I was recently thinking about working with non-profits (if I can get a major for something like that). He asked because he had this notion of "our group" sticking together and doing good things, in a worldly sense. He thought that it would be better if we stuck together and to that I replied with a "perhaps" (of course I know better, there is no way for a group like ours to really be a cohesive unit. Of course I am thinking of one person in particular who would make it not work). Ron is moving to Kzoo to live with those folks and has had a recent influx of optimism I think. It's expected, but in the 5 years between us I have learned things that he won't expect yet. It's a good thing, he's headed in a good direction and I think if anyone will really be successful it's him. He's more rational than Chris and Pau and has his wits about him more. We sat outside in my driveway, I was very tired of course but I wanted to see the sun come up since I have only experienced that a handful of times in my life. Ron was anxious over his decision to call in, and also facing his mother. Close to 6 he wanted me to call him in, pretend I was his sister and tell the manager that Ron was sick the night before so he couldn't come in that morning. When he proposed that request I had to think about it (phone anxiety) but then I thought it would be a funny thing to do and it was no big deal. At 6 I called, Ron had to go in and close the door as I did because he was nervous. The call was really easy and Ron was relieved.

I went to bed then, I expected him to leave within a few hours but he was still around each time I would wake up. Once in a while I would come out of my sleep and hear him either talk to himself or talk to Theo. Once I heard him say that last night was a crazy night, and it really was since it was so out of the ordinary. He was very sleep deprived (not an uncommon state for him) and was a little out of his mind. I woke up sometime in the noon hour, after a dream. Ron heard me rustle (he was in the main room in the basement and my door was open) and said "time for school!" I was glad he was still there. He told me about all these wierd happenings and his paranoia which were a result of his sleep deprived state. He looked through all my books while I was sleeping. He stayed until almost 3.

Of course I had developed feelings for him in months-weeks-days earlier, but they weren't really around last night and into today. Maybe I told myself not to feel and I listened, it actually worked. I don't have an "emotional" crush on him though I am still sexually attracted to him. But that's not unusual for me to be sexually attracted to friends.

This was a good time for me socially. Perhaps I will go to future parties with Colette and her main group. Pau and Ron, and Leslie too are going (back) to Kzoo in a couple weeks. I will be in Florida while they spend there last days here in suburbia for this moment at least so I think I feel I need to get time in with them. Not depressed now but maybe later in the summer when I have no one around to spend time with. Well, I'm used to that situation more than any heavily social trend, but it still can be a bummer. I am interested to see what comes of Ron living in Kzoo though. I think soon he will learn that in some cases it is not a good idea to live with your best friends. I certainly would not live in that house.

cry, cry, cry

I have cried more in the past few days than in the past few months. I can say that I am officially depressed. Oh joy. One plus is that by being depressed, my anxiety is down. I was worried about this happening since I noticed through the years that when one is up, the other is down.

Chris is being a jerk, which shouldn't get to me as much as it is. The basis has to do with a little bit of money which he said he paid back. I don't care about the money that much but I do care about the principle. I am sick of being screwed over by people, especially him. Perhaps it is seasonal, he was a dick last summer too.

That started it in the morning. I went to Aldi for the first time because they seemed to have good prices. Didn't go so well because 1. I did not know you had to "rent" a shopping cart for a quarter and 2. they don't offer bags. I normally bring a cloth bag when I go shopping but did not this time, of course the one time I really needed it. I teared up a little in the store and thought that I should just leave. It's not even that great of a place, the prices are the same if you bought generic brand anywhere else. Now I know though. I still have to go to Meijer, but that will be done at night.

I am home alone until Monday. Leslie and Paul will hopefully come over tomorrow. Still waiting on word for the green.

people who need people

I wish I could be your friend. I could get to know you, and we could develop a bond. Because you know, I searched for "mime relapse" and there you were! Then what? We'd become friends!
I am feeling the urge to 'get to know people' through internet means. Tonight I wanted to just talk to some random person. I used to do random person chatting a lot when I first got the net at 14. Well, I am feeling lonely and I know there are millions of people out there who I could interact with in some way. It's easy to make "friends" on the internet. It's all bullshit too. I have clicked on a few items in my profile to see who else out there shares it and I think, hey you're an interesting person. Maybe we could become e-friends! Or I have the urge to create another OkCupid account. I had one for a year or so and deleted my account because it wasn't that worthwhile to me anymore. But it's an easy outlet to possibly meet people. I am feeling lonely more today than normal. Perhaps because of yesterday, perhaps because I just spent a weekend socializing. I don't know. But I want to be around certain others, I am bored by myself. I don't want to push myself on anyone, I don't want them to feel obliged to my presence so I don't call. There are only 3 people I could possible hang out with anyway. Tomorrow I may try again.

I have not felt this way in a while. I pretty much let go of all social desires when I realized no one was really around for me. Sure, there are people I may talk to on a regular basis and may even see once in a while. But it's nothing to get depressed over. I didn't feel so lonely. I can't depend on people, not in the literal sense or this sense. So why am I breaking down? Is this an inadvertent result from my anxiety therapy? I hope it does not continue. I would much rather be anxious than depressed.

I long for a partner too, sexually or emotionally as well. But I have really, really let go of the notion that that will happen anytime soon. I want the physical connection. But I'll have to keep it to myself.

The ants are carpenter ants. I don't mind them sharing my space, they don't do anything. I just pick them up off the carpet and put them in a paper cup. Most are dead or in the process when I put them in the cup. I have a Polaroid photo of myself taken by someone I have known for a long time on her wedding day on top of the cup, so the ants that are still alive don't get out.

I went to the local thrift today to see if a cat scratching post was still there. It was not, however I did purchase a wall decoration that is about 3'x1'. I am not sure of the term, but it is made of different color tiny stones. The scene is a male pheasant (I think) and a female. I thought it was beautiful, and not bad for $5. The CD section had an uncharacteristically high selection of "good" albums. I bought 4, including Bjork's Post.

I will be alone in the house for a few days. I hope to get some more green within that span of time. I am apathetic to the 4th of July. If anything I greatly dislike the "holiday" and will not be celebrating it since it is not a priority in my life. Tonight we had constant rain so the fireworks were not present. The rest of the week will be noisy in suburbia, everyone needs to fire off three dollar pieces of crap in their driveway for some reason. I am alien to the "grillin' in the backyard-huge get together- party BBQ" lifestyle. Though I will admit I really like the typical spread one might find at white suburban 4th of July BBQ. Food is a weakness for me.

well, I tried to have a conversation...

I'm overreacting. Most likely. I called "best friend" (most people would describe my level of friendship with this person to be in the best level, however I don't like to categorize people like that. But I use it sometimes because I don't want to say "the person I have known the longest and have interacted with on a personal level") to ask a question and to get caught up. I really haven't talked to him in a couple weeks, since I last visited. I tried to have a conversation and it was one sided at best. I got a vibe from him that felt like annoyance, impatience, and irateness. I cut the call short, 3 minutes. I felt sad afterwards and cried a little. Which is really, really stupid. I think it's me. He's probably just being a jerk though, and not because he doesn't want to talk to me. He did call me back, after all. But it wasn't a pleasant experience and now I think there is some conspiracy against me by those folks and it makes me want to stay away from them for a while, in case they want me to. (maybe I don't feel appreciated?)

I hope therapy is not tearing down the emotional walls I have built up. I stopped feeling most emotions for a reason. I don't want to cry over something so dumb, I haven't for a couple of years. I don't want to feel anything over it, I just don't want to care at all.

I usually do not feel disappointment. Not in the way I felt it today. It was planned last night that I would hang out with Ron and Pau. Those fell through and I waited all day for them to possibly come back together. I was so hopeful which led me to being disappointed. It's a dumb thing to feel and I have developed a realistically practical pessimistic view to avoid it. Of course I may not have been so disappointed if I didn't have a crush on Ron. Feelings for, attractions, whatever...it really is a crush and I have not felt this way towards someone in several years. There hasn't been anyone around who was worth those emotions, plus I wanted to get away from that type of feeling because it is impractical to be optimistic about something that is so one sided. This has been a developing crush, for the past 2 months about. First it was a really nice psychological release, with the feelings and the butterflies and all that. I allowed myself to feel that because it had been a while and it was very pleasant. I thought that it would stop or go away, at least not develop any farther. I think I can read people pretty well but Ron is an exception. Plus I am not quite sure of his orientation...problems, problems, problems. I was so hopeful I would see him today and I did not. So I was disappointed, and I got my punishment for feeling something positive about the situation. I know better.

I might lay low for a while. Not that I was really social with these people but it was starting to pick up a bit within the past couple of weeks. I actually spent time with people without Chris being around too. But if they want to see me they can contact me, I'm not going to push anything.

I have the pleasure of hosting a couple dozen ants-with-wings in my bedroom. I saw one last week and then when I got back from my long weekend meeting trip, there were 20 or so of them dead on the ground. Today alone I have picked up just as many. Now I see ants with vestigial wings and tiny ones. All the do, if anything, is fly around a light. Mostly they are dead or in some process of breakdown on the floor. I have no idea where they come from. They don't bother me much. My mom's solution to the problem is to spray ant killer. Mine is to just pick the ants up when I see them. I don't want that chemical crap around me.

This evening I went for a long walk around the old neighborhood. I went to the Kroger which was the main grocery store when I was a kid, and is a common setting in my dreams. It wierded me out being there. The dream connection and whatnot. The layout of the store, like where things are located in the aisles, is a little off in my dreams so I went around and saw where everything was in the store in actuality. I rarely go to that store now, it creeeps me out a bit because of the childhood connection and the dream connection (both related).